Don't be his chick(en)!!!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
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Don't be his chick(en)!!!
So a few weeks ago, I was telling my therapist how I don't understand why it's been so hard for me to let my XA go. It has honestly been so much harder to move on from that 16 month relationship than it was to divorce my XH, whom I had been with for 19 years. It's 3 months today since I got dumped via text by my XA, and although overall I'm doing a lot better, I still have days like yesterday where the pain just comes from out of nowhere and squeezes my heart until I don't think I'm going to be able to stand it. And even on the 'better' days, I know that my smile doesn't quite reach my eyes and my laughter sounds a bit forced, a bit hollow, even to my own ears...but the following story helped me better understand why I'm still struggling. So here goes (and sorry it's so long!):
My therapist told me that when he was studying to get his psychology degree, they had to do an experiment with chickens. They were given 3 chickens, and they had to document their behavior. The first chicken got a food pellet every time it pecked the lever. The second chicken got a food pellet intermittently, sometimes yes, sometimes no. The third chicken never got a food pellet no matter how many times it pecked the lever. My therapist asked me, "Which chicken do you think drove itself absolutely nuts pecking at that lever to get a food pellet?" I gave what seemed to me to be the most logical answer, "The one who never got the pellet...??" He said, "Nope. The one who only intermittently got the pellet." And then he looked at me expectantly, as if this information should have some relevant meaning to me, lol.
So I'm sitting there thinking, 'Ummm....okayyyyyy. What the heck does this story have to do with MY situation?? Why is he just sitting there, looking at me as if he thinks this little anecdote is going to have some significance for me??' So he finally takes pity on me (lol) and says, "That's what he did to YOU." And I just stared at him blankly and asked, "Did what to me? What do you mean?" And he goes, "He created that same situation with the intermittently-fed chicken with you. He always kept you unbalanced with that come here-go away dynamic, he'd call you to come over, you'd be on cloud nine, and then you wouldn't hear from him for a week. Or two. Or a month. Then all of a sudden you'd hear from him three weeks in a row, and then you wouldn't hear again for who knows how long. And he kept up this unpredictable rhythm of highs and lows, always keeping you guessing, never knowing when you'd hear, until you didn't know if you were coming or going. He had you right where he wanted you - close enough to keep you hooked, so that you'd come running when he wanted you, but distant enough that he never had to make any real effort or commitment. And that type of dynamic creates an obsession, wondering when you're going to hear from him, when you're going to see him, then you'd see him and sometimes he'd say all the right things and let you stay over and other times it was for an hour and he'd practically kick you out as soon as it was over. Either way, he'd then go back to ignoring your existence, leaving you to obsess over when you were going to hear from him again, until he wanted his selfish needs satisfied again. You see, he created an obsession in you, just like the obsession created with the intermittent chicken never knowing when it was going to get a food pellet." By this time, I think my jaw was hanging open, and I practically screeched in disbelief, "Wait, I'M the intermittent chicken????" LOL!
I can (mostly) laugh about it now. But I have to say, it took a couple days to fully sink in, and when it did, it really bothered me.....because I knew it was TRUE. Whether deliberate or not, he had turned me into his damn chicken - and I had LET him!! I allowed myself to be turned into an obsessed, clucking chicken frantically pecking at the lever, desperate to get a tiny pellet of affection from him. And my therapist said that these types of relationships can be very difficult to break free of.
I have to say, it was really one of those 'lightbulb' moments for me, and it has stuck with me these past weeks. And on the days when it hurts so much, when I feel like I can't take it, I allow myself to feel the pain, sit with it a bit, and usually shed some tears. But then I do my best to shut it out, dry my eyes and remind myself, "NO. I am NOT his intermittent chicken anymore."
I don't know if anyone else will get anything out of this or not, but I thought I'd share it anyway.
My therapist told me that when he was studying to get his psychology degree, they had to do an experiment with chickens. They were given 3 chickens, and they had to document their behavior. The first chicken got a food pellet every time it pecked the lever. The second chicken got a food pellet intermittently, sometimes yes, sometimes no. The third chicken never got a food pellet no matter how many times it pecked the lever. My therapist asked me, "Which chicken do you think drove itself absolutely nuts pecking at that lever to get a food pellet?" I gave what seemed to me to be the most logical answer, "The one who never got the pellet...??" He said, "Nope. The one who only intermittently got the pellet." And then he looked at me expectantly, as if this information should have some relevant meaning to me, lol.
So I'm sitting there thinking, 'Ummm....okayyyyyy. What the heck does this story have to do with MY situation?? Why is he just sitting there, looking at me as if he thinks this little anecdote is going to have some significance for me??' So he finally takes pity on me (lol) and says, "That's what he did to YOU." And I just stared at him blankly and asked, "Did what to me? What do you mean?" And he goes, "He created that same situation with the intermittently-fed chicken with you. He always kept you unbalanced with that come here-go away dynamic, he'd call you to come over, you'd be on cloud nine, and then you wouldn't hear from him for a week. Or two. Or a month. Then all of a sudden you'd hear from him three weeks in a row, and then you wouldn't hear again for who knows how long. And he kept up this unpredictable rhythm of highs and lows, always keeping you guessing, never knowing when you'd hear, until you didn't know if you were coming or going. He had you right where he wanted you - close enough to keep you hooked, so that you'd come running when he wanted you, but distant enough that he never had to make any real effort or commitment. And that type of dynamic creates an obsession, wondering when you're going to hear from him, when you're going to see him, then you'd see him and sometimes he'd say all the right things and let you stay over and other times it was for an hour and he'd practically kick you out as soon as it was over. Either way, he'd then go back to ignoring your existence, leaving you to obsess over when you were going to hear from him again, until he wanted his selfish needs satisfied again. You see, he created an obsession in you, just like the obsession created with the intermittent chicken never knowing when it was going to get a food pellet." By this time, I think my jaw was hanging open, and I practically screeched in disbelief, "Wait, I'M the intermittent chicken????" LOL!
I can (mostly) laugh about it now. But I have to say, it took a couple days to fully sink in, and when it did, it really bothered me.....because I knew it was TRUE. Whether deliberate or not, he had turned me into his damn chicken - and I had LET him!! I allowed myself to be turned into an obsessed, clucking chicken frantically pecking at the lever, desperate to get a tiny pellet of affection from him. And my therapist said that these types of relationships can be very difficult to break free of.
I have to say, it was really one of those 'lightbulb' moments for me, and it has stuck with me these past weeks. And on the days when it hurts so much, when I feel like I can't take it, I allow myself to feel the pain, sit with it a bit, and usually shed some tears. But then I do my best to shut it out, dry my eyes and remind myself, "NO. I am NOT his intermittent chicken anymore."
I don't know if anyone else will get anything out of this or not, but I thought I'd share it anyway.
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 73
OMG I haven't felt like laughing about my situation at all, but I actually laughed out loud to this one! Having studied this myself I had forgotten all about the premise. I relate to your story very much and I lived with my EXABF for 7 years and he did a lot of the same push-pull with me. It is very crazy making...thank you so much for this story and please tell your therapist you paid this one forward
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Thanks, everyone - I kinda figured a lot of us here could relate!!
mstrust - Yes, it's such a terrible feeling, and how I wish NONE of us here were familiar with it.
Boon - Well, I'm glad that you were finally able to have a good laugh - that's a step in the right direction! And yes, that push-pull behavior IS very crazy-making and I see so clearly now how the obsession with him was created in me as a result. I'll be sure to tell my therapist I paid it forward - he'll get a kick out of that!
Kindeyes - Yes, I'm glad I finally decided to share this story. I know it really helped me, and I was hoping it would help others, too.
Vale - Exactly!! This little chicken is through with being jerked around by unhealthy people, and if any of them come near her ever again, she's going to peck their face off!! Hahaha!! (Okay, okay, maybe I'm not quite at THAT stage yet.....but I'll at least do enough damage to make 'em think twice before messing with me!!)
Lily - Oh my gosh, how funny!! YES, birds of a feather...LOL!!
mstrust - Yes, it's such a terrible feeling, and how I wish NONE of us here were familiar with it.
Boon - Well, I'm glad that you were finally able to have a good laugh - that's a step in the right direction! And yes, that push-pull behavior IS very crazy-making and I see so clearly now how the obsession with him was created in me as a result. I'll be sure to tell my therapist I paid it forward - he'll get a kick out of that!
Kindeyes - Yes, I'm glad I finally decided to share this story. I know it really helped me, and I was hoping it would help others, too.
Vale - Exactly!! This little chicken is through with being jerked around by unhealthy people, and if any of them come near her ever again, she's going to peck their face off!! Hahaha!! (Okay, okay, maybe I'm not quite at THAT stage yet.....but I'll at least do enough damage to make 'em think twice before messing with me!!)
Lily - Oh my gosh, how funny!! YES, birds of a feather...LOL!!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Posts: 124
Cluck. Cluck.
Thanks for the post -- it was very helpful. I see myself undeniably as the Intermittent Chicken, but I am left wondering about my own psychological makeup that made me so vulnerable to such treatment. It's a part of where I am right now, this examining of how I got into such a situation.
There are two types of comments that I've see in various forms here on SR that come to mind when I think about my chicken tendencies. When I see them, a little bell goes off in my head (these are a synthesis of such comments):
• A "normal" person would never enter into a relationship with someone who is abusive
• "If a friend or acquaintance mistreated me in the way that my partner did JUST ONCE, I would end that relationship immediately. But I have allowed my partner to abuse me so many times..."
Now, I realize that the concept of "normal" is relative and I don't want to stigmatize myself or anyone else here, but, in my case, it took me a while to accept that, yes, there is something not quite right in my head/heart. Most people see the red flags and they run away, but I see those flags (and I now have the courage to admit that YES, I saw the warnings all along) and I STAY. It's liberating to accept it, but it's like a trapdoor has opened under my feet...
So my work right now is trying to understand how I got involved in the whole chicken experiment to begin with, because here's the humbling truth that I take away from it: those chickens were FORCED into their situations, and the obsession that was created in the mind of the Intermittent Chicken was based on its need to eat -- it had no other way to obtain its food. The same cannot be said about me. I wasn't locked in a cage, and my access to nourishment was not limited to one unstable source. What brought me to that situation, and what kept me there for so long?
Thanks for the post -- it was very helpful. I see myself undeniably as the Intermittent Chicken, but I am left wondering about my own psychological makeup that made me so vulnerable to such treatment. It's a part of where I am right now, this examining of how I got into such a situation.
There are two types of comments that I've see in various forms here on SR that come to mind when I think about my chicken tendencies. When I see them, a little bell goes off in my head (these are a synthesis of such comments):
• A "normal" person would never enter into a relationship with someone who is abusive
• "If a friend or acquaintance mistreated me in the way that my partner did JUST ONCE, I would end that relationship immediately. But I have allowed my partner to abuse me so many times..."
Now, I realize that the concept of "normal" is relative and I don't want to stigmatize myself or anyone else here, but, in my case, it took me a while to accept that, yes, there is something not quite right in my head/heart. Most people see the red flags and they run away, but I see those flags (and I now have the courage to admit that YES, I saw the warnings all along) and I STAY. It's liberating to accept it, but it's like a trapdoor has opened under my feet...
So my work right now is trying to understand how I got involved in the whole chicken experiment to begin with, because here's the humbling truth that I take away from it: those chickens were FORCED into their situations, and the obsession that was created in the mind of the Intermittent Chicken was based on its need to eat -- it had no other way to obtain its food. The same cannot be said about me. I wasn't locked in a cage, and my access to nourishment was not limited to one unstable source. What brought me to that situation, and what kept me there for so long?
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Originally Posted by MiSoberbio 
I am left wondering about my own psychological makeup that made me so vulnerable to such treatment. It's a part of where I am right now, this examining of how I got into such a situation.
....in my case, it took me a while to accept that, yes, there is something not quite right in my head/heart. Most people see the red flags and they run away, but I see those flags (and I now have the courage to admit that YES, I saw the warnings all along) and I STAY.
So my work right now is trying to understand how I got involved in the whole chicken experiment to begin with. I wasn't locked in a cage, and my access to nourishment was not limited to one unstable source. What brought me to that situation, and what kept me there for so long?
....in my case, it took me a while to accept that, yes, there is something not quite right in my head/heart. Most people see the red flags and they run away, but I see those flags (and I now have the courage to admit that YES, I saw the warnings all along) and I STAY.
So my work right now is trying to understand how I got involved in the whole chicken experiment to begin with. I wasn't locked in a cage, and my access to nourishment was not limited to one unstable source. What brought me to that situation, and what kept me there for so long?
Thank you for your post, MiSoberbio, and I wish us both healing and enlightenment on our journeys of self-discovery. (((HUGS)))
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 79
Wow I loved this! For 8 months I was waiting for our relationship to "begin". I would think we were in love then the next day think he was just manipulating me. I still care for my ex and wish him the best and who knows maybe years in the future he will have a lot of clean time and things will work. But right now I'm realizing we never even had a relationship. I knew everything about him and he knew nothing about me. Not bc he didn't care but bc he cared more about the needle and the heroin.
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