bexxed

I was reading someone's "reasons for not drinking" online this morning and something struck me. When I think of all of the fun times I've had in my life, and I mean, really fun times- the things that define the me that is poking out in sobriety- none of them were when I was drinking.

I play guitar. When I drink, I quickly lose the dexterity in my fingers. All of the fun times playing guitar have been done sober.

I love exercise, yoga, kayaking, river rafting, paddle boarding, canoeing, tubing, skiing, sledding, ice skating, mountain biking, road biking, hiking, etc. All of these things are most fun (and safe) done sober.

The random fun times I've had with my actual real and true friends: all done sober. Those moments that you will never forget, when you laughed so hard, so honestly, that you felt the next day like you'd gone to the gym and done an ab workout.

All time spent with my sisters and nieces and nephews. Sober.

When I think of all of the times I have been drinking, all of those many memories, and the memories I don't remember anymore, or the memories I never remembered, there is a desperate quality to that laughter. Alcohol numbs me from actual experience. It's an effective coping mechanism for a person who, when she started drinking alcoholically, just COULD NOT DEAL with anything around her, inside her.

I feel so different now. It's still so hard, but realizing I'm not backed against a wall is actually wonderful. All I have to do is throw away something that was making me miserable. It's hard to deal, I know there's a reason I numbed myself, but that purgatory I stick myself in is harder.

Anyway, for a lot of people, this may seem elementary, and I know that since I don't have some of the issues others do (PAWS, rock bottom, etc) it may seem kind of Pollyanna, but for me, today, it was a little mind blower.

Have a great day everyone.

Bexxed

Nuudawn

I agree with you Bexxed. The best moments of my life did not include alcohol and I have a pretty strong feeling booze ruined many moments that potentially might have been.

hypochondriac

I don't think this is elementary for many of us at all. If nothing else I am sure that many of us have used the excuse that drinking was what people did for fun therefore we couldn't stop doing it. But you are absolutely right, and it was a revelation for me too. One thing I thought when sober (typical AV stuff) was that I still did the same stuff I did sober as I did when I was drinking, watching films, reading books, playing music etc, and I tried to use that as an excuse for drinking, like my life hasn't changed so I may as well drink as well as doing all those things I enjoy. But I had just temporarily forgot that I couldn't read much when I was drinking because I could rarely focus on the page. I had a narrow window when I was still sober enough and I usually missed it anyway. Sometimes when I am playing music too I get this adrenaline rush and I start thinking that I had more energy when I was drinking. But the truth is I feel exactly the same playing drunk as I do sober but there is this residual guilt when I get an adrenaline rush playing sober because it reminds me of being drunk. But I could never play if I had a drinking session before I started (that whole finger dexterity thing). I was fine if I started playing and drinking at the same time but again, I had this window, after a certain amount of alcohol it all started going downhill. It is interesting the lies we tell ourselves about how alcohol relates to our other activities. I see now that all drinking did was hinder me.

SnwFlower

Thanks for posting this Bexxed! What a fantastic reminder! All of it is so true in my life as well. Experiencing life sober now is the closest thing to my pure fun and joyful experiences like I had as a child ...and I love it.

Dee74

D

least

Thank you for your post.

Hevyn

Love it, bexxed. How I wish I hadn't spent so much time numb, foggy, and phoning it in. Honestly thought I was helping myself cope, but just made everything impossible to deal with. Thanks for sharing those thoughts with us - very good stuff.