My XABF shot himself yesterday
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 41
My XABF shot himself yesterday
I left my XABF in November,best decision of my life, and he went to rehab apparently and did well for a month then went back to the same ol crap according to mutual friends.
Well yesterday morning his mother texted me asking for the phone number of two of our old neighbors from when we lived together. I figured he must be passed out drunk again and I sent them to her. Later on when I got home from work a different old neighbor called and left me a voicemail that my ex had shot himself in the gut and was in the hospital in critical condition. I started shaking uncontrollably and called my mom and sister crying. I had soo many emotions. Extreme anger that the neighbor told me this, shock that he would do this to himself, etc.
I've erased him from my life and I would rather not know these things! I felt sick to my stomach all night last night and this morning. I finally texted his brother this morning to confirm it was true and he said yes he did and that he'd had surgery and was in stable condition. I've felt better since hearing that but I'm still just in disbelief. One of the other neighbors has texted and called me telling me i need to do something with HIS dog. I'm sorry lady but they are not my responsibility. His parents apparently got into town today and can help with her.
I feel like this act was a giant cry for help. I am praying he gets the help he needs. He tried to contact me on Facebook a few days ago after not hearing from him for months. He asked me to call him and I just deleted the message and ignored it. I know that didn't cause him to do it and I certainly dot blame myself but i still feel bad. Ugh.
Have any of you dealt with this????
Thanks for letting me get it out.
Well yesterday morning his mother texted me asking for the phone number of two of our old neighbors from when we lived together. I figured he must be passed out drunk again and I sent them to her. Later on when I got home from work a different old neighbor called and left me a voicemail that my ex had shot himself in the gut and was in the hospital in critical condition. I started shaking uncontrollably and called my mom and sister crying. I had soo many emotions. Extreme anger that the neighbor told me this, shock that he would do this to himself, etc.
I've erased him from my life and I would rather not know these things! I felt sick to my stomach all night last night and this morning. I finally texted his brother this morning to confirm it was true and he said yes he did and that he'd had surgery and was in stable condition. I've felt better since hearing that but I'm still just in disbelief. One of the other neighbors has texted and called me telling me i need to do something with HIS dog. I'm sorry lady but they are not my responsibility. His parents apparently got into town today and can help with her.
I feel like this act was a giant cry for help. I am praying he gets the help he needs. He tried to contact me on Facebook a few days ago after not hearing from him for months. He asked me to call him and I just deleted the message and ignored it. I know that didn't cause him to do it and I certainly dot blame myself but i still feel bad. Ugh.
Have any of you dealt with this????
Thanks for letting me get it out.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
(((((cranapple))))) I am SO SORRY that you are having to deal with this!! I haven't dealt with anything like this, but I'm glad that you realize it is NOT your fault and that you aren't rushing over there to try to help him. If this was a cry for help, then he is in the right place, the hospital, to get the help he needs, and if he wants advice or information on rehab, etc., I'm sure there are people at the hospital who can help him with that. Hopefully, this was his rock bottom and he can now work on taking back control of his life. I'm sorry I don't have any real words of wisdom, but just wanted to reach out and send you some big hugs.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
(((Hugs))) to you Cranapple. I think EverHopeful is right...he is in the place he needs to be. I would fully anticipate the doctors will have him set up for a psych eval while he is in the hospital and they will be able to recommend the appropriate help for him moving forward. Hopefully they will also be able to enlist his family to support him through this. I hope you are able to find some comfort and get some rest.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
It sounds like a cry for help and I am sure it was. However, at the same time, and I don't want to sound rude and believe me I do take suicide seriously, and I am sure part of him felt low enough that he did want to die, drinking will do that to you, however on the other hand it can also be an act of manupuation perhaps even unconsciously Shooting yourself in the stomach would not cause you to die right away, it would happen slowly, giving someone time to discover you or for you to call someone... I'm not saying it isn't serious...just...well it's something to consider. I hope I don't sound really insenstive or rude because I take sucide attempts or even talk seriously but the thought entered my pessamistic head and I thought I would mention it
BUT the other thing is while he is drinking he is going to get caught up in an awful cycle of self abuse and self hatred. It never ends until you put down the drink. I can PERSONALLY attest to that.
Doesn't matter how much love or oppurtunities you have, youre blind to it when you're controlled by the bottle.
My point is, he's within the grips of acoholism which is only worsening his mental state. Until he stops drinking he can't get better, and you can't make him stop. He is an adult, in charge of his choice. It's so hard to accept when you're watching someone hurt themselves...or even kill themseleves which is basically what using and drinking it anyway...a slow form of suicide.
He needs to get off the road to hell and start climbing upward but that needs to come from him. I hope you don't feel like this is your fault, getting out of his life was the best thing you could have done for both of you. You can't be his savior or let this get in the way of your OWN recvery and independence from him.
You can't save him from himself and it's not your job. Your job is to take care of YOU, let him take care of him and get the help he nees. I completely understan why you're so distraught, I recently went through something somewhat similar with an ex of mine, it's not easy and it makes it harder to keep your distance but it s the best thing.
BUT the other thing is while he is drinking he is going to get caught up in an awful cycle of self abuse and self hatred. It never ends until you put down the drink. I can PERSONALLY attest to that.
Doesn't matter how much love or oppurtunities you have, youre blind to it when you're controlled by the bottle.
My point is, he's within the grips of acoholism which is only worsening his mental state. Until he stops drinking he can't get better, and you can't make him stop. He is an adult, in charge of his choice. It's so hard to accept when you're watching someone hurt themselves...or even kill themseleves which is basically what using and drinking it anyway...a slow form of suicide.
He needs to get off the road to hell and start climbing upward but that needs to come from him. I hope you don't feel like this is your fault, getting out of his life was the best thing you could have done for both of you. You can't be his savior or let this get in the way of your OWN recvery and independence from him.
You can't save him from himself and it's not your job. Your job is to take care of YOU, let him take care of him and get the help he nees. I completely understan why you're so distraught, I recently went through something somewhat similar with an ex of mine, it's not easy and it makes it harder to keep your distance but it s the best thing.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,915
I'm so sorry this has happened, cranapple. It is so hard and heart-wrenching to be a loved one of an addict. It hurts to know that we can't do anything to save them. We are just not that powerful.
I went through something similar last year. My ex-husband died, not from a self-inflicted gunshot wound, but from self-inflicted neglect of his health. I loved him, but I just couldn't continue to live with him. We can love them, but we cannot save them.
If you are interested, you can read this thread I posted when I found out he died.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...now-stacy.html
After everything I know about addiction, it still haunts me...I didn't answer the door.
I went through something similar last year. My ex-husband died, not from a self-inflicted gunshot wound, but from self-inflicted neglect of his health. I loved him, but I just couldn't continue to live with him. We can love them, but we cannot save them.
If you are interested, you can read this thread I posted when I found out he died.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...now-stacy.html
After everything I know about addiction, it still haunts me...I didn't answer the door.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
Cranapple, I am so sorry he did that and that you are going through all the feelings surrounding it. Hang on to what you said in the first sentence of your post: you left him which was the best decision of your life. I know it doesn't take away the sadness you feel for him, but your conscious is clear. Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I'm sorry. I know you know it but I have to say it again: You know this is not your fault. You didn't cause it.
Take care of yourself. And whatever you feel like you need to do, do it, but don't get sucked back in. Lots of love.
Take care of yourself. And whatever you feel like you need to do, do it, but don't get sucked back in. Lots of love.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Back to basics, cranapple.
YOU
Did not cause this,
Cannot control it,
Cannot cure it.
Not much you can do about it either way.
He has been to rehab. He knows/knew how to get help.
You are not 9-11, both of you (and especially you) know this.
Sorry you are going through this. Have to tell you that I would feel guilty, too. Not really for cause, but such is the heart.
And in truth, I fold faster than Superman on laundry day when Mrs. Hammer has pulled the suicide routine(s) on me, too.
Best to you, we are all in this together, and good job you on not getting sucked into the crazy.
YOU
Did not cause this,
Cannot control it,
Cannot cure it.
Not much you can do about it either way.
He has been to rehab. He knows/knew how to get help.
You are not 9-11, both of you (and especially you) know this.
Sorry you are going through this. Have to tell you that I would feel guilty, too. Not really for cause, but such is the heart.
And in truth, I fold faster than Superman on laundry day when Mrs. Hammer has pulled the suicide routine(s) on me, too.
Best to you, we are all in this together, and good job you on not getting sucked into the crazy.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
What a traumatic event to have to experience, I am so sorry this has happened. He is getting the help he desperately needs and in the hands of those qualified to help.
Nothing wrong in you seeking some counseling for yourself either. This is not a normal event and you may benefit in the long run by talking to someone now.
This is the kind of thing that tends to creep back on us without us even realizing it down the road. It’s very hard to wrap your mind around someone actually attempting suicide then threatening it while in a drunken or drug state of mind.
I certainly know I would need professional help to guide me through this type of thing if it were to happen to me.
Many years ago a good friend of mine’s brother was found dead with a small bullet in his head. It was said that he had a gun and while drunk was target shooting and a bullet hit a tree then bounced off and hit him in the head…….it was extremely sad and very hard to deal with……months later when the truth finally came out that it was done on purpose and he had left a note…..it was almost impossible to wrap my mind around that and I truly wish I had know to go and talk to a professional. It seemed to haunt me and play on my mind in many un-healthy ways.
((hugs))
Nothing wrong in you seeking some counseling for yourself either. This is not a normal event and you may benefit in the long run by talking to someone now.
This is the kind of thing that tends to creep back on us without us even realizing it down the road. It’s very hard to wrap your mind around someone actually attempting suicide then threatening it while in a drunken or drug state of mind.
I certainly know I would need professional help to guide me through this type of thing if it were to happen to me.
Many years ago a good friend of mine’s brother was found dead with a small bullet in his head. It was said that he had a gun and while drunk was target shooting and a bullet hit a tree then bounced off and hit him in the head…….it was extremely sad and very hard to deal with……months later when the truth finally came out that it was done on purpose and he had left a note…..it was almost impossible to wrap my mind around that and I truly wish I had know to go and talk to a professional. It seemed to haunt me and play on my mind in many un-healthy ways.
((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
I echo what others here have said. It's not your fault, and yet, it is terribly painful to see someone you cared about disintegrate.
The hospital is the place he needs to be now; he is getting another chance, and he will have every support available to him there to recover to a healthy life.
Let us all pray he is ready to accept this opportunity.
As Southwest Airlines says, "you are free to move about the country now". You have no obligation to him, only perhaps the human compassion to feel his pain and genuinely wish him health and recovery.
Your life is yours; his life is his.
We're all with you.
ShootingStar1
The hospital is the place he needs to be now; he is getting another chance, and he will have every support available to him there to recover to a healthy life.
Let us all pray he is ready to accept this opportunity.
As Southwest Airlines says, "you are free to move about the country now". You have no obligation to him, only perhaps the human compassion to feel his pain and genuinely wish him health and recovery.
Your life is yours; his life is his.
We're all with you.
ShootingStar1
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Ditto what everyone else has said. I'm sorry this happened, and I agree with Fenway that a gut-shot sounds more like a gesture than a serious attempt to end one's life. Still, it's obvious that he is in a great deal of pain.
I hope he gets the help he needs, and that he ACCEPTS the help. And I hope you are able to do the same.
Hugs,
I hope he gets the help he needs, and that he ACCEPTS the help. And I hope you are able to do the same.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Big hugs to you, cranapple.
I know its tempting to go down the 'could I have prevented that?' road. Sometimes I wonder if I could have prevented my best friend from drinking herself to death. What if I had been more supportive? More available? More understanding?
I think its normal for us to go there. It just isn't realistic nor rational.
Peace,
~T
I know its tempting to go down the 'could I have prevented that?' road. Sometimes I wonder if I could have prevented my best friend from drinking herself to death. What if I had been more supportive? More available? More understanding?
I think its normal for us to go there. It just isn't realistic nor rational.
Peace,
~T
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Oh cranapple,
I am so sorry for your pain and stress.
We can only hope that this physical pain, and being in the hospital
will get a message to your ex.
I will pray he finds recovery.
Pray for him, and do for you.
Because, that is ALL any one of us can do.
Beth
I am so sorry for your pain and stress.
We can only hope that this physical pain, and being in the hospital
will get a message to your ex.
I will pray he finds recovery.
Pray for him, and do for you.
Because, that is ALL any one of us can do.
Beth
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