PLH

I'm really blown away at my daughter and SIL.

Back story she is the middle kid of 5, always very level headed, kind beyond words. She and SIL have helped me get my life together, even helping with moving me 1100 miles away from my AH. Second husband not her father. This was back in '09, gave me a car! Well I could go on and on with all the help they have been, and I have not asked one iota!! I have been determined to regain my life myself and have done pretty well.

So here is the deal. They live in a neighborhood that socializes a lot and on occasions I go to visit it's a 2 hour drive from me and I usually always stay the night or longer.

Their neighbors are fun, great people we have a lot of fun hanging out in each others garages. We B-B-Q and yes there is drinking but no one drinks to excess and I would say your basic social drinkers.

There is this one man who is single and my age and interested in me. My daughter and SIL is trying to get us together. The last two times I was there I started paying attention to him, (not that kind of attention) but noticing his drinking he always has a beer in his hand. I have a beer every once in a while too but not non stop. And I have noticed he staggers after a few hours of drinking, red flag! Okay cut to the chase I think he has a drinking problem.

My daughter just texted me and wants me to come up to a BBQ this Saturday and said "he" would be there too, hint,hint.

I have actually told her weeks ago I've had my share of alcoholics in my life and am not interested in him at all.

So I texted her back and asked her if she would recommend her daughter hook up with yet another alchy after loosing so much and finally getting back on her feet? I also told her it was insulting to me. I know she wants me to have a man in my life to take care of me.......really!!

I have been so strong and never have asked for help, never even let them have a hint of anything a miss with me. I enjoy my peaceful life and I never want to have another addict in it, ever!

So my older daughter calls and says her sister is crying, feels bad and doesn't understand. What? I've tried calling her and can only leave a VM.

I'm just sick about this. I know her to be so level headed but why would she think this is a good thing for me after all I've been through with my last AH and her Dad?

I just really needed to vent, I'm sure it will blow over but I could use some sage advise on what to say that might get through her head, anyone?

shil2587

Firstly, I am so glad to hear that you are clearly setting yourself boundaries and being determined to keep only positive influences in your life. That's such a difficult thing to do, especially for some of us, that's something i am still working on.
Do you think it might be possible that your daughter does not know he drinks regularly? From what you say of how she has helped you beyond anything you would have asked for, she sounds like she deeply cares about you. Understandably, you are upset that you feel pressured, but it does sound like perhaps you might have been a little hard on her and she has reacted to that. If it were me, i think i would try to reassure her that i am grateful for everything she has done but that i needed time without men in my life?
I sincerely hope that things continue getting better for you.

dandylion

Dear PLH, sorry--but,my first thought is that you might have come off more harsh, to her, than you realized. My second thought is maybe she did not think the whole thing through and is being too hard on herself.

As a mother, my first impulse would be to call her directly and ask her if she is upset and why and let her vent whatever feelings she has to you--to clear the air from any debris from what appears to be just a misunderstanding. I am always in favor of a good ole-fashioned heart-to-heart to mend an upset with the kids--if it is possible.

Other than that.....I Got Nuthin.....

dandylion

PLH

Awe thanks shil!

Yes I am setting boundaries and as I read that I wonder if I am doing the typical over the top thing that we do when learning new ways of dealing, humm? Maybe I was a bit over the top, but as I re-read my text from my POV it doesn't sound that way. Thanks you gave me a different perspective!

As far as this guy, she admits he is a drinker but doesn't label him an alchy I simply observed things in him I didn't like for my comfort zone. No since hooking up with a guy just to tear him down because of my neurosis , he certainly doesn't deserve that!

They know I am grateful for all they've done!! I tell them all the time!

And now that I am typing this I can't help but wonder if it's her hormones.....no don't beat me up for that but she is doing invertro, makes anyone crazy emotionally. We will patch this up. I guess I am just surprised at her choice for me, ha!

Thanks again you gave me many things to ponder!!

Recovering2

My take on this is you have a loving daughter who was trying to help her Mom meet someone. She likely does not have the same radar for drinking that you do, so might have missed that this guy may (or may not) have a problem. I say kindly, you do sound like you may have been a little harsh with her about it. No one can blame you for being senstive about being introduced to someone who drinks more than you're comfortable with. But I don't think your daughter meant any harm.

I think it would have been okay to thank her for caring about you and taking an interest in your love life, but you are not interested in this man at all and would prefer to leave it alone. Let her know you prefer to just socialize with no expectations when visiting her.

And if she's doing in vitro....yep....she's likely emotionally labile! But also sounds like you love each other, and this will be an easy thing to resolve.