Yurt

It was a pretty good couple of days, drinking was less, and no ranting or lectures. But, then a commercial came on and my daughter commented that she wondered why everyone is so concerned about body image and the need to use whatever beauty products that were being advertised. I agreed that it was unnecessary, which is when my H chimed in. Turning to our daughter, he tod her that he detests anyone that does not take care of their body and does not exercise. She and I just gaped at one another, and I was not sure what to think. Our daughter does exercise a a bit and is very healthy. I don't exercise much and I am about 15 pounds over weight (5' 2"). So I guess he was telling me that he detests me?? There was absolutely no more conversation after that.
Hmm

Lulu39

Yep he was. To a king baby the only opinion allowed is their opinion.

If I ever had an opinion on anything my XAH would make sure his opinion was the opposite and then use that to pick a fight. Alcoholics love to pick fights because fights are an excuse, well actually a REASON, to continuing drinking. Oh and then the fight and him drinking was obviously my fault.

If only I agreed with him then he wouldn't have to yell at me and drink and take drugs.

AnvilheadII

he tod her that he detests anyone that does not take care of their body and does not exercise.

says the guy who consistently pours booze into his body and gets drunk and falls down.

honeypig

Yeah, that is pretty much what I thought, too....

FireSprite

That was my first thought, the irony is kinda hilarious.

wanttobehealthy

Yup. Also, projection much on his part you think?

And because he is an alcoholic and clearly NOT invested in getting his mind well he is annoyed/agitated and will take it out on whomever is nearest and that seems to be you.

The few times my xAH "sobered up" (really more like white knuckling it while attending a few meetings and preaching that he was being told he had it all together and I was the problem!) he was nasty, nasty, nasty. Had nothing but constant criticism and cutting words for me.

Sounds like your AH is a miserable man in and out and rather than acting like a sane adult who copes with feelings, he seems content to attack you.

I won't preach and say don't let his words get to you bc that is something I still struggle with and it is really hard to do...

But I will second Anvil's words and say look at where the words are coming from!

An example from my own life... Last night I hung up on xAH because he was screaming at the girls on the phone demanding they put me on. I did not talk to him but instead took the phone and hung up then unplugged it. He knows that any yelling on the phone ='s instant hang up so I did it.

I got about 20 texts in a 10 min period and all were to the tune of "u r dysregulated", "u need serious help", "u r mentally ill".

I just laughed to myself. Here is a man raging at his 5 yr old bc she won't do his bidding to get me on the phone and who then texts me obsessively and he tells me that I am the one who is nuts?!

I don't mean to hijack your thread-- just wanted to illustrate an example of how other A's act the same as your AH. Blaming us for being what they are.

lizatola

Me too. It's totally something my AH would say, as well. Immaturity, poor emotional control, projection, etc. It's sad, really, but once you see it for what it is, you can tell yourself what the reality is. And, the reality is usually NOT what the A is ranting about. My ds and I look at each other sometimes like how you and your dd looked at each other, too. Mouth agape, wondering, "What the heck did THAT mean?" I've learned to not even bother to try to figure it out. It's not worth my mental energy. Like what happened in your house, the talking usually stops or we wind up leaving the room.

Yurt

Oh boy, every response here hit a nerve!

Lulu, AH never wants to hear my opinion. Our "discussions" consist of a 10-15 minute tirade, without any interruptions. Agreement is not needed, but I am certainly not allowed to express a different point of view. The phrase "Shut Up" occurs at that point. And yes, I have been the reason that he has to have another glass of wine.

Anvilhead, HoneyPig, and FireSprite; I too saw the irony. He won't take as much as one Motrin for his back pain, yet all of the alcohol is OK. He knows the damage that it causes, but chooses arguments that are convenient.

Wanttobehealthy, I would like to get to the point where I can look on from the outside and chuckle about the behavior. Right now, it just makes me crazy. And yes, it does help to see that I am not the only one dealing with these types of issues.

Lizatola, I definitely need to step back and realize that whatever he is going on about is usually not connected to me. I have difficulty with that sometimes. I have also solved the issue by leaving the room. Usually, by the time I return (10-20 minutes), he is out like a light on his chair. Then my d and I are quiet for the rest of the evening in the hopes that he stays that way. What a life!

You know, for a few days, I got to reside in the land of denial. The drinking wasn't as bad, and no nasty comments. Usually, these reprieves last more than two days, but not this time. I had hope to spend some quality time with him this summer, before I go back to work in August. The beginning of the school year is the worst. By the time we get home from work/school, he is beyond reaching. Last year, was horrible. Every night included some sort of nastiness. By Christmas, I wanted to scream. His mother came to spend about 3 weeks with us and he was considerably better; he certainly wouldn't show that side of himself to his mother, or brother and sister. In January, he came to me and told me that he really loved me and was going to start being more loving toward us. (Said that he would like more sex as well) That lasted about a month.

Random stuff- Suddenly, he wants to move. I have a good job here, and could work until I retire (12-15years). He is looking at houses in another city in Arizona, and making me a bit nervous. I feel like my security might be yanked out from under me. I am not crazy about the town we live in either, but my daughter will be graduating from High School in two years, and we previously discussed considering a move after that. It's like he wants to move NOW.Argh

I find myself making decisions based on two scenarios. One with him in our lives, and one without. I agreed with him about no more pets. (don't want to deal with moving another cat to my own apartment) It makes me feel a guilty.

DreamsofSerenity

My exa used to insult overweight people CONSTANTLY. He was so judgmental about the food people ate, and so effing self righteous about the fact he ate chicken breasts and broccoli every night of his life. I'm not overweight but it still really bothered me. I thought "who in the h*ll does he think he is sitting in judgment over people when he is destroying his body more quickly with alcohol than they are with food?!?!"

He used to complain about body aches all the time, and when I'd tell him to take some advil, he'd act like I suggested he shoot up morphine or something. It was times like those I truly thought he had serious brain damage--or that I had brain damage for being with someone so seemingly stupid.

What is up with them?? Are they truly incapble of seeing their hypocrisy?

dandylion

Dear Yurt, I gotta say that he sure does sound very domineering and controlling within the family. My children's father (my first marriage) was like that, and he wasn't even an alcoholic! Long story short (after 6yrs. of crying and trying)--I divorced him and never looked back. I was very young when I married him (22yrs,) and I grew enough during that marriage to retake my rightful power and my dignity. He has never changed (very narcissistic).

dandylion

Yurt

Until about a year ago, it didn't bother me so much. I kew that life could be better, in fact we were better for a lot of years. Things just seem broken now, and I don't know how to fix them. It often feels like he can't stand to have me around, but doesn't know what to do about it.