mstrust

hi again. so i've been doing ok with myself. not perfect, of course...i mean, as far as the whole self-care things go, but better than i have in the past. i've been trying to let go of my anger toward the ex and i'm actually doing pretty well, honestly. i've been left feeling more numb...or confused...but nothing extreme in any sense. the confusion is bothering me a little. i wanted to type here maybe so someone can or will reinforce what i think i already know, i guess.

the ex has been gone for four months. rehab to sober living. he has been all over the place in how he has been acting to me and hasn't included me in anything. as i wrote on here, i finally told him i couldn't do this anymore. and no, i didn't go no contact. didn't really have to since he was basically not contacting me much anyway. when he has contacted me, i have felt like something was weird. his voice. the fact that he would not let me get a word in at all and would yell over me and hang up on me and then just ignore me completely. i found myself letting it upset me and i ended up in tears on more than one occasion so i just stopped participating or trying to say anything.

anyway, last week i came home to a piece of mail that was a summary of his prescription drugs for the month of april. on the summary was codeine. he is an opiate addict in recovery so obviously that should not be a drug he has. this sheet said when he filled the script and where and for how long of a supply. before i got that paper he had sent me a weird text that said something about how he was in the hospital and i was only worried about some insurance paper. i didn't understand since i didn't know anything about a hospital visit or what insurance paper he was talking about. i asked him about it. he told me his insurance wouldn't cover his cymbalta so he ran out and went into severe withdrawal from it and had to go to the hospital. i was a little bit taken aback because the insurance thing with the cymbalta had been going for months and he knew about it ahead of time and he had resolved it, i thought. it just didn't make sense.

anyway, back to the summary paper thing. in addition to codeine being on it, so was the fact that he filled a month's supply of cymbalta at the end of april. and i got a similar sheet before saying a month's supply was filled in march. cymbalta is not really a drug to abuse at all, so the only thing that made any sense was that he didn't run out and the story out of the blue to me about the hospital was to cover tracks when and if a hospital bill shows up at the house.

i asked him about the codeine as he had recently listed off to me the drugs he was on and he made no mention of that so i felt it was dishonest. his answer was he didn't take it and that was all there was to it. i then wondered why then did he take the prescription in his hand from whatever provider gave it to him and then actually FILL it? no answer was given. just he didn't take it. i said no more because why bother, right? then he called and actually talked to me and it was some arguing, some not, and just him talking about how awful the cymbalta withdrawal was and blah blah blah... also texts were sent to me about how he just wanted to give up and he was so depressed and hates himself and all that. it was just all over the place and not making sense. he said he would call me the following night. he didn't. i just got an excuse why he didn't and he knows one of my main issues with him is telling me he will do something and not keeping his word. then i hear nothing for days. i sent an email about the codeine and that i knew the cymbalta story wasn't true and please tell me what is going on and saying i just want him to be well and healthy and get the help he needs. he ignored it.

so fast forward to yesterday. midday i start getting random texts about how much he loves me and misses me and is sorry for all he has done and i deserve better and he knows he hasn't been there for me and he doesn't want to have already lost me and he wants to fix things so bad and on and on in the same way. needless to say, i was totally confused. i didn't even know how to respond. then i got some texts a little while later about how i'm vindictive and vengeful and i can't even reply and is there someone else? so i say very honestly, i am just confused about this right now. i don't know what to think about anything that is going on. i don't know WHAT is going on and he pretty much has been and is shutting me out. so then he tells me i pissed on his feelings and slammed the door in his face and he is so pathetic for telling me how he felt and it came from his soul and i basically made it clear he is nothing and he hates himself more than i do. whoa. so i just replied, all i did was tell you i was confused. about YOU and what is going on. because i am. i didn't do anything wrong.

silence for a couple of hours then more about how i must be with someone else. well, i'm not, haven't been, and i told him that. so now he takes a complete turn and the conversation (all text) is all about how impossible it is to talk to me and i'm always just shooting him down, slamming him with a baseball bat, punching him in the gut, i'm cold, i'm selfish, if i don't believe something it's automatically a lie, i make things up in my head, i flip out for no reason, my tone sucks, my word choice sucks, i don't see the damage i've done, how can he want to talk to me when i'm like that...and of course, micro-focus on the fact that he said what he did and i didn't say the words, "i love you too." and then more about my journals i have kept over the years and my anger that i hold for years and how i need help and i won't get it and i won't acknowledge anything about what i do wrong.

facts: i have acknowledged what i've done wrong repeatedly and probably more than i should, need to, or am actually responsible for. i am in therapy. i don't have any of the anger he is talking about. the journals are from nine years ago that he is referring to. i was just totally floored. not to mention that i'm wondering what happened to all the 'i love you so much and i miss you and i'm so sorry and i haven't been there for you' texts i got earlier in the SAME DAY???

why did i type all of this? i am perplexed. i don't know what to do. i feel like he has relapsed or something and is avoiding talking to me for obvious reasons. what does any of this sound like to anyone else? sorry for the length. it's all just so convoluted. does anyone get this??????

AnvilheadII

your post made my head hurt. i'm thinking to myself who NEEDS this kind of crap when it can so easily be avoided:

the conversation (all text) is all about how impossible it is to talk to me and i'm always just shooting him down, slamming him with a baseball bat, punching him in the gut, i'm cold, i'm selfish, if i don't believe something it's automatically a lie, i make things up in my head, i flip out for no reason, my tone sucks, my word choice sucks,

it's all games and blameshifting and lies and empty promises. and often conducted VIA TEXT.

what is so awful about just being done with the whole mess and moving on?

mstrust

i think i have a very stubborn, very irrational hope that someday he will actually get real and talk to me. my post made MY head hurt. i'm spun out and i don't know what to think.

Lily1918

I understand that sometimes texting can be effective. no raised voices, no yelling etc. BUT

the compliment texts have always been a red flag for me. He wasnt compliment you just to compliment you and brighten your day. He did it expecting a response. That is why his mood changed so quickly and he threw a tantrum when he didn't get what he wanted.

why do you let him do this to you?

I still talk to mine from time to time because I am struggling with letting go. I am having a hard time accepting he isn't trying to be sober. That he is really choosing to live this life.

I don't want to let go of the idea of him being in recovery. For some strange reason I accept unacceptable behavior because I think it is only temporary.

Even if he has not physically relapsed, relapse is a process not an event. His words don't really show recovery to me.

I guess I am the pot calling the kettle black because I have backslid yet again in mine as well... but still...

mstrust

me too, lily. on the backslide. this whole post being evidence of that. i see that he clearly wanted a response to him thinking he was saying "all the right things" and that those words would magically make a difference. i didn't have the "proper" response, so i'm an a**hole.

doesn't sound like recovery to me either. or anyone who wants to rebuild trust the way he claims to want to.

peacedove

listen, i don't mean this ill intentioned at all, i promise you, because i know you are perplexed and confused, etc...but honey, reading that.that.that.that.just made my head hurt bad. dear lord have mercy on you if you are able to participate in what you typed.

i don't know anything about anything~~ but please~~go no contact and get back to you. get some peace. i mean REAL no contact. i mean REAL peace.

and yes, i think he's using. and if he isn't using/using...he is using YOU. don't let him.
prayers!

mstrust

i don't take it wrong. it really messes with me and yes, when you get down to it, i let it. i do not know how i am able to even remotely participate. i don't. i will sit there and actually start thinking for a moment that something i say will make sense, that somehow any of this will make sense. it won't. this is turning out to be the hardest thing for me to let go of--thinking anything will make sense, that i can use reason or logic, that he will get real, etc. harder than letting go of my anger. harder than letting go of the hurt. all of it.

AnvilheadII

i think i have a very stubborn, very irrational hope that someday he will actually get real and talk to me.

and say WHAT? what is it you hope to HEAR from him?

as the saying goes, when people show us who they are, BELIEVE them.
instead of waiting for him to CHANGE, assess him exactly as he is NOW. cuz this is what you are buying.....we don't buy a '74 pinto and HOPE that one day it was transform into a corvette.

what is your fear that keeps you from letting him go?

mstrust

what i hope to hear is the truth. about what has happened since he has been gone. i hope one day he will "see"... you know, have a realization/epiphany/awakening and truly engage in recovery. that we will be able to TALK. you know, he says something, i respond, he says another thing...calmly and rationally and honestly. it is a pipe dream, for lack of a better term.

what is my fear???? i don't know. some fear i will make a mistake? a fear that i can't handle THOSE emotions? how can i handle this??? this is indefinite hell and confusion. really letting go would be temporary and i hardly think a year from now i would be filled with regret about it. truly, sometimes i feel like i'm on the edge of the cliff, about to jump, and something just stops me. it is what i am struggling with in therapy right now. exactly what you said...why the heck i don't just let go. WHY?!?!?!?!

zoso77

Yup.

He's an addict. You're a codependent. And you're both playing your respective roles. Or to be more direct, you are choosing to remain a partner in a dance that has no end unless you choose to walk off the floor, out the door, and not look back.

What's stopping you?

ZoSo

peacedove

can't make sense from nonsense. it isn't going to happen. ever. it only gets worse.
you mention not participating but actually you've spent how long thinking about all this??? seriously think about where your brain has been for how long??? all about him! again! and every time this is the way it will be.
i get you hate to let go. it is hard! excruciating! BUT it can be done. you have to reach a point where you are so dern tired there is no way you can continue. girl, one read through on one post of the events of one text session was enough for me to feel tired. god bless you.

IF and WHEN you are able to go NC and break free...in a while you will see...the A was actually not providing you with anything much at all other than what...a body in the room or a voice in the room...this is just about what i have boiled it down to out of everything i thought in the beginning. i'm still here and i'm ok. the tv is turned up loud and there are voices all over the room! if i want to see more bodies than my own i can walk outside, down the street, go to the store, go visit someone, take a trip--whatever! i can take care of me just fine!! do not FEAR letting go. you should FEAR what is happening to you as he chips away at you over time/text/letters and so on.
it isn't easy to make the decision and you will when you need to.
prayers!

atalose

It does sound like he is using again. And like the instant gratification he gets from the drugs he wants that same instant gratification from you.

I think confusion come from NOT living in reality, holding onto a fantasy then trying to make any little thing fit that fantasy because there really is nothing confusing about reality. Do we like the reality, of course not it’s so much less painful to grasp onto the fantasy and push all that pain away for another day.

The reality and facts are right in front of you he’s an opiate addict and he got a prescription for a whole month of codeine. He’s doing what active addicts do with crazy talk and behavior.

You can make the choice to block his # and be done with feeling perplexed and angry.

And then one day if he ever truly embraces recovery and decides he wants to talk to you as a mature adult, you can make that choice as well if you want to or not but right now he’s pulling you down that hole with him.

mstrust

i know. my brain has been tied up with this s**t. this everlasting as long as i keep dancing, as zoso says, s**t. i am defining insanity all on my own. i let the things he says make me feel guilty. make me feel wrong. make me feel to blame. i think i've gotten stronger and this makes it clear i have so much further to go. and yes, as long as i listen to him, respond to him, i will NOT get better faster. i will get worse though.

i do not fear being alone. that is the truth. i have no problem with it actually. it's letting go of this. what i thought this could be. what it never really was. what i hoped for. what i keep thinking MIGHT be possible, but never materializes.

peacedove, i do feel tired. physically, emotionally. and what is awful is getting used to stuff like this to the point where it doesn't even faze me all that much. it's sick. i sleep for ten hours at a time. i do the bare minimum i have to do to engage with my life and other people. i have nothing left at the end of the day. sick.

Katiekate

mstrust

Blah, blah, blah.

He is your ex, it's all crap.

All of it!

Turn that texting off. Ewww

peacedove

ya know, i have no idea if this will help you or not but i will go back in my mind for just a min if it does.
i remember the night i left the home my ex and i were renovating/he was living in with the boys. the last, last night where everything was as CLEAR as a bell as it ever was that my dream, him, our plans, the family, a plan of marriage, of any little thing you can name or think of was OVER without a doubt...my heart was pounding out of my chest, i was crying, i was shattered, i was everything you or i could think of because it had CRASHED in front of me. i KNEW i could no longer do it. i just knew it. no matter how much i loved, how much i believed, how much i wished or wanted or hoped--my self protect, get the heck out of dodge had kicked in. finally. finally. it got me home, it got me through the next oh so many days. yes, it has changed since then with the grief and everything else but NC and education and working on me has gotten me to where i am now.
i was so friggin confused you have no idea. i still do not recognize what i was doing with him--who was that person i had become? who was THAT??? it was not me! yes, i was there but the whole scene/him/chaos/confusion/instability/lies/manipulations/games took me to a place i had never, ever been before. it happened soooo fast, too.
IF you want to find you again, be whole, be happy--please go total NC. i believe it's the only way to get through. my opinion.
if it helps then it helps.
you deserve more than you are allowing yourself to have. all you have to do is decide you want it.
it's what i did.

mstrust

katiekate... i guess i was still hoping something was going to work out. and with his recent communications with me, prior to the blah blah blah, i bought into it a little more. shouldn't have. now here i am again.

peacedove...it does help. thank you. really.

why i can't accept that something is never going to make sense no matter how hard i try, god only knows. on the one hand, i know i deserve better, on the other, his ridiculous words that i absorb? well, i let those words make me feel like i don't.

MiSoberbio

I can't get in your head and say "You are doing X because of Y," but I can share some of what's been going on in MY head, and maybe it will help you.

In my case (4 years in a relationship with a person addicted to various substances) what I thought was love, was not. There might be/have been love between us, but all the madness (his and mine), the obsession, the confusion, the BELIEVING, was not love. It was illness, it was compensating for a terrible hole in my own soul, it was a desperate attempt to avoid reality; it was fantasy, pure fantasy.

And there were chemicals (such as adrenaline) flooding my brain, causing my own mechanisms of self-care and preservation to operate poorly. Deep inside I knew that I was wrong, I knew that I was fixated on some perverse dream that was sucking the life out of me, but still felt obligated to "go the distance." I thought it was MY JOB to stand by, be strong, to not give up hope, even though every single person in my life who loved and cared for me could see how much I was damaging myself.

On this site, we often talk about how hard it is to see our loved one(s) destroy themselves through their addiction. But many of us fail to understand that we are destroying ourselves, as well. Our friends see it, and they try to help us, but many of us ignore the warnings and advice of others. It's because we've become addicted, as well -- our reality is askew, and just like our substance-addicted loved one(s) who cannot really see the damage they are doing to themselves, neither can we. Part of our sickness is that we don't believe that we're sick.

What I thought was love was just an excuse for me to avoid facing the reality of my situation. I turned love into a shield to deflect any criticism, any doubt, any denial of my twisted fantasy. I was destroying myself, and the relationship with my addicted partner was not the problem -- it was a SYMPTOM.

Towards the end, I was terrified to let go. I had built a fortress made of what I thought was love, and I was imprisoned within it. I would walk in the world, do my work, buy my groceries, etc., but I was not participating in reality. I felt separate, isolated, and I felt nothing in common with anyone. I did not feel human.

My past was my present – I was living, and reliving, over and over, the anguish and uncertainty that had left deep scars in my psyche. I couldn't break free, partly because I couldn't see the patterns, and partly because I had such a confused idea of what love really is....

I think I can say, at this point, that I have finally left my fortress, but I still need time to put more distance between me and that prison that I constructed. The air is different here in the real world, the sun feels warm and the horizon expands in all directions. When I left, I was crawling, but now I am running away as fast as I can.

EverHopeful721

It's hard to accept because we think if we can just make sense of it, we can figure out what the problem is and how to fix it. And it's hard to let go because we want to believe they've changed, we want to believe they'll finally treat us the way we deserve, we want to believe that we'll be able to have the kind of life with them that we always imagined... But sooner or later (and it's usually later and because the pain of hanging on has finally become greater than the pain of letting go), we have to let go of the dream. As you said, it's the dream of what we thought it could be, but never really was. It's what we hoped for, what we kept thinking MIGHT be possible, but never materialized.

It's already affecting your physical and emotional wellbeing. I pray you find the strength to let go before it gets any worse. You deserve so much better than this, than having to play by the nonsensical rules of an addict!! One night a few weeks ago, I told my therapist, "I feel like I lost at a game that I didn't even know I was playing...." There's just no winning with an addict....we are always going to be the ones who LOSE. And what do we lose? OURSELVES.

zoso77

Actually, it does make sense from 10,000 feet up.

He's an addict. And he's behaving like one. It's that simple.

One thing that really helped me at the end with my AXGF was whenever a question popped into my head regarding her past behavior, I learned to answer it with "Because she's Borderline, and she's an addict." Otherwise, you drive yourself nuts trying to figure out why they do what they do.

So, as gently as I can, I'm telling you don't try to figure it out. There's nothing to figure out, really. He's an addict, and this is what addicts do.

Stop the dance. Walk off the floor, out the door, and away from the madness. Be done with it...

...and love yourself enough to give yourself the chance to heal.

ZoSo

EverHopeful721

WOW, MiSoberbio, just......WOW. I read your post three times in a row, because I so identified with everything (and I mean everything) you said. I may have to print that out so I can keep referring back to it. Thank you for sharing such an amazing, insightful post.