Realization
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 68
Realization
Probably most of you will understand the time it takes to realize that you're living with an alcoholic. I've been with my husband for 19 years and at 36 and with one 18 month old son and another child on the way....the penny has finally dropped!!
Me...I am living with an alcoholic....me?...really?
Unfortunately yes.
I have been reading on here and other sites and internet searching alcohol related issues for the last 6 months intently.
New years day he let rip really big and was wasted by 11am. He made a huge breakfast (he always wastes food...he just can't eat it all but he always does huge portions especially when he's drunk) and started calling me a moron in front of my son. I got up scraped the food into the bin and started packing a bag to get out of there. He was telling me to f*** off and telling that I was a c***. All the while holding our beautiful innocent boy in his arms.
I took our child and went to his sisters house and waited for her to come back. In the time it took her to come back I got a call from our landlord telling me that the neighbours were complaining of very loud music coming from our home....that's something else he does...play music so insanely loud that you think your head is going to burst. Always aggressive music like punk or rap.
He passed out and came round to his sisters house the following day bursting in calling me a c*** and trying to pull our child out of my arms. His sister got the same treatment being called a c*** and told that she stinks and pulling and pushing her around.
Something broke in me that day.
Since then I've been saving and planning my escape.
I've read so many posts that say, I love him but he's killing himself.
I don't love him any more, many days I hate him, most days he makes me feel sick with the smell of alcohol, his self pity and his disgusting habits.
I plan to be gone by the end of the year.
We're self-employed and I am trying to amass enough money that I can survive for 6 months or so without having to work so I can take care of my babies.
My parents live in another country and I want to return there so I can have some support....thats been missing a long time...people get sick of your inability to make a change thats so obvious to them.
When I left on New Years Day I had zero money in the bank or in my purse...he keeps it all and I'm dammed if he's going to leave my kids with nothing.
I'm using homeopathy to help me to get through this because I feel like I've got a split personality, making nice on the outside....seething on the inside.
We had to put our beautiful dog down on Saturday and it's triggered a binge for him...he's devastated and drunk.
I've lost my brother and my sister in the last 2 years ...he was full of advice on how to get over it and to stop dwelling. I have obviously become hardened to grief because although it was torturous making the decision to let her our dog go. I am coping much better than he is.
Pity party central. In a way I'm glad she's out of the situation now, she felt the consequences of his drinking on many occasions. He left tied up outside a shop for a couple of hours, she was in the house when he smashed the kitchen table up with an axe, he left the front door open and she was left wandering on the street and the worst was he gave her a haircut while drunk and cut her with the scissors....right down to the muscle. And now he's crying over her grave with a beercan in his hand.
Did I mention that he's a habitual dope smoker too?
I'll be back, it feels so good to get this stuff off my chest.
Me...I am living with an alcoholic....me?...really?
Unfortunately yes.
I have been reading on here and other sites and internet searching alcohol related issues for the last 6 months intently.
New years day he let rip really big and was wasted by 11am. He made a huge breakfast (he always wastes food...he just can't eat it all but he always does huge portions especially when he's drunk) and started calling me a moron in front of my son. I got up scraped the food into the bin and started packing a bag to get out of there. He was telling me to f*** off and telling that I was a c***. All the while holding our beautiful innocent boy in his arms.
I took our child and went to his sisters house and waited for her to come back. In the time it took her to come back I got a call from our landlord telling me that the neighbours were complaining of very loud music coming from our home....that's something else he does...play music so insanely loud that you think your head is going to burst. Always aggressive music like punk or rap.
He passed out and came round to his sisters house the following day bursting in calling me a c*** and trying to pull our child out of my arms. His sister got the same treatment being called a c*** and told that she stinks and pulling and pushing her around.
Something broke in me that day.
Since then I've been saving and planning my escape.
I've read so many posts that say, I love him but he's killing himself.
I don't love him any more, many days I hate him, most days he makes me feel sick with the smell of alcohol, his self pity and his disgusting habits.
I plan to be gone by the end of the year.
We're self-employed and I am trying to amass enough money that I can survive for 6 months or so without having to work so I can take care of my babies.
My parents live in another country and I want to return there so I can have some support....thats been missing a long time...people get sick of your inability to make a change thats so obvious to them.
When I left on New Years Day I had zero money in the bank or in my purse...he keeps it all and I'm dammed if he's going to leave my kids with nothing.
I'm using homeopathy to help me to get through this because I feel like I've got a split personality, making nice on the outside....seething on the inside.
We had to put our beautiful dog down on Saturday and it's triggered a binge for him...he's devastated and drunk.
I've lost my brother and my sister in the last 2 years ...he was full of advice on how to get over it and to stop dwelling. I have obviously become hardened to grief because although it was torturous making the decision to let her our dog go. I am coping much better than he is.
Pity party central. In a way I'm glad she's out of the situation now, she felt the consequences of his drinking on many occasions. He left tied up outside a shop for a couple of hours, she was in the house when he smashed the kitchen table up with an axe, he left the front door open and she was left wandering on the street and the worst was he gave her a haircut while drunk and cut her with the scissors....right down to the muscle. And now he's crying over her grave with a beercan in his hand.
Did I mention that he's a habitual dope smoker too?
I'll be back, it feels so good to get this stuff off my chest.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Queensland, Australia
Posts: 115
I totally agree with LiveorDie, don't wait, get out of there now.
Go to a women's shelter if you have to, it is not good for your son to be exposed to that kind of behaviour. Think of how frightening this is for him.
Go to a women's shelter if you have to, it is not good for your son to be exposed to that kind of behaviour. Think of how frightening this is for him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 68
Thank you for your replies.
We are not exposed to that level of behaviour all the time. It was that incident which clarified for me that I am living with someone who is not in control of his drinking and helped me make the decision to leave. Believe it or not I have a Masters in Social Work (guess who's got rescuer issues!!) so I know about all the services available to me. Unfortunately I also know about the theories behind addictive behaviours and have been taught to see the person and not just the behaviour. I have been so confused about my role in this relationship for so long but New Years Day clarified for me....no matter how many times he says he's not an alcoholic he just "drinks a bit too much" (a bit!!) and in fact "most people" drink like him (!!!!) and I'm just "nagging" anyway (whatever). I know that he has got a problem and he isn't going to change.
Before we ever had kids I've left him and kicked him out and managed to keep him out and stay away for a short amount of time but each time he managed to worm his way back in. He always tries to make it my fault that I left...I was abandoned him....how can he trust me (?). He's still working on New Years Day....I shouldn't have gone to his sisters house, I should've gone and sat in the caravan with our then 12 month old son...is he for real!!
Since New Years Day there have been two big outbursts but both started by me not being able to hold my anger at him in. He hates being challenged about his drinking.....even when he locks me and my son out and leaves the keys in the door while he's passed out (I was so angry then I couldn't contain myself)
There is no physical violence but he has a horrible tongue and he does behave in ways towards me that I feel are like Domestic abuse. But like everyone else on here its a real Jekyll and Hyde scenario. The difference is for me that on days when he's being nice I don't think "Oh I love THIS guy" I just don't love him. I tolerate him and I plan my escape slowly siphoning cash when I can so that I will be able to provide for my children when I go, because they are going to need me with them every second I can be so that they can feel secure, especially my little boy who is going to miss his Daddy.
So thank you for your concern and I am not being ungrateful. I've been here for such a long time I can read the signs of when things are going bad and I leave till its over (I haven't had to do that since New Years Day).
When I go it's going to be a massive drama but I plan to wait til he's wasted then take a few days to get to my intended destination so that if he goes straight there we're not there. I have thought of women's shelters because then he wouldn't be able to find me but I'm still not sure.
I would love to leave sooner but I need to be practical too.
I'd love to hear from people who've taken this step.
I am pretty resilient and have grown stronger over the years. I am not afraid of him any more but instead feel as though I have got some power in my life.......each time he explains why his circumstances are exceptional and tells me not to worry that he is trying and that his family are the most important thing in the world to him, inside I'm thinking (whatever!!!)
We are not exposed to that level of behaviour all the time. It was that incident which clarified for me that I am living with someone who is not in control of his drinking and helped me make the decision to leave. Believe it or not I have a Masters in Social Work (guess who's got rescuer issues!!) so I know about all the services available to me. Unfortunately I also know about the theories behind addictive behaviours and have been taught to see the person and not just the behaviour. I have been so confused about my role in this relationship for so long but New Years Day clarified for me....no matter how many times he says he's not an alcoholic he just "drinks a bit too much" (a bit!!) and in fact "most people" drink like him (!!!!) and I'm just "nagging" anyway (whatever). I know that he has got a problem and he isn't going to change.
Before we ever had kids I've left him and kicked him out and managed to keep him out and stay away for a short amount of time but each time he managed to worm his way back in. He always tries to make it my fault that I left...I was abandoned him....how can he trust me (?). He's still working on New Years Day....I shouldn't have gone to his sisters house, I should've gone and sat in the caravan with our then 12 month old son...is he for real!!
Since New Years Day there have been two big outbursts but both started by me not being able to hold my anger at him in. He hates being challenged about his drinking.....even when he locks me and my son out and leaves the keys in the door while he's passed out (I was so angry then I couldn't contain myself)
There is no physical violence but he has a horrible tongue and he does behave in ways towards me that I feel are like Domestic abuse. But like everyone else on here its a real Jekyll and Hyde scenario. The difference is for me that on days when he's being nice I don't think "Oh I love THIS guy" I just don't love him. I tolerate him and I plan my escape slowly siphoning cash when I can so that I will be able to provide for my children when I go, because they are going to need me with them every second I can be so that they can feel secure, especially my little boy who is going to miss his Daddy.
So thank you for your concern and I am not being ungrateful. I've been here for such a long time I can read the signs of when things are going bad and I leave till its over (I haven't had to do that since New Years Day).
When I go it's going to be a massive drama but I plan to wait til he's wasted then take a few days to get to my intended destination so that if he goes straight there we're not there. I have thought of women's shelters because then he wouldn't be able to find me but I'm still not sure.
I would love to leave sooner but I need to be practical too.
I'd love to hear from people who've taken this step.
I am pretty resilient and have grown stronger over the years. I am not afraid of him any more but instead feel as though I have got some power in my life.......each time he explains why his circumstances are exceptional and tells me not to worry that he is trying and that his family are the most important thing in the world to him, inside I'm thinking (whatever!!!)
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: North East, US
Posts: 2,310
Java my heart goes out to you. Plain and simple alcoholism SUCKS. You don't deserve any of this. You have every right and should most definitely leave. I tend to agree with you methodical plan on banking money to make a swift exit. Especially with the fact you're pregnant. You can never save him or make him change. Yes you can be supportive and lead him I bathe right direction but this is all on him.
The fact that you don't look at him loving anymore is to be expected who could. You are absolutely doing the right thing for your children for yourself and for him by leaving. No child should here their mommy called a c***.... Especially by their daddy
Could you reach out to your parents to help you financially move to where they are?
The fact that you don't look at him loving anymore is to be expected who could. You are absolutely doing the right thing for your children for yourself and for him by leaving. No child should here their mommy called a c***.... Especially by their daddy
Could you reach out to your parents to help you financially move to where they are?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Java, want to echo what others have said--you need to protect yourself and your child above all else. Maybe you aren't exposed to that level of behavior all the time, but it only takes ONCE for you or your child to end up seriously injured or worse, and it's not like you'll have warning of when that's going to happen. Alcoholism is a progressive disease; he WILL get worse, and you have no way of knowing how slowly or quickly that will happen.
I would suggest reading/posting in this section of the forum Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information for the most responses. There have been others there recently w/domestic violence issues and they have received a lot of good information. Also don't miss the stickies at the top of the page, particularly this one
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
If you haven't gone to an Alanon meeting, I would strongly suggest it; if you can't get to a face-to-face meeting (which I think would be best at this point), be aware that you can find online and telephone meetings also. Also, do keep reading and posting here.
Again, protect yourself and your child above all else.
I would suggest reading/posting in this section of the forum Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information for the most responses. There have been others there recently w/domestic violence issues and they have received a lot of good information. Also don't miss the stickies at the top of the page, particularly this one
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
If you haven't gone to an Alanon meeting, I would strongly suggest it; if you can't get to a face-to-face meeting (which I think would be best at this point), be aware that you can find online and telephone meetings also. Also, do keep reading and posting here.
Again, protect yourself and your child above all else.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 68
Thanks for your support.
Honestly thank you so much for your input. I have twisted and turned myself so much to fit into his crazy world for so long I know I will have lost perspective so I accept your words of wisdom with gratitude.
I am trying to remain calm and to be methodical about it all. I would love to go to an Al-Anon meeting , can I bring my child though? There is one at 11am in a local town which I could go to but I have no-one to leave him with and he's got separation anxiety so probably wouldn't stay with anyone anyway. All the other nearby meetings are at his bedtime. On-line would be good.
My son's safety comes above all else to me and mine too, because without me who protects him?
I don't really want to say where my parents live because I'm afraid that I might be identified but it's a short plane journey or ferry crossing. We'd be at their home within a day.
I'm determined to do this and you're so right my son should never hear his mother called that name by anyone. I will make it so xxxx
I am trying to remain calm and to be methodical about it all. I would love to go to an Al-Anon meeting , can I bring my child though? There is one at 11am in a local town which I could go to but I have no-one to leave him with and he's got separation anxiety so probably wouldn't stay with anyone anyway. All the other nearby meetings are at his bedtime. On-line would be good.
My son's safety comes above all else to me and mine too, because without me who protects him?
I don't really want to say where my parents live because I'm afraid that I might be identified but it's a short plane journey or ferry crossing. We'd be at their home within a day.
I'm determined to do this and you're so right my son should never hear his mother called that name by anyone. I will make it so xxxx
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Java, you are smart to not give identifying info on this site, where he could possibly locate you.
Most of the Alanon meetings I have been to do offer child care; some ask for a donation of a dollar or so for the service. If you have concerns about needing to take your child into the meeting due to separation anxiety, there is usually a contact person's name given for each meeting. You could call or email them, explain the situation and see what can be done. Alanon folk are generally extremely supportive and understanding, so I wouldn't be too worried about not being allowed to have your child in the meeting this time. As a newcomer, all efforts will be bent on making sure you feel welcome.
Here is a link for Alanon online chat Al-Anon Chat Meetings -- Online Al-Anon Family Groups Chat Meetings
Here is a link for Alanon telephone meetings Al-Anon Internet Telephony Meetings -- Online Al-Anon Family Groups Internet Telephony Meetings
Here is a link for email meetings Email Meetings -- Online Al-Anon Family Groups Email Meetings
You can do this, and you are NOT alone!!
Most of the Alanon meetings I have been to do offer child care; some ask for a donation of a dollar or so for the service. If you have concerns about needing to take your child into the meeting due to separation anxiety, there is usually a contact person's name given for each meeting. You could call or email them, explain the situation and see what can be done. Alanon folk are generally extremely supportive and understanding, so I wouldn't be too worried about not being allowed to have your child in the meeting this time. As a newcomer, all efforts will be bent on making sure you feel welcome.
Here is a link for Alanon online chat Al-Anon Chat Meetings -- Online Al-Anon Family Groups Chat Meetings
Here is a link for Alanon telephone meetings Al-Anon Internet Telephony Meetings -- Online Al-Anon Family Groups Internet Telephony Meetings
Here is a link for email meetings Email Meetings -- Online Al-Anon Family Groups Email Meetings
You can do this, and you are NOT alone!!
Nothing is impossible!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: EAGAN
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by Javajoetoes 
Probably most of you will understand the time it takes to realize that you're living with an alcoholic. I've been with my husband for 19 years and at 36 and with one 18 month old son and another child on the way....the penny has finally dropped!!
Me...I am living with an alcoholic....me?...really?
Unfortunately yes.
I have been reading on here and other sites and internet searching alcohol related issues for the last 6 months intently.
New years day he let rip really big and was wasted by 11am. He made a huge breakfast (he always wastes food...he just can't eat it all but he always does huge portions especially when he's drunk) and started calling me a moron in front of my son. I got up scraped the food into the bin and started packing a bag to get out of there. He was telling me to f*** off and telling that I was a c***. All the while holding our beautiful innocent boy in his arms.
I took our child and went to his sisters house and waited for her to come back. In the time it took her to come back I got a call from our landlord telling me that the neighbours were complaining of very loud music coming from our home....that's something else he does...play music so insanely loud that you think your head is going to burst. Always aggressive music like punk or rap.
He passed out and came round to his sisters house the following day bursting in calling me a c*** and trying to pull our child out of my arms. His sister got the same treatment being called a c*** and told that she stinks and pulling and pushing her around.
Something broke in me that day.
Since then I've been saving and planning my escape.
I've read so many posts that say, I love him but he's killing himself.
I don't love him any more, many days I hate him, most days he makes me feel sick with the smell of alcohol, his self pity and his disgusting habits.
I plan to be gone by the end of the year.
We're self-employed and I am trying to amass enough money that I can survive for 6 months or so without having to work so I can take care of my babies.
My parents live in another country and I want to return there so I can have some support....thats been missing a long time...people get sick of your inability to make a change thats so obvious to them.
When I left on New Years Day I had zero money in the bank or in my purse...he keeps it all and I'm dammed if he's going to leave my kids with nothing.
I'm using homeopathy to help me to get through this because I feel like I've got a split personality, making nice on the outside....seething on the inside.
We had to put our beautiful dog down on Saturday and it's triggered a binge for him...he's devastated and drunk.
I've lost my brother and my sister in the last 2 years ...he was full of advice on how to get over it and to stop dwelling. I have obviously become hardened to grief because although it was torturous making the decision to let her our dog go. I am coping much better than he is.
Pity party central. In a way I'm glad she's out of the situation now, she felt the consequences of his drinking on many occasions. He left tied up outside a shop for a couple of hours, she was in the house when he smashed the kitchen table up with an axe, he left the front door open and she was left wandering on the street and the worst was he gave her a haircut while drunk and cut her with the scissors....right down to the muscle. And now he's crying over her grave with a beercan in his hand.
Did I mention that he's a habitual dope smoker too?
I'll be back, it feels so good to get this stuff off my chest.
Me...I am living with an alcoholic....me?...really?
Unfortunately yes.
I have been reading on here and other sites and internet searching alcohol related issues for the last 6 months intently.
New years day he let rip really big and was wasted by 11am. He made a huge breakfast (he always wastes food...he just can't eat it all but he always does huge portions especially when he's drunk) and started calling me a moron in front of my son. I got up scraped the food into the bin and started packing a bag to get out of there. He was telling me to f*** off and telling that I was a c***. All the while holding our beautiful innocent boy in his arms.
I took our child and went to his sisters house and waited for her to come back. In the time it took her to come back I got a call from our landlord telling me that the neighbours were complaining of very loud music coming from our home....that's something else he does...play music so insanely loud that you think your head is going to burst. Always aggressive music like punk or rap.
He passed out and came round to his sisters house the following day bursting in calling me a c*** and trying to pull our child out of my arms. His sister got the same treatment being called a c*** and told that she stinks and pulling and pushing her around.
Something broke in me that day.
Since then I've been saving and planning my escape.
I've read so many posts that say, I love him but he's killing himself.
I don't love him any more, many days I hate him, most days he makes me feel sick with the smell of alcohol, his self pity and his disgusting habits.
I plan to be gone by the end of the year.
We're self-employed and I am trying to amass enough money that I can survive for 6 months or so without having to work so I can take care of my babies.
My parents live in another country and I want to return there so I can have some support....thats been missing a long time...people get sick of your inability to make a change thats so obvious to them.
When I left on New Years Day I had zero money in the bank or in my purse...he keeps it all and I'm dammed if he's going to leave my kids with nothing.
I'm using homeopathy to help me to get through this because I feel like I've got a split personality, making nice on the outside....seething on the inside.
We had to put our beautiful dog down on Saturday and it's triggered a binge for him...he's devastated and drunk.
I've lost my brother and my sister in the last 2 years ...he was full of advice on how to get over it and to stop dwelling. I have obviously become hardened to grief because although it was torturous making the decision to let her our dog go. I am coping much better than he is.
Pity party central. In a way I'm glad she's out of the situation now, she felt the consequences of his drinking on many occasions. He left tied up outside a shop for a couple of hours, she was in the house when he smashed the kitchen table up with an axe, he left the front door open and she was left wandering on the street and the worst was he gave her a haircut while drunk and cut her with the scissors....right down to the muscle. And now he's crying over her grave with a beercan in his hand.
Did I mention that he's a habitual dope smoker too?
I'll be back, it feels so good to get this stuff off my chest.
As an alcoholic, I can tell you dealing with us isnt fair or easy by any means. I was never the mean or angry type when I drank, but from what you said, your husband is full blown at this point and going downhill quick.
See, I am now in recovery, but there was a time when I was in your shoes as well, dealing with my dad who was also an alcoholic (been sober 4 years or so now). So, I am able to see both sides of the spectrum. It sucks!!! The anxiety I felt around him, the anger. I swore I hated him and would dream of him getting put in prison just so I could be free of him, so I feel your pain. The frustration and anger, the resentment towards this person who impacts you so negatively on a daily basis. Someone so clouded by alcohol they cannot see the simple answers to their problems sitting right in front of them. Your Husband is SUPER sick and so far, is getting away with doing whatever he wants. He needs help, but there is only so much you can do. You can call the police next time he is blasted and getting violent with the "axe" or whatever he is doing at that time. It will benefit you to have things on record should you choose to leave/divorce him through the legal system.
The important thing is to not let anything he says effect your own self image or allow him to mess with your head. He is miserable and unhappy, and trying to bring everyone down with him. He will always be able to justify his actions and drinking, but will be quick to tell you and everyone else how to live their lives. Its the addict personality and I really hope you dont let it diminish your sense of self. Easier said than done, right?
You obviously have figured out that you need to remove yourself from this situation. Let him hit rock bottom on his own, and he will eventually. The thing is, I dont think you should "Run". Once you start running, then its hard to stop. Why not take some legal action? You can get custody of the kids, especially if he is a drunk. There are laws set up to help people in your situation, and his. It may be something you want to look in to, because you cant keep living like you are now.
I wish you all the best and wish I could help you out more. I know the anxiety you must have daily, and I know how horrible it is. Do what you can everyday and try not to let it beat you down. One day you will be able to live away from all of this
Nothing is impossible!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: EAGAN
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by Javajoetoes
Honestly thank you so much for your input. I have twisted and turned myself so much to fit into his crazy world for so long I know I will have lost perspective so I accept your words of wisdom with gratitude.
I am trying to remain calm and to be methodical about it all. I would love to go to an Al-Anon meeting , can I bring my child though? There is one at 11am in a local town which I could go to but I have no-one to leave him with and he's got separation anxiety so probably wouldn't stay with anyone anyway. All the other nearby meetings are at his bedtime. On-line would be good.
My son's safety comes above all else to me and mine too, because without me who protects him?
I don't really want to say where my parents live because I'm afraid that I might be identified but it's a short plane journey or ferry crossing. We'd be at their home within a day.
I'm determined to do this and you're so right my son should never hear his mother called that name by anyone. I will make it so xxxx
I am trying to remain calm and to be methodical about it all. I would love to go to an Al-Anon meeting , can I bring my child though? There is one at 11am in a local town which I could go to but I have no-one to leave him with and he's got separation anxiety so probably wouldn't stay with anyone anyway. All the other nearby meetings are at his bedtime. On-line would be good.
My son's safety comes above all else to me and mine too, because without me who protects him?
I don't really want to say where my parents live because I'm afraid that I might be identified but it's a short plane journey or ferry crossing. We'd be at their home within a day.
I'm determined to do this and you're so right my son should never hear his mother called that name by anyone. I will make it so xxxx
Oh yes, seek out as much support as you can. People always feel bad for the addict that its easy to forget the people in the addicts world are suffering just as much. being around people who understand and can offer advice will really help with your anxiety and feelings of being in this on your own.
Nothing is impossible!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: EAGAN
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by Javajoetoes
Thank you for your replies.
We are not exposed to that level of behaviour all the time. It was that incident which clarified for me that I am living with someone who is not in control of his drinking and helped me make the decision to leave. Believe it or not I have a Masters in Social Work (guess who's got rescuer issues!!) so I know about all the services available to me. Unfortunately I also know about the theories behind addictive behaviours and have been taught to see the person and not just the behaviour. I have been so confused about my role in this relationship for so long but New Years Day clarified for me....no matter how many times he says he's not an alcoholic he just "drinks a bit too much" (a bit!!) and in fact "most people" drink like him (!!!!) and I'm just "nagging" anyway (whatever). I know that he has got a problem and he isn't going to change.
Before we ever had kids I've left him and kicked him out and managed to keep him out and stay away for a short amount of time but each time he managed to worm his way back in. He always tries to make it my fault that I left...I was abandoned him....how can he trust me (?). He's still working on New Years Day....I shouldn't have gone to his sisters house, I should've gone and sat in the caravan with our then 12 month old son...is he for real!!
Since New Years Day there have been two big outbursts but both started by me not being able to hold my anger at him in. He hates being challenged about his drinking.....even when he locks me and my son out and leaves the keys in the door while he's passed out (I was so angry then I couldn't contain myself)
There is no physical violence but he has a horrible tongue and he does behave in ways towards me that I feel are like Domestic abuse. But like everyone else on here its a real Jekyll and Hyde scenario. The difference is for me that on days when he's being nice I don't think "Oh I love THIS guy" I just don't love him. I tolerate him and I plan my escape slowly siphoning cash when I can so that I will be able to provide for my children when I go, because they are going to need me with them every second I can be so that they can feel secure, especially my little boy who is going to miss his Daddy.
So thank you for your concern and I am not being ungrateful. I've been here for such a long time I can read the signs of when things are going bad and I leave till its over (I haven't had to do that since New Years Day).
When I go it's going to be a massive drama but I plan to wait til he's wasted then take a few days to get to my intended destination so that if he goes straight there we're not there. I have thought of women's shelters because then he wouldn't be able to find me but I'm still not sure.
I would love to leave sooner but I need to be practical too.
I'd love to hear from people who've taken this step.
I am pretty resilient and have grown stronger over the years. I am not afraid of him any more but instead feel as though I have got some power in my life.......each time he explains why his circumstances are exceptional and tells me not to worry that he is trying and that his family are the most important thing in the world to him, inside I'm thinking (whatever!!!)
We are not exposed to that level of behaviour all the time. It was that incident which clarified for me that I am living with someone who is not in control of his drinking and helped me make the decision to leave. Believe it or not I have a Masters in Social Work (guess who's got rescuer issues!!) so I know about all the services available to me. Unfortunately I also know about the theories behind addictive behaviours and have been taught to see the person and not just the behaviour. I have been so confused about my role in this relationship for so long but New Years Day clarified for me....no matter how many times he says he's not an alcoholic he just "drinks a bit too much" (a bit!!) and in fact "most people" drink like him (!!!!) and I'm just "nagging" anyway (whatever). I know that he has got a problem and he isn't going to change.
Before we ever had kids I've left him and kicked him out and managed to keep him out and stay away for a short amount of time but each time he managed to worm his way back in. He always tries to make it my fault that I left...I was abandoned him....how can he trust me (?). He's still working on New Years Day....I shouldn't have gone to his sisters house, I should've gone and sat in the caravan with our then 12 month old son...is he for real!!
Since New Years Day there have been two big outbursts but both started by me not being able to hold my anger at him in. He hates being challenged about his drinking.....even when he locks me and my son out and leaves the keys in the door while he's passed out (I was so angry then I couldn't contain myself)
There is no physical violence but he has a horrible tongue and he does behave in ways towards me that I feel are like Domestic abuse. But like everyone else on here its a real Jekyll and Hyde scenario. The difference is for me that on days when he's being nice I don't think "Oh I love THIS guy" I just don't love him. I tolerate him and I plan my escape slowly siphoning cash when I can so that I will be able to provide for my children when I go, because they are going to need me with them every second I can be so that they can feel secure, especially my little boy who is going to miss his Daddy.
So thank you for your concern and I am not being ungrateful. I've been here for such a long time I can read the signs of when things are going bad and I leave till its over (I haven't had to do that since New Years Day).
When I go it's going to be a massive drama but I plan to wait til he's wasted then take a few days to get to my intended destination so that if he goes straight there we're not there. I have thought of women's shelters because then he wouldn't be able to find me but I'm still not sure.
I would love to leave sooner but I need to be practical too.
I'd love to hear from people who've taken this step.
I am pretty resilient and have grown stronger over the years. I am not afraid of him any more but instead feel as though I have got some power in my life.......each time he explains why his circumstances are exceptional and tells me not to worry that he is trying and that his family are the most important thing in the world to him, inside I'm thinking (whatever!!!)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Really glad you're taking care of you and your child--and yes, Alanon will be a great help to you! Glad (but not surprised) to hear they were so accomodating.
You're taking the first steps to a much better life! Good for you.
You're taking the first steps to a much better life! Good for you.
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