lillamy

My ex never parked his private jet, gave the butler the night off, and then beat me. We were never rich, just upper middle class professionals. But there is so much in this book that I recognize - from being incredulous that alcoholism and abuse was affecting me (because domestic violence and drunks happen in trailer parks) to the nonchalant treatment by support agencies ("why don't you just take some of your money and hire a lawyer and a therapist, Ma'm?") to a judicial system that seemed to have trouble with a defendant who was for demographic purposes one of them.

The book is called "Not to People Like Us: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages" and talks about the specific challenges facing women of financial means and/or high-level educations/careers in abusive marriages. Susan Weitzman is the author.

I stumbled on the book in the library and it has been really helpful in putting words to experiences that I've had. Including the shame at being abused and the social ostracism from peers (because domestic violence is sooooo low class... and maybe contagious?)

Anyway. Just wanted to share that title in case someone thinks they can glean some nuggets from it. It felt good to me to hear other women say "I didn't think I had the right to get help because my worries were about being able to send the kids to camp in the summer, not being able to feed them." It may seem like a luxury problem, but it actually adds to the burden - not only are you an abuse victim, you're also feeling like maybe you being abused wasn't as bad as the other woman because you have a college degree and she works at Walmart.

It reminds me if something someone said to me about something else: "Different just means different, not easier. We like to think that because people seem to possess something we don't - money, fame, reputation - their problems are luxury problems. But there's no objectively comparing pain. Just because you're not impoverished and living in a war zone doesn't mean you aren't entitled to saying 'I'm hurting really bad'."

Sueski

Money just gives you a different set of problems. It's certainly not a get-out-of-pain- free card!

unsureoffuture

I agree and sort of feel this way about the alcoholism itself. My Adh and I are both respected health professionals. We live in an upper middle class area where social drinking is the norm. I don't have many friends I can talk to because they all think my ADh is "normal" and just one of them. It's almost the stigma that to be an alcoholic you are a homeless bum on the street. It feels very isolating. I a making plans to leave and divorce my Adh and I worry what the legal system will see in regards to my ADH. He presents so very well and one of my biggest worries will be the custody battle with the kids. I am afraid the Judge will say look at that upstanding health professional, no way he could be an alcoholic it's just a bitter wife out to get him.

dandylion

Yeah, unsureoffuture, I hear you.

dandylion

dandylion

Dear lillamy--sounds like a really interesting read..I might feed my Amazon (book section) addiction with this.....

I'm just thinking, that, maybe, the best of both worlds is to strive to be in the "lower middle class". It keeps the wolves from the door on both sides...?

I want to make a confession here--since I am guilty of the same thing we are talking about sometimes: I felt warmer toward Dr. Phil when he was just the guy who had only on old car and a cat (when he met Robin) and was trying to make something for himself---Than when I recently found out that he spent 30million for his new house. I wish I hadn't heard that. I scold myself for feeling this way.........I am fighting it, though--I try to remember that he is the same guy---and struggle to keep this one of the 7 Deadly Sins away (envy)

dandylion

lillamy

I sometimes wonder if there's a great big gigantic plan for me to become more humble.

Before all of this, I was judgmental of women who didn't leave their addict or abusive husbands. I mean why didn't they just walk out? How hard can it be? Mmmm yeah. Got that lesson down. I rolled my eyes when Jackson Browne beat Darryl Hannah because you know how bad can it be when you're a Hollywood actress?

Yeah. Growth opportunities.

fedup3

I'm right with you, lillamy, been there done that.

SoulKat

Me three!

PippiLngstockng

Thanks lillamy. That was a helpful nugget.

I come from a very mixed background. My family in the U.S. Has much less education/money/privilege than I. They thought I had it made. So in a way, AH not paying the child support and putting me and the children at risk of losing our ability to live where we are (in a teeny apartment in a very wealthy place) makes them glad. Because maybe I will lose everything and have to move back to where I come from. My tragedy could be many envious person's secret satisfaction.

Never mind that what I have and value are my children, my friends, my community, my growing independence and the peacefulness of this beautiful place. I share a bedroom with my children. All of my possessions are in my US house with AH.

But it is true what your book tells you. People don't believe AH is an A because he is rich and successful and highly educated. He presents like the nicest family guy ever. So they figure I am spoiled, bitchy, crazy because who in their right mind could complain with my beautiful, succesful family.

So the pain I experience has largely been a lonely one. This has gone on since AH became an A. No one believed me. Or if they did, they didn't think I should leave him, either. No one said leave him in my old life in the States. But they saw me as a privileged lady.

Thank God here I am among people with similar lifestyles and funny, right away when I confided to friends here, people said, 'divorce him! The sooner the better!' People also said, 'oh my how will you manage with four children all on your own?' They also assumed that with a divorce I and the children should be given a pension that would allow us to continue to maintain our current existence, although with some belt tightening adjustments.

So people who don't live similarly don't think I suffer and they don't think AH is abusive or an A. This experience keeps me wanting to stick with the people who are here who understand me (ie people with similar means/backgrounds). The last thing I want to do is be in a place where my suffering makes the people around me glad.

Never thought of it like that before!

Thanks for sharing this, lillamy!

PippiLngstockng

P.S. No private jets, staff, private schools, country clubs, fancy dining, boats, here either. We do have a couple nice bikes.