Redwoodgirl

I am relieved that I found this site. My husband of 22 ys walked out of an intervention 6 months ago. I have spent the last 10 years (although here and there prior, as well) supporting him in outpatient treatment, cleaning up his messes, yelling at him, threatening him, loving him, and doing damage control as best I could while he apparently was not very serious about recovery. His addictions moved outside of just substances. I think he was even addicted to having secrets. Much of this has come out since he's been gone. When he first left, a man from AA let him stay in a house he had which was vacant, and he stayed there for almost 5 months. By the time he left he apparently had trashed the place and busted the furnace. He is almost 50, and I am hearing that he is acting like he's 13. He has refused to give me any financial support and hardly spends any time with our child, who is really devastated and feeling abandoned, and has said, "My Daddy's a stranger". My confusion comes in because I am wondering how much of his behavior is addiction-related and how much is just plain narcissism. The narcissism has been mentioned by 2 therapists, and he is on medication to stabilize his mood. I am also wondering if there's really any difference between the 2. My heart has not only been broken, but shattered by his behaviors and what has come out since he left. Of course it is all my fault, I was controlling and manipulative and abusive, according to him. I feel, however, that all the gaslighting, splitting the harddrive on the computer, secret phone calls, pills, etc., was extremely abusive and I wonder if I will ever trust anyone again. The pain is excrutiating at times-we have been together so long, and have been through a lot of other life challenges. Plus I am the only one here to help our child try to make sense of all of this, and it breaks my heart more to see that damage and I worry about the future impact.

ClearLight

Welcome!

You might like the forum for Friends and relatives of addicts:

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Good luck

least

I'm sure you know you can't make him want to change. That has to come from him. The only thing you can be responsible for is how much of this abuse you will put up with. I don't know about you, but if my child said "my daddy is a stranger" I think I'd look again at the relationship between me and the child's father.


Take a look at the forum Clearlight mentioned. It's full of lots of insight from people who have been in your shoes.

honeypig

Redwoodgirl, sorry you have the need to be here but glad you found SR. There are a lot of folks with some really serious experience, strength and hope to share, and you will find comfort here.

The family and friends forum that was linked to is great, and don't miss the stickies at the top of the section for some very useful links to other threads and suggestions for reading materials.

You might like this section, too Spirituality - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information as it has some beautiful daily postings of a poem or prayer, a peaceful and uplifting way to start your day.

Again, welcome.

Dee74

Hi redwoodgirl.

I'm deeply sorry for your situation, but I know you'll find a lot of support here

I think sometimes when things get that bad it doesn't really matter whether it's alcoholism, mental illness, narcissism or just plain badness...it's just not good.

I think there comes a time when you need to stop thinking about his welfare - sounds like he's plotted his course... and look instead to your welfare and that of your childs.

D