Wishful133

After numerous fights with (R) AH and a couple sessions with my therapist, as well as Codependent No More, it finally got thru my thick skull that (R)AH did not want me controlling his recovery the way I tried to control his drinking. I have backed off asking him about it, concentrated on other things and have really tried to be upbeat and positive.

Last night WWIII broke out. (R)AH says that I am "emotionally cold", I don't understand the stress he's under, I don't make time for us as a couple (did I mention we have a 14 year old with activities every night of the week that she needs to be driven to and an 11 month old with a horrible cold who doesnt sleep at night and screams in the car?)

I feel like the only thing I'm doing differently, besides not get in his face asking how is recovery is going, is not jumping in to save him from his own feelings. I'm trying to be responsible for my own and allow him to do the same.

Last night he told me he was going to pull away any emotional effort that he has been putting into us and "revisit this" in a few months, among other things, he has a very colorful vocabulary. I also have a nice new dent in our bedroom wall where he punched it when he was stomping out to leave.

I thought detachment would help things. Am I doing it wrong? I'm so tired of this. Things were going so well. He's 40 days sober today.

Hammer

From a Snapshot view, sounds like you are doing great.

And that he is struggling.

But THAT is not YOUR problem.

Taking care of the Kids and and You is your part, and good job on those, btw.

When *we* start getting blamed for *their* stuff it is called projection. Recent discussion on it here >>>

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...does-work.html

When you start to understand this, there is less resentment.

btw on review -- that punching the wall stuff -- serious No Go. Dunno the best path on it, but that needs to kept Out of The House.

DreamsofSerenity

FWIW, I think you are doing the absolute right thing. He is dumping on you like A's tend to do. He sounds like he is acting like a dry drunk to me. I would just remain calm in his presence, and when he accuses you of being emotionally cold, tell him you are working on your own recovery and learning detachment is part of that. If he tells you he is leaving because of your detachment, I'd tell him he can do whatever he needs to do to be healthy. A's don't like it when their codies detach but that doesn't mean it's not the right thing to do.

Hugs!!!

BtheChange

Wishful, my heart goes out to you. You have every right to be tired of that behavior. Often my AH would start picking fights so that he had an "excuse" to drink/relapse. To me, your husband sounds like he's white knuckling it and close to relapsing.

I hear you making light of the new dent in your bedroom wall and his colorful vocabulary. I did that too for the same exact behaviors until my therapist pointed out that those things are really very scary, very threatening, and not at all funny. We do the sarcasm thing because it is so hard to acknowledge the way that behavior truly affects us.

You should feel safe, cherished, loved, and respected by your husband. If he punches the wall he should apologize immediately, he should acknowledge that he needs more help than he's getting--not just AA but a therapist to help with anger, or something along those lines. It's his job not just to stay sober, but to respect his loved ones. Recovery does not give him a free pass to be a jerk. That's not what recovery looks like anyway, that's what BUD looks like: Building Up to Drink.

It sounds like you are really working hard on any codependent behaviors. He should appreciate that and be thankful that you have a high degree of consciousness about how your behavior affects his.

Take care of your heart. Take care of your children. Be aware that violence and fights in the home affect even infants, sometimes them the most of all. There's no way you couldn't be tired, with trying to both walk on eggshells around your husband and care for your children. I was in a very similar situation and I remember how bewildering it is. When my AH was punching holes in the wall, picking fights, etc. my infant daughter lost her appetite, kept losing weight, and was then very late to walk. I did physical therapy with her for a year and she finally walked just before turning two. She is very bright, but I still wonder if the constant tension and violence that she witnessed played a role in her late physical development.

Try to take some time for yourself, just an hour alone to process your emotions will help. This forum was a huge help for me.

((((HUGS)))) to you.

Pelican

Wow! What a classic King Baby reaction from an alcoholic!
I am referring to his "pulling away any emotional effort".
What MATURE emotional efforts has he displayed? Aggressive ranting, blame shifting, denial of responsible behavior as a father, husband, lover and friend are all Negative Emotional Efforts to me.
If he is going to pull back from those behaviors - thank your higher power!

Imho, he is planning his relapse and he will revisit sobriety in a few months.

I hope you will continue in your recovery. You are doing great!

Wavy

Detachment is to help YOU. It may not help your relationship or help him get sober, it is not another technique to use to try in vain to get him to behave differently. It is there to protect you, so that you don't get carried along on his roller coaster with him.

Detachment means letting him react however he will whilst standing true to what you feel and what you need. If his reaction is to pull away then so be it, while all the while you continue to protect your recovery. It is hard to let their reactions be what they will when often they are not the reactions we hoped for, but we can't control that, we can only control our actions, which we need to use to look after ourselves first and foremost. I'm still learning to practise this, however much I understand the theory!

Wishful133

Thanks everyone.

This detachment thing is very hard. I keep getting sucked into controlling, it's almost like he *wants* me to! And he's codependent also, so it feels like he's also micro-managing me. It's a struggle every day.

I'm wondering what happens if I continue to work on my detachment and he doesn't. Where will that leave us? Can our marriage survive that? I know no one knows these answers, just stuff that goes thru my head.

This is not what I had expected, nor what I had hoped for. I thought he would go into recovery and work on his issues, I would go into recovery and work on my issues, and we would come out happier and stronger for it. It seems that even this is causing more problems. And my inner child just wants to run away. Somedays I think I should give into her.

SparkleKitty

Try not to worry too much about what-if's ("future-tripping") if you can -- though I know how hard it is. Keep the focus on the right now as much as you can. Sending you strength.

MsPINKAcres

Just throwing out a suggestion ~ maybe when your AH is calm and it is an appropriate time for a discussion ~
Maybe you could mention that now your household is a "recovery" household that is the goal of everyone to act responsibly and in a healthier manner. That colorful vocabulary and physical abuse of the home is really not acceptable behavior any longer. Maybe say you understand he was upset at the time, but you would appreciate if he would try to not demostrate that behavior in front of you or the children any more.

Just my e, s, & h - as I was growing in my recovery, I learned that I could set boundaries and limitations about being around angry people and not tolerate those outburst.
You may find your own way and words to say this if these outburst bother you and find that it may help you home life to be more calm and serene for you and your children ~

wishing you & your family the best
PINK HUGS!

fluffyflea

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No, you aren,t doing it wrong. He,s reacting this way because you are doing it right.

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