unsureoffuture

To continue my Saga with ADH,

I gave my ADH the Ultimatum/informal intervention last Thursday which basically confronted the problem, how it affected me and the kids. That I knew at some point in the past he had driven with the kids with open containers. I said I would no longer live with an active alcoholic and gave him numbers for inpatient detox, AA and a counselor specializing in addiction therapy. I told him I had been to see a divorce lawyer and that would be the next step if he did not get sober.

Well he did "cut down" so to speak, but not even 24 hours later, he had a cup of wine and bottles of beer throughout the day in his "hiding place" in the garage. I know I'm not supposed to look and check but I was curious as to how he would react with the ultimatum. He played Mr Nice guy all weekend..helping with the kids, doing laundry and cooking an entire meal which he hasn't done in the last 10 years. I think he is trying to "hook" me again and then go back to his normal pattern. Obviously he isn't serious about sobriety. I know they say look at the actions-still drinking, hasnt called any recovery program and is still lying/hiding it.

I know what I need to do. I need to file for divorce. I can't trust him and obviously he isn't willing, ready or able to change. It's just so hard with kids who adore their Dad. The lawyer said to stay in the "family home" as long as possible during the divorce process. This is the hard part because I am a planner (my co-dependant self I guess needing to control things) and I don't know if I can afford the family home all on my own so its nerve wracking not knowing where I am going to live and having to uproot the kids. I guess I just need some kind words to get me through.

happybeingme

I am sorry you are going through this but you are right, he is trying to hook you in. I know, I am a recovering alcoholic and all we care about is our own comfort and where the next drink is.
Divorce probably is your only sane option. As for the house, stay as long as you can. You should also know the exact monthly cost to stay there on your own. Utilities,cable,mortgage, etc. Dont depend on child support or anything because there is always a good chance he wont pay. Start looking for more affordable housing options in your area.
Long term, you are doing the best thing for yourself and the kids

wicked

I am sorry it has come to this unsureoffuture.
It is obvious to me you are correct, no way is he giving up alcohol, just thinking he will hide it better. Drunks cannot think beyond keeping alcohol around.

He made dinner for the first time in ten years! wow! That is cause for saying something sarcastic! LOL Unbelievable, and you are supposed to swoon and all will be forgiven. I know he doesn't think it that easy, but hiding the booze in his "secret" place the first day says it all.

I am sorry for the children who adore their dad. I adored my dad, and he could not love me back. He was an alcoholic. I think he had no idea how to love someone.
I do not know about your husband, (his love for you or his children) but he seems to be choosing alcohol over your ultimatum.
He made no calls for help, recovery, inpatient, detox?

Since you are a planner (gosh, I wish I was a planner!).
Just run some numbers up and down the old spreadsheet or your choice of number control.
You will surprise yourself.
Being a planner, I bet you save big bucks at the grocery store? With the coupons?
I agree with happybeingme. Plan for a change and you will be prepared.
Prepared is so much more serene than

Maybe I could learn to plan.

It is much better to uproot the kids than have to visit them at the hospital after a horrible accident with "open containers".

My open container was a big cup filled to the brim with beer.
At least 36 ounces I could empty pretty quickly.
Pick another one out of the cooler and fill it up right quick, all while driving.
Looked like I was drinking soda. Pretty damn scary.
That is what i did as a drunk. I no longer drink, so I no longer do that.
It still gives me the heebee geebies though, 16 years later. <shudder>

Take care of yourself first, make your plan, and take care of your kids.
You can do it, you have been doing most of it yourself anyway right?
10 years to make a meal. Wow.

I have no doubts about your abilities. You are a mom and have been doing it this long,
you can do it alone, and probably better without the P.I.T.A. alcoholic bringing the chaos in more frequently as his addiction gets worse.

You have friends and support here always!



Beth