pravchaw

I have a tactical question and would like to get some opinions.

My 21 yo son has an addiction to marijuana. He is living apart from us now and still using. He works in the neighborhood. Last couple of weeks he has visited us and stayed overnight. He has not appeared to be high and says he is trying to quit and is able to go several days without smoking pot.

I know he drinks alcohol as well but as far as I know, is able to maintain moderation. Is it okay for him to have a beer or glass of wine when he is over? Until now we have try not to drink in front of him and have locked away all our alcohol, but it see ms kind of hypocritical because he knows we are social beer/wine drinkers and as far as we know he is able to deal with beer/wine etc without being an ass.

Katiekate

The short answer, from my perspective is no.

In his addiction, he will use it against you.

I never understood how my parents could tell us as children not to drink or smoke pot when they were getting loaded all the time. My father nightly.

It was always very confusing for me, as a child, to hear my mother complaining to us, as children, about my father and his behavior when drinking , and then she would go out and drink with him.

At 8 years old I was asking myself these questions.

It is none of his business what you do, but believe me, he will use it against you to stay in his addcition.

Kindeyes

The way that I resolved this question for myself was I totally stopped drinking. I was so angry and sick of what drugs and alcohol had done to my family that the thought of drinking made me sick to my stomach. This may not be the answer for you but it completely resolved the matter in my own mind.

gentle hugs
ke

wicked

I agree with KatieKate, he will use it against you, no doubt.
And I see it as hypocritical to consume any mind altering substances when a known addict, still suffering is around.
With an addict, you either do, or you do with excuses.
Just my opinion.
If he does not live with you then do what every you want, but when he comes to visit, no booze or drugs would be my rule.

I do not do either any more. People live happy full lives without a drink always at the ready.
Okay, it seemed that way when I was a kid.

A drink for every thing under the sun and for that matter the moon.

I guess the only way to find out is to wait for the day he does drink and become an ass, or just keep it out of harms way,
just until he is more secure in his sobriety

Beth

pravchaw

Thanks for the feedback. Giving up all alcohol at our home is one clear way for us to go. Alcohol has never been central to our lifestyle so like KE we go there its not a huge sacrifice, especially if I feel that it will help my son. But it is a significant inconvenience.

The question is, will it help him? He will likely continue to drink anyway. He is 21 after all and living independently. We are of course pressuring him ( to give up marijuana as it he has proven that he has no control over it and it affects him very negatively.) It is unproven as yet (but probable) that he has no control over alcohol.

If alcohol is indeed not his problem - then abstinence from alcohol may paradoxically hinder him by taking away another pleasurable activity. Also isn't responsible drinking a learned activity? Alcoholism is much rarer in certain ethnic groups like chinese, french, italians, jews where responsible drinking is taught vs. English, Irish, Indian where drinking is frowned upon and restricted but the young get into binge drinking and alcoholism is much more common. The more we frown and control the more they want it.

doggonecarl

With that in mind, maybe having no alcohol at home is a healthy boundry for you and your wife and one you can ask your son to respect. That way, you won't have to deal with any possible lack of control in your own home.

And what he does outside the home is on him.

And who knows if alcohol will become a problem for your boy. However, it did become a problem for me.

I smoked pot and drank all through my 20s. I finally quit smoking pot, but continued to drink because alcohol wasn't my problem. Well, 20-something years later alcohol most certainly was my problem.

In my case, the same factors that drove me to alter my consciousness with marijuana were the same reasons I drank, or did meth, or coke, or hallucinogens, or pain killers. I needed to get high. It didn't matter how.

I'm not saying that my outcome will be your son's outcome. I knew people who smoked pot who didn't become addicted to everything. But I knew few people who had serious problems with pot that didn't have problems with some other substance.

I hope your son finds his way out of this.

allforcnm

My husband has never had a problem with alcohol; his thing was pain pills. But when he was in rehab, his doctor said that during early recovery one of the dangers of drinking alcohol would be the risk of using it to fill in for the emotional loss he was feeling from the pills. So even if your son has no addiction to alcohol & may be able to drink responsibly in time; I would worry that while he is trying to change his thinking and behavior it would be best to avoid it. Since he is 21 of course he will drink if he wants. He does not live with you, but only visits; I think it is your choice to remove the alcohol from your home. Perhaps the best way to handle it would be to set some type of boundary regarding drinking in the home: a limit, or none if it appears he has a problem at any time, or if you just feel uncomfortable then be honest about it with him. I know its a bit different because you are a parent, and your right sometimes kids will do the opposite to be rebellious, but in the rehab process my husband and I were taught to do our best to be honest and discuss feelings on both sides to keep things clear and remove any possible resentments or misunderstandings.

legna

An frequently unasked question but one I am curious to pursue is: How do you know that he is addicted to marijuana? Is it a diagnosis that has been made within the family or outside? The reason that I'm asking this is that it has been my experience that generally speaking, twenty-one year olds have poor impulse control. For someone who has not much experience with addiction, I would think that a failure to stop an activity that is due to poor impulse control might look an awful lot like addiction. I am not saying that this is the case with your son - but it was a perspective that I didn't see presented.

If indeed he is an addict, than yes, if his drug of choice (pot in his case) is not available, then he will take what he can get to achieve the escape that he is currently getting from pot.

Actually, I looked for the study before posting but haven't found it as of yet...but, those cultures who have had alcohol the longest have the lowest rates of alcoholism today. Those cultures for whom alcohol is relatively new (anthropologically speaking) have a higher rate. The graph is almost a straight line upwards from the Jewish to the Alaskan Native/American Indian cultures.

Kindeyes

The short answer is.....no. It won't help him. If he's an alcoholic, he's going to drink regardless of what you do or don't do. If he's a drug addict, he's going to do drugs regardless of what you do or don't do.

I didn't stop drinking altogether for my son though. I did it for me. I did it because I was in anguish over my son's drug and alcohol problem and it was a way for me to "retaliate" against the substance itself (if that makes any sense). I refuse to pay one cent toward drugs or alcohol (except prescription taken as prescribed of course). It's my protest. It's something I DO have control over. It was my way of removing any hypocritical message to my son and, therefore, relieving myself of any ambiguity. It was for me.

Is it nice to be able to say that our home is a drug-free/alcohol-free zone? Honestly, yes.....because then I don't have those nagging questions that you mention. Many of my friends are in recovery so they certainly don't have a problem with it. My husband rarely drinks so he doesn't have a problem with it.

It was not in any way inconvenient for me because it was my choice, done for me, not for my son. Is it inconvenient for guests? Yes perhaps but I don't care. If they can't enjoy a wee bit of time with friends without alcohol.....that's on them....not on me.

I hope that clarifies my thoughts on the matter.

gentle hugs
ke

BeavsDad

We still have alcohol in our house. My RAS (23) son is around people who drink here and at work where he pulls occasional bartender shifts.

He is an addict and I am not.
He knows that 1 beer today could very possibly lead to smoking heroin this weekend.
I can have 6 beers tonight and definitely not be smoking heroin this weekend.

He is moving back in soon and if the day comes where he decides that he wants to just grab a beer and feel normal, he will need to find somewhere else to live.
Been there, done that. "Active recovery" is a condition.
When he challenges the devil, he loses. Every. Time.

If having your boy, with known substance issues (addiction or not) that have caused much family drama, drinking in your house makes you uncomfortable, tell him he can't.

It doesn't make you a hypocrite.

I would love to be able to sit and have a beer with my boy, but that isn't possible.

Doesn't mean I can't have the beer. I like beer.

legna

I so get this.

Mountainmanbob

pravchaw

Thanks for all the feedback. Some divergent points of view, which I will have to reconcile in my mind. Making our home a no-alcohol zone is attractive to me but I also have to consider other "normal" family members, i.e., my wife and my younger 19 yo son. (19 is the legal age in Canada).

Perhaps they can be persuaded that at least while my son is in active addiction (and early recovery when it comes) we do not have any alcohol in the home.