TiredLady

Hi everyone, thanks so much for being here. I am learning a lot, and it's helping me through this breakup - I am amazed at how little tears I've shed this go-around, every other time I've left him the waterworks were cranked to the max. I think I am all out of tears for this guy.

Anyways, I have some questions:

Is "quacking" when they try to medically explain away their addiction, like a quack doctor ("The tequila helps take the edge of my back pain!") or is it just whenever they are talking whilst inebriated?

When I first met him, I was really drawn to him, it was weird. At the time, I was on a "Man-battical" and wasn't going to date for a year, just work on myself and my relationship with God, family and friends. I had been pretty into it until I met him...I remember laying on the sofa after he gave me his number, trying to decide to contact him or not, and getting this strange, sort of ominous feeling. However, I ignored that sense of foreboding and eventually called him, because I felt so intensely attracted. Is this common with drunks and codependent people?

I have gained a ton of weight throughout this relationship. I was always a chunk but now I am legitimately fat, and I don't want to be anymore. I have always struggled, my weight has always been an obsession, and I don't want it to be. Like my handle says, I am a tired lady. It's like the fat is a physical embodiment of my internal sadness...so, should I go to Overeaters Anonymous? Or are the essentially same issues covered in Al-Anon? Now that he's finally gone, I feel free and want to do all this stuff, but I also know too much, too soon can be overwhelming and screw up chances for success.

Will I always be attracted to drunks and troubled people? What I have always craved, ever since I was a little girl, was closeness with someone. Even then I didn't really have it, I always felt isolated and weird. Can I move on from this and someday (not any time soon) have that kind of close relationship with someone? I've been reading these Melody Beattie books and it's like being educated on how to "be a person". I never realized how much of what I think, feel and do is abnormal.

Thanks for any advice you all can give. This is new territory for me, and I truly appreciate and respect the wisdom that is shared here.

LexieCat

"Quacking" is just the ridiculous things that come out of an alcoholic's mouth. It doesn't have to be while he is inebriated--dry alcoholics often do the same thing. Often it takes the form of blaming you for their problems (blaming anything/everything for their problems, except, of course, themselves or the alcohol). It might mean starting fights/arguments so they can feel justified in their drinking, it might be just plain crazy talk. That's why it doesn't make sense to argue with an alcoholic. Quacking is pseudo-communication that is best not taken to heart or taken seriously. It's very easy, until we recognize it for what it is, to take those statements as true, or maybe true, or as a reflection of what they really think of us. It's part of what can make us crazy, ourselves, if we let it affect us.

As far as the weight gain goes, I dunno. I gained a whole lot of weight during my first marriage, and around the time of my first divorce I lost 65 pounds without too much difficulty (over the course of a year). Not everyone with a weight problem has an eating disorder. I can't say whether OA is what you need (if you are unsure you could go to some meetings). You might try consulting with a doctor who can give you advice on nutrition and exercise, and work on changing some of your living habits.

Often partners of alcoholics wind up with some degree of depression, and overeating might have been a response to that. You might find yourself able to tackle the weight issue on your own (with a little help from a doctor or nutritionist). I can tell you that losing weight was GREAT for my own sense of self-worth.

No, I don't think you can conclude at this point, anyway, that you will "always" be attracted to drunks and troubled people. Not everyone who winds up in a relationship with an alcoholic is co-dependent. I was married to two alcoholics, but I don't think I have a particular attraction to troubled people. I was a budding alcoholic, myself, and I think that was the initial attraction for me. We were drinking buddies.

I think going to Al-Anon will help you sort out your feelings and give you strength to build a healthier life going forward. To the extent you develop your own sense of self-awareness, you will be better able to choose relationships in the future that will be good for you.

Pelican

For me, Alanon helped me gather tools to function as a healthy adult in all my relationships: professional, personal, and intimate.

I wasn't sure Alanon was going to be for me since I had already decided to leave my alcoholic. I listened to the advice of a seasoned Alanoid when she told me to try 6 meetings before I decide if Alanon is right for me. Within 6 meetings, I knew I was where I needed to be.

I also found inspiration in reading Melody Beattie's self-improvement books. "Codependent No More" took more than one reading to sink in. I keep a copy to re-read from time to time as my codependent tendencies are something I continue to with.

I realized my man picker was broken after my second marriage to another alcoholic. Alanon, SR and self-improvement books have helped me find the tools to re-wire the faulty equipment!

Stick around and keep reaching out for support!

SolTraveler

I had gained weight too over the course of my two disastrous marriages and many pregnancies (I have three kids - #4 to be born soon and have had 4 miscarriages). Let's see - over the years, I gained an astounding 115 pounds - went from a size 6 to a size 22. My self-esteem hit rock bottom.

After I got rid of ex #2 I lost 65 pounds and was back down to a size 14 before I got pregnant again. It can be done. I fully intend to lose the rest of the weight after the baby is born. I have to do it for me.

A great book to read is "Boundaries" - I apologize - I can't remember the author offhand but it has a red pencil on the cover. It explained a lot to me about why I keep attracting losers. If it doesn't work out with ABF - and let's face it, the chances are slim - I plan to do what you originally set out to do and just leave dating alone for a very long time. I have to break this vicious cycle and it sounds like you do too!

Good luck to both of us, I guess!

Hugs-

Alex

LexieCat

Oh, and one other thing that qualifies as quacking--placating statements about how s/he has now "really seen the light" and now will be able to control his/her drinking. Empty promises, IOW. We want SO badly for them to "see the light" that it's easy to get wrapped up in hoping we can believe it this time.

butterfly2013

Hi TiredLady,

Wow, your post really resonated with me because I am experiencing many of the same things you are. Although I have been broken up with my AEXBF for nearly two years, I feel as if I have finally "opened my eyes" to so many things----the extend of his drinking, his crappy parenting, my ex's continuing emotional abuse, his quaking, my codependency. (Although we are no longer in a relationship, we have a young son. I now understand that we have continued these very unhealthy traits despite the breakup.)

When I first met my ex, I also experienced a sense of foreboding. My gut told me to run far, far away! My ex repeatedly asked me out for over six months, and I said no over and over again. Finally, I agreed to go on a date with him because I asked myself, "Well, what's the worse that can happen?" I just DID NOT LISTEN to my intuition! The best thing that came out of the relationship was my beautiful son, but I would not wish the five years of cheating, lying, craziness, drunkenness, verbal abuse upon anyone.

I know it's easy to get overwhelmed, but you can think about tackling everything one step at a time. These days, sometimes I think about putting one foot in front of the other just to get through the day. But I know that other members here have said over and over again that it gets better with time. Try to focus on you and your happiness.

Take care, TiredLady!

LifeRecovery

Great writing above so I will not touch on the whole thing.

I have had an eating disorder. In the midst of working on my recovery, I met, married and eventually left a man with the disease of alcoholism.

I have not done OA (there is not any in this town), I have done Al-Anon, and my food behaviors were helped immensely, I suspect because I started to learn about detachment, boundaries and what is mine and what is not.

There are other ways though....for me though anything that helped one aspect of recovery, tended to help another part of it too.

Please if you are concerned introduce yourself on the eating disorder sides....there is one active on codependency now going.