Hello. Here's the story of my final straw...
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 70
Hello. Here's the story of my final straw...
Hello. Introductory post. Bound to be long…
My AH was a RAH for 13 years. I met him at the tail end of his drinking, when we were both 21. I was too young, and too stupid to understand what it meant for someone to identify themselves as an alcoholic. He stopped a few months after we met, and we never looked back. I now realize that I never saw him in his full blown addiction. We fell in love, traveled, got married, went through two battles with cancer (both his), and had a wonderful daughter. He spent the past two years working through school for a new career, graduated, and got a great job last November. In December, he jumped off of the wagon.
AH was hospitalized 5 times between December and April for drug and alcohol overdoses and suicide attempts. Each visit was at least a week long. I have paid almost ten thousand dollars for his medical care. He has been to three separate rehab facilities. He hasn’t lived with us (me and the 5YO daughter) since the 2nd hospital stay. Two weeks of coming home to find him drunk or high was plenty for me. He bounced around from place to place, and has landed at his mom’s house. She tells him that he can’t drink and live under her roof, but she can’t follow through with the consequences, and so he is still there. He is struggling with his sobriety. He can't seem to stay sober for longer than 2 weeks or a month.
Because we share a child, and I love him, we have been slowly trying to reconcile. Part of this reconciliation for me is establishing boundaries and requiring him to be a self sufficient adult. If he can do it for himself, then I’m not going to do it. He does not care for this. On Monday, I told him that I wouldn’t do xyz for him, and he instantly withdrew and became very cold. I caved in and did xyz. On Tuesday, he showed up to our home unannounced to change his clothes. He was acting very shady. He left and I went to see why he needed to change his clothes. I dug them out of the hamper, and they had vomit on them. I spent Tuesday night trying to come up with a reasonable explanation for this that did not involve a relapse. Wednesday I found out that his mom had ‘made’ him take an antibuse before going over to his drinking buddy’s house. He made himself throw the pill up so that he could go drink.
This feels like my final straw. The multiple hospitalizations, the ruined Christmas, the trauma to myself and my daughter, and a pair of pants covered in vomit is the thing that breaks me. He says that it isn’t a big deal, but it is. After the hell of the past six months it is not okay for him to casually drink.
I’m really glad that I found this website. I’ve been reading through the forum, and I relate to so much of the behaviors.
My AH was a RAH for 13 years. I met him at the tail end of his drinking, when we were both 21. I was too young, and too stupid to understand what it meant for someone to identify themselves as an alcoholic. He stopped a few months after we met, and we never looked back. I now realize that I never saw him in his full blown addiction. We fell in love, traveled, got married, went through two battles with cancer (both his), and had a wonderful daughter. He spent the past two years working through school for a new career, graduated, and got a great job last November. In December, he jumped off of the wagon.
AH was hospitalized 5 times between December and April for drug and alcohol overdoses and suicide attempts. Each visit was at least a week long. I have paid almost ten thousand dollars for his medical care. He has been to three separate rehab facilities. He hasn’t lived with us (me and the 5YO daughter) since the 2nd hospital stay. Two weeks of coming home to find him drunk or high was plenty for me. He bounced around from place to place, and has landed at his mom’s house. She tells him that he can’t drink and live under her roof, but she can’t follow through with the consequences, and so he is still there. He is struggling with his sobriety. He can't seem to stay sober for longer than 2 weeks or a month.
Because we share a child, and I love him, we have been slowly trying to reconcile. Part of this reconciliation for me is establishing boundaries and requiring him to be a self sufficient adult. If he can do it for himself, then I’m not going to do it. He does not care for this. On Monday, I told him that I wouldn’t do xyz for him, and he instantly withdrew and became very cold. I caved in and did xyz. On Tuesday, he showed up to our home unannounced to change his clothes. He was acting very shady. He left and I went to see why he needed to change his clothes. I dug them out of the hamper, and they had vomit on them. I spent Tuesday night trying to come up with a reasonable explanation for this that did not involve a relapse. Wednesday I found out that his mom had ‘made’ him take an antibuse before going over to his drinking buddy’s house. He made himself throw the pill up so that he could go drink.
This feels like my final straw. The multiple hospitalizations, the ruined Christmas, the trauma to myself and my daughter, and a pair of pants covered in vomit is the thing that breaks me. He says that it isn’t a big deal, but it is. After the hell of the past six months it is not okay for him to casually drink.
I’m really glad that I found this website. I’ve been reading through the forum, and I relate to so much of the behaviors.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Welcome, glad you are here.
I hope you will check out Al-Anon, too--it's a great source of support. You will be dealing with this guy as father of your daughter at least until she is an adult, so learning as much as you can about how to deal with the consequences of having an alcoholic in your life is something that will pay off for you and your daughter.
Sorry you are going through all this. I take it he has not been in AA all these years?
I hope you will check out Al-Anon, too--it's a great source of support. You will be dealing with this guy as father of your daughter at least until she is an adult, so learning as much as you can about how to deal with the consequences of having an alcoholic in your life is something that will pay off for you and your daughter.
Sorry you are going through all this. I take it he has not been in AA all these years?
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Welcome, Brokentapestry!
I'm sorry to hear about your husband's epic relapse. IMHO, you are certainly correct to protect yourself and your precious daughter from the out-of-control active addict.
I second Lexie's suggestion of Al-Anon, and there are other family support groups associated with some of the other recovery programs, too. There's also a lot of great, basic information in the 'stickies' at the top of each forum. I hope you will take the time and read all you can.
HG
I'm sorry to hear about your husband's epic relapse. IMHO, you are certainly correct to protect yourself and your precious daughter from the out-of-control active addict.
I second Lexie's suggestion of Al-Anon, and there are other family support groups associated with some of the other recovery programs, too. There's also a lot of great, basic information in the 'stickies' at the top of each forum. I hope you will take the time and read all you can.
HG
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 70
Thank you all for the welcome! I feel more peaceful today than I have in months. Just saying to myself and this group that this roller coaster ride is NOT okay is pretty huge for me.
I've arranged a sitter so that I can go to a newcomers Al-anon meeting next week. I'm seeing my own counselor, and working on my stuff. I feel hopeful and somewhat excited that I am going to be okay. I don't know if AH will be, but I'm not in charge of that. OMG, that is so freeing! I have goosebumps right now, just from thinking about it.
Thanks again, and have a wonderful day!
I've arranged a sitter so that I can go to a newcomers Al-anon meeting next week. I'm seeing my own counselor, and working on my stuff. I feel hopeful and somewhat excited that I am going to be okay. I don't know if AH will be, but I'm not in charge of that. OMG, that is so freeing! I have goosebumps right now, just from thinking about it.
Thanks again, and have a wonderful day!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
Welcome. We understand what you are going through. You are wise to set boundaries and to protect yourself and your beautiful DD from you ADH and the wrath of addiction. Keep focusing on yourself and your DD. Alanon may be a great source of support for you. YOu will learn the 3 c's You didnt cause his addiction, you cant control how much he drinks and you cant cure it. He can only do those things for himself. The only person you can control is yourself. Keep up the positive work.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 70
[/QUOTE=LexieCat;4015882]I take it he has not been in AA all these years?[/QUOTE]
He did AA for many years, but kind of fell out of the habit once our daughter was born. Then, he decided that AA conflicted with his religious beliefs due to the HP language. He never really found anything else to replace it...
He's been trying AA again recently, but again is struggling with the HP references. Or at least that was his excuse yesterday for why AA is not working for him. He's back to saying that he doesn't even know if he is an A.
I'm just trying to drill the three C's into my head, and step away from the drama. His use doesn't have to be my problem. Maybe if I keep saying that, it will become true.
He did AA for many years, but kind of fell out of the habit once our daughter was born. Then, he decided that AA conflicted with his religious beliefs due to the HP language. He never really found anything else to replace it...
He's been trying AA again recently, but again is struggling with the HP references. Or at least that was his excuse yesterday for why AA is not working for him. He's back to saying that he doesn't even know if he is an A.
I'm just trying to drill the three C's into my head, and step away from the drama. His use doesn't have to be my problem. Maybe if I keep saying that, it will become true.
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