Should Be Dead
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Flawda
Posts: 4
Should Be Dead
Hi, I'm new to sobriety, and plan on being a veteran, in good time.
I've been going to this dual diagnosis program for the past 3 months or so to tackle my addiction and mental health issues, following a stint in ICU and a stay in a mental ward (sadly, one of many similar trips...too many to count).
During a two week sobriety streak, I started hanging out with someone new to the program.... bad idea... Turned out he wasn't on the same page as me, if on any page, when it comes to wanting to change. I allowed myself to fall to his peer pressure into drinking with him.
Even worse, he drank as heavily as I did (rare to find), and it began a regular thing for him to come over my place and get ****-faced. I found it nice to have someone to drink with, although I'm a solo-oriented drinker.
He liked me, and I didn't feel the same towards him.. he knew it, as I made it known.. Getting me ****-faced was his way of coercing a relationship of sorts. Mind you, this is over a few week period, nothing extensive.
So, on the 9th of May, ironically, when I was going to confront him on breaking off our "friendship"/"drug-induced relationship", he came by in a limo, and we went on a date. There was a unopened bottle of rum and coke which we split during the drive to the Cheesecake Factory, where we ate and drank margarita's, followed by a walk on the beach, then a retreat back to my place... that's where I blacked out...
I woke up in ICU with a ventilator in my lungs and feeding tube in my nose, not to mention the familiar catheter in my dick. I had self-inflicted (still debatable) stab wounds... 4 in my left forearm, and multiple in my abdomen. Came home to a murder scene, with the amounts of dry blood sprayed/puddled/smeared everywhere.
My BAC was over .30
I should be dead.
I haven't touched a drink since, and have no interest whatsoever. My urges to drink don't exist. I get sick when I see a beer or vodka commercial on TV, or when someone is drinking near me. I have the scars and nerve damage to remind me of why I'll stay sober forever.
I dropped dude out my life, next time I saw him. He claimed to had blacked out as well, and was not able to recollect what played out that night at my house. He apologized (somewhat), and attempted to manipulate me back into his life like before, but I let him know we had no future, and I didn't want anything to do with him by ignoring him when we'd bump into each other at the program. Luckily, he's not going to the outpatient program I go to anymore, but the shame lingers because word got out to the people there on what happened and with who.
Well.. that's my story that lead me to where I am today.
I've been going to this dual diagnosis program for the past 3 months or so to tackle my addiction and mental health issues, following a stint in ICU and a stay in a mental ward (sadly, one of many similar trips...too many to count).
During a two week sobriety streak, I started hanging out with someone new to the program.... bad idea... Turned out he wasn't on the same page as me, if on any page, when it comes to wanting to change. I allowed myself to fall to his peer pressure into drinking with him.
Even worse, he drank as heavily as I did (rare to find), and it began a regular thing for him to come over my place and get ****-faced. I found it nice to have someone to drink with, although I'm a solo-oriented drinker.
He liked me, and I didn't feel the same towards him.. he knew it, as I made it known.. Getting me ****-faced was his way of coercing a relationship of sorts. Mind you, this is over a few week period, nothing extensive.
So, on the 9th of May, ironically, when I was going to confront him on breaking off our "friendship"/"drug-induced relationship", he came by in a limo, and we went on a date. There was a unopened bottle of rum and coke which we split during the drive to the Cheesecake Factory, where we ate and drank margarita's, followed by a walk on the beach, then a retreat back to my place... that's where I blacked out...
I woke up in ICU with a ventilator in my lungs and feeding tube in my nose, not to mention the familiar catheter in my dick. I had self-inflicted (still debatable) stab wounds... 4 in my left forearm, and multiple in my abdomen. Came home to a murder scene, with the amounts of dry blood sprayed/puddled/smeared everywhere.
My BAC was over .30
I should be dead.
I haven't touched a drink since, and have no interest whatsoever. My urges to drink don't exist. I get sick when I see a beer or vodka commercial on TV, or when someone is drinking near me. I have the scars and nerve damage to remind me of why I'll stay sober forever.
I dropped dude out my life, next time I saw him. He claimed to had blacked out as well, and was not able to recollect what played out that night at my house. He apologized (somewhat), and attempted to manipulate me back into his life like before, but I let him know we had no future, and I didn't want anything to do with him by ignoring him when we'd bump into each other at the program. Luckily, he's not going to the outpatient program I go to anymore, but the shame lingers because word got out to the people there on what happened and with who.
Well.. that's my story that lead me to where I am today.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: North East, US
Posts: 2,310
Resurwrecked first I'm so glad that you are ok! Looks like you were givin another chance at living the life you want! SR is a wonderful place to come for help and to help others. I have found sharing struggles help me so much and others. Keep posting and keep your head up!
Change that Shame that lingers. Shame will do you no good. I think remembering where you have been is important but loose the shame.
Change that Shame that lingers. Shame will do you no good. I think remembering where you have been is important but loose the shame.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Flawda
Posts: 4
Thanks for the feedback.
I'm taking everything day by day.
Just trying to organize a plan of action to better my life, and not loathe in my failures, and all of the years wasted to drinking, and desolate isolation.
Would like to pursue my education, get a job, overcome my depression, anxieties and phobias(first and foremost).
I'm taking everything day by day.
Just trying to organize a plan of action to better my life, and not loathe in my failures, and all of the years wasted to drinking, and desolate isolation.
Would like to pursue my education, get a job, overcome my depression, anxieties and phobias(first and foremost).
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Scary stuff, glad you're okay and that you're turning the corner. I also once woke up in a hospital bed after a drinking-related incident, injured and bleeding, wondering what the heck happened to me. That was over a year ago and thankfully I've been sober for almost 11 months now. It IS possible to get better, it's challenging and it takes time, but there's a brighter life waiting for you.
Congrats on showing courage by telling your story here. Good luck and welcome.
Congrats on showing courage by telling your story here. Good luck and welcome.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Welcome to SR! I hope that you will find support, and comfort here. I am sorry that you endured all of that. May this be the situation that changes your whole entire existence. You are lucky to be alive. One step at a time.
Nothing is impossible!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: EAGAN
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by Resurwrecked 
Hi, I'm new to sobriety, and plan on being a veteran, in good time.
I've been going to this dual diagnosis program for the past 3 months or so to tackle my addiction and mental health issues, following a stint in ICU and a stay in a mental ward (sadly, one of many similar trips...too many to count).
During a two week sobriety streak, I started hanging out with someone new to the program.... bad idea... Turned out he wasn't on the same page as me, if on any page, when it comes to wanting to change. I allowed myself to fall to his peer pressure into drinking with him.
Even worse, he drank as heavily as I did (rare to find), and it began a regular thing for him to come over my place and get ****-faced. I found it nice to have someone to drink with, although I'm a solo-oriented drinker.
He liked me, and I didn't feel the same towards him.. he knew it, as I made it known.. Getting me ****-faced was his way of coercing a relationship of sorts. Mind you, this is over a few week period, nothing extensive.
So, on the 9th of May, ironically, when I was going to confront him on breaking off our "friendship"/"drug-induced relationship", he came by in a limo, and we went on a date. There was a unopened bottle of rum and coke which we split during the drive to the Cheesecake Factory, where we ate and drank margarita's, followed by a walk on the beach, then a retreat back to my place... that's where I blacked out...
I woke up in ICU with a ventilator in my lungs and feeding tube in my nose, not to mention the familiar catheter in my dick. I had self-inflicted (still debatable) stab wounds... 4 in my left forearm, and multiple in my abdomen. Came home to a murder scene, with the amounts of dry blood sprayed/puddled/smeared everywhere.
My BAC was over .30
I should be dead.
I haven't touched a drink since, and have no interest whatsoever. My urges to drink don't exist. I get sick when I see a beer or vodka commercial on TV, or when someone is drinking near me. I have the scars and nerve damage to remind me of why I'll stay sober forever.
I dropped dude out my life, next time I saw him. He claimed to had blacked out as well, and was not able to recollect what played out that night at my house. He apologized (somewhat), and attempted to manipulate me back into his life like before, but I let him know we had no future, and I didn't want anything to do with him by ignoring him when we'd bump into each other at the program. Luckily, he's not going to the outpatient program I go to anymore, but the shame lingers because word got out to the people there on what happened and with who.
Well.. that's my story that lead me to where I am today.
I've been going to this dual diagnosis program for the past 3 months or so to tackle my addiction and mental health issues, following a stint in ICU and a stay in a mental ward (sadly, one of many similar trips...too many to count).
During a two week sobriety streak, I started hanging out with someone new to the program.... bad idea... Turned out he wasn't on the same page as me, if on any page, when it comes to wanting to change. I allowed myself to fall to his peer pressure into drinking with him.
Even worse, he drank as heavily as I did (rare to find), and it began a regular thing for him to come over my place and get ****-faced. I found it nice to have someone to drink with, although I'm a solo-oriented drinker.
He liked me, and I didn't feel the same towards him.. he knew it, as I made it known.. Getting me ****-faced was his way of coercing a relationship of sorts. Mind you, this is over a few week period, nothing extensive.
So, on the 9th of May, ironically, when I was going to confront him on breaking off our "friendship"/"drug-induced relationship", he came by in a limo, and we went on a date. There was a unopened bottle of rum and coke which we split during the drive to the Cheesecake Factory, where we ate and drank margarita's, followed by a walk on the beach, then a retreat back to my place... that's where I blacked out...
I woke up in ICU with a ventilator in my lungs and feeding tube in my nose, not to mention the familiar catheter in my dick. I had self-inflicted (still debatable) stab wounds... 4 in my left forearm, and multiple in my abdomen. Came home to a murder scene, with the amounts of dry blood sprayed/puddled/smeared everywhere.
My BAC was over .30
I should be dead.
I haven't touched a drink since, and have no interest whatsoever. My urges to drink don't exist. I get sick when I see a beer or vodka commercial on TV, or when someone is drinking near me. I have the scars and nerve damage to remind me of why I'll stay sober forever.
I dropped dude out my life, next time I saw him. He claimed to had blacked out as well, and was not able to recollect what played out that night at my house. He apologized (somewhat), and attempted to manipulate me back into his life like before, but I let him know we had no future, and I didn't want anything to do with him by ignoring him when we'd bump into each other at the program. Luckily, he's not going to the outpatient program I go to anymore, but the shame lingers because word got out to the people there on what happened and with who.
Well.. that's my story that lead me to where I am today.
Whoa, that is some story. Congrats on the sobriety, and I wanted to mention one thing. Never feel ashamed about who you were or what you did in the past, as long as you are learning from it. As long as you learned something, then it wasnt a waste, but a stepping stone to get you to where you are today. Guilt is such a huge obstacle in recovery. We beat ourselves down thinking about past situations, people, or actions when there is no way to go back and change them. I dont want you to feel shameful that people know things about you at your program. Think of it as a way to share your story and even if you only help one other person, then that is something impressive to be proud of. Remember that!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Flawda
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by Nighthawk8820
Whoa, that is some story. Congrats on the sobriety, and I wanted to mention one thing. Never feel ashamed about who you were or what you did in the past, as long as you are learning from it. As long as you learned something, then it wasnt a waste, but a stepping stone to get you to where you are today. Guilt is such a huge obstacle in recovery. We beat ourselves down thinking about past situations, people, or actions when there is no way to go back and change them. I dont want you to feel shameful that people know things about you at your program. Think of it as a way to share your story and even if you only help one other person, then that is something impressive to be proud of. Remember that!
The shame and guilt is dissipating, but it had left a huge bruise that's slowly healing. The soreness of that bruise has kept me sober for almost a month now, and the lessons gained will keep me sober for a lifetime.
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