slv35

My mom has been dealing with my brothers drinking problem for a few years now. I no longer have a relationship with him because of his drinking and erratic personality. Yesterday my mom called me in tears because my brother physically attacked her and threatened to kill her for suggesting he needs help. After this, he did agree to go to a doctor for an evaluation, however I don't know that he will ever agree to treatment - which he definitely needs. In the past few years since graduating college, he has turned into a slug - he has no job, no means of supporting himself, lives in a house owned by my parents and has completely trashed it, his hygiene is reprehensible, and he looks terrible - his eyes are yellow and always bloodshot and he generally reeks of alcohol. I don't even know how to go about helping my mom - I am scared for her life. Does anyone know of a resource besides AlAnon (she tried that) to help her meet people in the same situation?

Anna

I'm sorry for your situation.

AlAnon is probably the best bet for your mother to find support for herself.

We do have a forum for Friends & Families on this board, too:

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Dee74

welcome to SR slv35

D

honeypig

I agree that Alanon is your mom's best bet, and it sounds like she is sorely in need of help. I wonder if you can elaborate a little about what didn't work about Alanon? The usual advice is to try 6 different meetings before making a decision, as different groups can have very different "flavors."

Also, I know it is very common for newcomers to expect that Alanon is all about finding a way to make the addict start acting the way they want them to act; they are then completely turned off when they find out that's not what Alanon does and that the focus is upon him/herself rather than the addict.

I'd strongly urge your mom (and you also) to try Alanon; maybe if you go and it turns out to help you, she will be encouraged to try again. Would you consider that, perhaps?

Wishing you strength and clarity.

Impurrfect

Welcome to SR, though sorry for what has brought you here.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

least

I hope she reported his attack and threats to the police. If not, she should. Anytime anyone threatens violence they should be reported, relative or not.


Can she get a restraining order against him? Maybe look into that too. He sounds dangerous to me.

slv35

Thank you for your insights. The Alanon meetings she went to were more like a group of old friends talking about current happenings in their life...not at all about the alcoholics in their lives or how to deal with them. She found that they were not really a support group. Maybe I should have her try another location?

I wish she would have called the police, but she did not. I am actually surprised that she even told me about the attack. I am scared for her safety.

Mountainmanbob

slv35

I know - I feel the same way. I know if it were me he attacked, the police would have been called. I know my mom is at her whit's end so maybe she is reaching her tipping point? My brother did go in for a dr evaluation this week and both my mom and I were sent a survey to fill out regarding his problems. I am hoping what we wrote is enough to get him into treatment.

honeypig

Yes, there are "meetings" like that, unfortunately, but there are also very good, focused meetings that actually work the 12 steps of the program, where people discuss the concepts and steps and how they have applied these to their lives, and these can be a lifesaver (literally!) for the people who attend.

The rule of thumb that is often given is to attend 6 different meetings before coming to a conclusion about Alanon and whether or not it's helpful for you. Different meetings as in different time of day or different day of the week or different location so that you're getting a different group of people.

I'm sorry your mom's experience was like that, but that is not how Alanon is supposed to function, and I'd like to encourage you both to try again (assuming you live near her?).

silentrun

My brother is like that. Whenever I would try to talk to him he would get angry and say "don't ever do anything against me." Meaning an intervention. It is so hard to watch someone you love live like that and finally kill themselves. It seems like you are somehow failing them if you don't intervene. He is sick and can't help himself so I will help him. She can't. That is not an easy thing to accept. She should save her strength for the day he needs help recovering. Hopefully that day will come. He is on the dark side of the moon and she just needs to wait for him to come back around.

slv35

I totally understand. One time I called him an alcoholic and he screamed at me to never call him that again. I think calling him an alcoholic is probably better than calling him what he really is...a drunk.

silentrun

It's almost like mourning the death of someone while they are still alive. Hopefully he stops before he kills himself. That has a better chance of happening when you stop protecting them from the consequences.