Father's Day?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 109
Father's Day?
As Father's Day approaches, I wonder how to handle things with my kids' alcoholic father. We are nearing the end of the divorce. I have a protection order that states that all visitation is at my discretion. (The judge originally denied the protection order, but then called me over to talk about it and changed his mind--score 1 for moi!). Anyway, visitation is limited to supervised visits on the weekend through an agency called Home to Home. They provide the supervision, and visits take place at a nice new hospital in town (it's about as nice as it gets, for hospitals: lots of patios and walking trails, etc.).
My ex and I are about as no contact as can be considering we have 3 young children. We text occasionally and keep it all business. It has been so great for my recovery from the madness of last year. However, I feel slightly compelled to make Father's Day special. Should I offer to supervise a trip to an ice cream shop and playground? Or is that just sending mixed messages and creating an opening for drama?
What are you other Moms in my situation doing? Thanks in advance for your wisdom! ~ B
My ex and I are about as no contact as can be considering we have 3 young children. We text occasionally and keep it all business. It has been so great for my recovery from the madness of last year. However, I feel slightly compelled to make Father's Day special. Should I offer to supervise a trip to an ice cream shop and playground? Or is that just sending mixed messages and creating an opening for drama?
What are you other Moms in my situation doing? Thanks in advance for your wisdom! ~ B
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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My advice would be to NOT under any circumstances deviate from the agreement, because it can be held against you later.
If the agency can't supervise a visit that day, have the kids send him a card and leave it at that.
I can tell you that my children asked me if they have to send him a card. I told them it was up to them. They decided against it.
If the agency can't supervise a visit that day, have the kids send him a card and leave it at that.
I can tell you that my children asked me if they have to send him a card. I told them it was up to them. They decided against it.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Dear BtheChange, My children are no longer young, but my husband was verrry difficult and he made sure that no good deed on my part went unpunished! Thus, I tend to agree with lilliamy--for the reasons she stated. I guess, if I were still in your shoes, I would support them making him a card or some special artwork or help them select a gift--something special.
dandylion
dandylion
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
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Bchange, Why don't you just give them some paper and let them make a card? I don't like the idea of him knowing that YOU put effort into the gift.
I think that is sending mixed signals. I really do, but maybe that's just me.
I think that is sending mixed signals. I really do, but maybe that's just me.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Oh, I now see that the oldest is 8yrs. So the other is younger. Their little hearts are still so pure at these ages. They are still in the stage of total idolization of the parents. They get beyond excited at doing anything like this. These experiences are very important for them--they remember them always. My adult children talk about such events from their childhood (like making their own christmas gifts for giving). My kids remember everylittle thing they did on visits with their dad--as if they were trips to disneyworld. And he was such a class-A jerk. go figure.
dandylion
dandylion
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
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Aaahhhh yes...the annual father's day dilemma. I know it well 
I've been wrestling with this holiday for years now. Each year I debated and analyzed and tried to come up with just the right way to handle it. I wanted to find a way that would allow my son the opportunity to mark the occassion in a way that didn't in any way serve as an invitation to the alcoholic that he could slither his way back into our daily lives. (Sorry, I know slither is a harsh word...its just the word that comes to mind and seems to fit). The funny thing is...the alcoholic will take whatever gesture is made and interpret it in any fashion that suits them whether there is any meaning or intention to it at all. A card that said 'go away creep' could have easily been interpreted by him to mean 'please come over for dinner'.
In hindsight, I wish I had just simply asked my son what he wanted to do (if anything) to mark the occassion. If young kids want to do something, I would think a hand made card would do the job nicely. I think it's us adults who try to overanalyze and overcompensate for this holiday.
I'm glad father's day comes just once a year. It's a loaded holiday, that's for sure.
Hugs...
Mary
I've been wrestling with this holiday for years now. Each year I debated and analyzed and tried to come up with just the right way to handle it. I wanted to find a way that would allow my son the opportunity to mark the occassion in a way that didn't in any way serve as an invitation to the alcoholic that he could slither his way back into our daily lives. (Sorry, I know slither is a harsh word...its just the word that comes to mind and seems to fit). The funny thing is...the alcoholic will take whatever gesture is made and interpret it in any fashion that suits them whether there is any meaning or intention to it at all. A card that said 'go away creep' could have easily been interpreted by him to mean 'please come over for dinner'.
In hindsight, I wish I had just simply asked my son what he wanted to do (if anything) to mark the occassion. If young kids want to do something, I would think a hand made card would do the job nicely. I think it's us adults who try to overanalyze and overcompensate for this holiday.
I'm glad father's day comes just once a year. It's a loaded holiday, that's for sure.
Hugs...
Mary
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 109
Stella27, I think you are right about not sending mixed messages. I have to be careful with that...
Dandylion and Mary, I too think it's still important to let it be a happy day for the kids and to help them express their love. Their dad doesn't liked "cooked fruit" so I guess a pie probably isn't the best option. I think we'll make brownies instead. The 8 yo has a nice pottery piece he made and the little ones will make cards and maybe some origami things as gifts. And I'll go for a run or get a cup of coffee on my rare 1 hour break!
Thanks so much for the support everyone.
Dandylion and Mary, I too think it's still important to let it be a happy day for the kids and to help them express their love. Their dad doesn't liked "cooked fruit" so I guess a pie probably isn't the best option. I think we'll make brownies instead. The 8 yo has a nice pottery piece he made and the little ones will make cards and maybe some origami things as gifts. And I'll go for a run or get a cup of coffee on my rare 1 hour break!
Thanks so much for the support everyone.
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by lillamy 
My advice would be to NOT under any circumstances deviate from the agreement, because it can be held against you later.
He dropped the ball as a Father, not you.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
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For my ex, I don't do anything for him for Father's Day. DS13 goes over there to visit that day, but I do not put a gift or a card in his hand. I will do the same with the baby.
For Mother's Day, my STBXAH almost never recognized me on that day. For several years, he conveniently relapsed and left me alone, wondering if he was dead on Mother's Day. The last time he did that I was pregnant. This year he handed me a bird feeder out of the back of his car. It's nice, I guess, but I certainly didn't expect it.
I feel like my relationship with my kids is mine, and it's the result of what I've nurtured in our relationship. In this case I've been idiot enough to have kids with two emotionally stunted men, and I can't be responsible for sowing the seeds of a good relationship in salted earth. They are free to exercise their parenting time, and I will not stand in their way barring exceptional circumstances. But really, spending some time with your children is gift enough. I can't be expected to provide tokens of love on their behalf after everything between us. I don't know if that sounds bitter or not. If they do something for him, it will be a craft we did together, and not because I have any feelings or expectations involved, but because I like to craft with my kids, it's easy and cheap, and it's no skin off my teeth. I will not bend over backwards to make his day special. It's not my job anymore, and he's a grown man.
Conveniently, a lot of schools have the kids craft something for these days. Send the latest clay ashtray or handprint painting in lieu of something else more time consuming and expensive. Brownies aren't bad, but do them because of your children, because you love to cook together, and because everyone gets to lick a spoon, and you're making memories. Have zero expectations that he will like, acknowledge, or appreciate your effort. None.
For Mother's Day, my STBXAH almost never recognized me on that day. For several years, he conveniently relapsed and left me alone, wondering if he was dead on Mother's Day. The last time he did that I was pregnant. This year he handed me a bird feeder out of the back of his car. It's nice, I guess, but I certainly didn't expect it.
I feel like my relationship with my kids is mine, and it's the result of what I've nurtured in our relationship. In this case I've been idiot enough to have kids with two emotionally stunted men, and I can't be responsible for sowing the seeds of a good relationship in salted earth. They are free to exercise their parenting time, and I will not stand in their way barring exceptional circumstances. But really, spending some time with your children is gift enough. I can't be expected to provide tokens of love on their behalf after everything between us. I don't know if that sounds bitter or not. If they do something for him, it will be a craft we did together, and not because I have any feelings or expectations involved, but because I like to craft with my kids, it's easy and cheap, and it's no skin off my teeth. I will not bend over backwards to make his day special. It's not my job anymore, and he's a grown man.
Conveniently, a lot of schools have the kids craft something for these days. Send the latest clay ashtray or handprint painting in lieu of something else more time consuming and expensive. Brownies aren't bad, but do them because of your children, because you love to cook together, and because everyone gets to lick a spoon, and you're making memories. Have zero expectations that he will like, acknowledge, or appreciate your effort. None.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: southern IN
Posts: 121
I have wondered about this as well. With my STBXAH, our son is under a year old, so this is technically his first fathers day. We are in the middle of a nasty divorce and the court looks highly on civil gestures regarding the kids, so I had a card printed for him for fathers day from the boys with pics of him and our son and ultrasound pics for the unborn guy on the front. We also have a PO that only allows contact for the kids and he has supervised visits only, so I plan to hand it off in front of the supervisor and wish him a happy day at the exchange. Score one in her report to the court 
If it weren't for the divorce game I would be doing nothing though.....ask yourself this? The thought you are putting into him for fathers day, did he put the same thought into you for mothers day?
If it weren't for the divorce game I would be doing nothing though.....ask yourself this? The thought you are putting into him for fathers day, did he put the same thought into you for mothers day?
My emotional baggage
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 285
Ewwww, Father's Day is a big Ol' booby trap. I hate it because if I get involved not only may my ex think I am thinking of him but the kids get confused and think I still care and start getting their hopes up.
I agree with all the other posters, stick to the parenting plan. Keep it simple.
4MyBoys
I agree with all the other posters, stick to the parenting plan. Keep it simple.
4MyBoys
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