Sistina

I don't know where to start. I am a wreck. Mentally and physically I have let myself "go". I am a shadow of once I once was and I feel as though there is nothing I can do. I have been with my partner for over 6 years and he has become an out of control, destructive binge drinker.
I really have no outlet to express feelings. I have burned bridges and lost friends to my partner's drinking. I guess I can tell you a little bit of myself and history....
I was young and got married but it ended in an agreed divorce, it was for the best and we wanted different things out of life. I moved to a different city to pursue my own life. I had an apartment, a job and friends. 6 months later is when I met him. He was attractive, fun, intelligent, creative, we had alot in common, I found him irresistable. We went out from time to time and he never showed any signs of being an alcoholic. I thought he was like me, just wanting to go out and have a good time. But after awhile he only wanted me around if I could supply alcohol, and for some dumb reason I was hooked on him. I sold alot of things to buy him beer, and everntually wracked up credit cards to this day my credit suffers. Also he was getting verbally abusive and he did not like the fact I had a "life" with out him. Being the person I am (was) I decided to part ways and we did...for awhile.
I countinued to live my life but I admit I still cared about him. He was great when he wasn't drinking. Months later we started to talk again, he was Sobor and had been for some time. I was cautious. I supported his decision to better himself but stayed a distance away. After awhile the relationship started again, and it was like night and day. He was moving to another state to help out his family construction buisness. After he moved he still stayed sober! I visited him for a week and he missed me so much and wanted everything to change. I ended up moving to his place. I gave up a very well to do salary job, a very posh apartment and alot of things I couldnt take with me.
It was great...at first. But he started hanging out with other drinking guys and the nightmare started. I couldnt find a job. I was 1000 miles away from my family. The money ran out. He would drink and drink and drink and pass out in his food, or urinate on himself. He pushed me around. accused me of cheating. Threw all my things outside. By this time I was just a shell of who I use to be.
I called my family and they devised a plan to help me. They set me up with an apartment and a job. I never told them the story of what happened...they just thought it was because the economy was bad. I cant believe what I did next, I asked my partner to come with. Thinking a change would help.
So the cycle started all over again.
Him being sobor, great, an awsome person!
But I lost my job due to constraints. He was working full time. Jobs here are limited too! Interview after interview after interview. But no luck.
His drinking started again, but worse. ALOT worse. Blows his money on beer, vocally abusive, threatning, un-affectionate, lies to me, his friends and everyone. Makes up stories to make himself look better. Tell people I am a nagging b****, accuses me of cheating,admidted he wants to cheat, destroys the apartment, almost burned down the kitchen, gets angry at anything, and the whole time it's been MY fault. If I kept my mouth shut and had a better attitude then everything would be okay!!!!
My spirit is broken. I have NO self-esteem. I am not independant anymore. I have no income, I have no assests, I gave up everything.....and for what? I don't want to live this way. I wish he would stop but I know he won't. It hurts...oh it hurts.
I feel so stupid.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I don't think you are stupid. I think your story is similar to mine.

I married my alcoholic. He was handsome, charming, kind and funny. And then he eventually became a handsome, charming, lying and angry man.

You are not alone. This is a wonderful place to share your thoughts. This is a place of support and encouragement, so pull up a keyboard and make yourself at home!

OnawaMiniya

Oh, don't feel stupid. You are human. All you can do is move forward from this moment on. I'm fairly new to this forum myself and everyone has been really kind and warm. This is a great place to read about others, to get things out of your head, and get great feedback or some support.

Peace.

honeypig

Sistina, welcome, and glad you found SR. Many here have a lot of experience, strength and hope to share. I know it has helped me greatly and hope you find the same.

I'd like to suggest that you get to an Alanon meeting ASAP--you'll learn a lot and find a great support system. No one will make you talk or do anything you don't want to, but you will find a lot of very caring folks who have been in your shoes and want to help you find your way forward.

I'm sorry you find yourself in such a bad situation, but you are NOT alone, and while you may feel "broken" right now, you can definitely heal and be stronger than you ever thought possible.

Wishing you peace and clarity today.

luvcaitlin

Sistina, You are not stupid & your story is similar to mine although I have been married to an alcoholic for 17 years years. I get accused of cheating, going to the bars etc, none of which are true. I also get the blame for his drinking so much. If I wouldn't nag so much about it, he wouldn't want to drink so much. Like you, I feel I am not the same person I used to be. I used to be independent as well. I had self esteem and was happy. I was all this before and even during a good portion of our marriage but in the last several years that has all changed. We both have good jobs but are in financial crisis. He spends at least $450 a month in beer so that really hurts.... with that being said, though it is easier said then done, get out of this relationship as soon as possible. I know not having a job makes it extremely difficult, but it can be done. Maybe contact your family and let them know what you have been going through and see if they can help you once again. Maybe move in with your family so you can try to find work and save some money to get your own place. Don't waste anymore time with this man. Do this for yourself so you can get back to the person you used to be. It won't be instant, but getting away from him is the first and most important step. You can do this!

Sistina

Thank you so much for your support and kind words. It's not easy, and as I am reading more posts.... I am realizing that there are so many out there like me. People who are afraid and broken.

It seems like my partner fits the mold of an alcoholic. I wish I could go back in time and not fall in love with him. It's so hard.

Today he took my car to go to the bar and waited 45 minutes outside until they opened because he "ran out" In his spending spree this weekend he spent nearly all the rent money for his addiction.

I am looking into Alanon and sent an email requesting more info and locations.
I need NEED the strength to move on.

dandylion

Dear Sistina, just put one foot forward and the courage arrives. It just does. One foot at a time;one day at a time.

You are not alone. you will get through this.

dandylion

Boon44

Hi, our stories sound very similar. 7 years with my exabf, broken up now over a month. Not going to lie, it's very hard everyday but so was living with him, not knowing what to expect. He was also a binge drinker. I can tell you I had access to more resources than you & it was/is still difficult but listen to everyone here on this forum, they've been through it and for those of us still in the midst of it all having this kind of support 24/7 is invaluable. I also kept it a secret from friends , family, even my therapist.... Yea go figure...denial runs deep, until the whole thing blew up & while worried they were not angry but understood & want to help. Surround yourself by people that love you...post here as well this community is pretty amazing!

OnawaMiniya

I believe that when you become ready for certain things, doors open. As long as you make the effort to get yourself where you need to be in order to move on, doors will begin to open. You said you wish you could go back in time and not fall in love with him. I'm guilty of similar... I moved across the country to marry this guy and sometimes I beat myself up for it. But, ultimately, I can't change the past. I'm learning to pick myself up, and look forward. I'm trying. I'm not perfect.

I am realizing that is easier to focus on individual goals than it is to look at the whole picture and feel overwhelmed. Meeting a bunch of individual goals will get me where I need to be. So that makes it easier for me. Maybe that will help you too.

Hope you have a pleasant evening. You can do this. Peace.

Seren

Hello Sistina,

There is hope....for you.

Even though you may not believe it right now, you do deserve a peaceful and joyous life!

You can do this!

sunnshinegirl

Sistina, you are not stupid. I recognize myself in a lot of what you posted. I've also let myself go physically. It's very difficult dealing with so much stress. What's helped me is just breaking everything down into small steps - one thing at a time so I don't get overwhelmed by all of it. Have you thought about joining Al-Anon? And everyone here on the board is amazing. We are all here to support you.

Sistina

Today I recieved an email from one of the sponsers with Al-anon. The bad news was that the closest meeting(s) take place over 2 hours away. Traveling to such an event is not going to be a possibility for me

They suggested the Electronic meetings? Maybe that would help. I was hoping to attend myself.

This site has made me feel a little better and I need to get my self esteem back so I can make the right choices.

Recovering2

Get the book CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie. It's a GREAT book that will help you. She also has a book called "The Language of Letting Go" which is an amazing daily read. You are NOT alone in this. I learned that alcoholism is a "contagious" disease, meaning those of us who are close to the A become as ill as they do. It is also a progressive disease, so you haven't seen the worst of him yet. There is nothing you can do to change his path, it is his decision. But you CAN decide what you want moving forward. It is possible to come out of this with hope and serenity. It is possible.

Don't beat yourself up over past decisions. We learn in AlAnon it's okay to look back...just don't stare. Decide from this place, today, what you want....and start taking one step at a time in that direction. Keep posting and reading here, there is a lot of support from all of us who have walked in your shoes. (((HUGS)))