I'm really trying...I think?
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 55
I'm really trying...I think?
I've only been a part of this community for a little over a week. But already, in that time, I've come to accept that my GF does have a problem. After much reading and posting, I felt I was ready to start with the steps, though I have yet to go to a meeting. I do want to try a face to face meeting soon too.
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.
It took some convincing and pondering over what others here had to say, but yes, I did finally come to the epiphany that alcohol has become an unmanageable part of my life.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
This one was even harder for me, and I think I am still working at it. I initially had my AGF move in with me, thinking I could help her. At the time I thought it was more "help" with her depression, but as time passed, I saw that the larger problem was with alcohol.
At first, i tried to control it. I asked her to drink less, but this only led to lies and deception.
Now, I don't try to control her, but things are slowly getting worse. She may still hide things (I try very hard not to think about that). I don't look for hidden bottles anymore. I don't count her drinks anymore (though I catch myself slipping up with that one still).
But I fear that she sees this as weakness and/or apathy. I fear that she uses my ambivalence as a testing ground to see how far she can push things before I say something.
So yes, I am very much still working this question and step. And a larger part of this question, for me, is when do I ask her to move out? In a sense, I feel like that action is the true acceptance of my inability to control her, because as long as she is here, it suggests I think something might change.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
This is another hard one for me, as I still expect my AGF to react similarly to me when "bad things" happen due to her drinking. Of course, this is never the case.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
I do accept that it is a disease. The way I deal with my AGF has changed since I came here, but I don't think I've changed enough. I have stopped trying to control her drinking, and I avoid talking about her drinking, but I still think I am enabling her nontheless.
For instance, she doesn't have her own car, so I drive her to work, etc. When she needs alcohol, she'll usually ask to go to the supermarket for stuff, and then when we are in the parking lot, she'll offhandedly mention the liquor store. It's almost always veiled behind a smokescreen of a fake question: "Is it okay if I go get something at the liquor store."
This is a joke because she has already gone behind my back to get alcohol, so even if I say no, she;ll find a way.
I guess on this front, my question is, do I refuse to drive her there (or let her go get it if we are in the parking lot)? I feel like that is trying to control her (especially knowing she'll find a way to get it anyway), but at the same time, it also feels like enabling.
I'll stop here, because there are a lot of questions, and this will become too long. Plus, I think I'm still stuck on some of the above.
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.
It took some convincing and pondering over what others here had to say, but yes, I did finally come to the epiphany that alcohol has become an unmanageable part of my life.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
This one was even harder for me, and I think I am still working at it. I initially had my AGF move in with me, thinking I could help her. At the time I thought it was more "help" with her depression, but as time passed, I saw that the larger problem was with alcohol.
At first, i tried to control it. I asked her to drink less, but this only led to lies and deception.
Now, I don't try to control her, but things are slowly getting worse. She may still hide things (I try very hard not to think about that). I don't look for hidden bottles anymore. I don't count her drinks anymore (though I catch myself slipping up with that one still).
But I fear that she sees this as weakness and/or apathy. I fear that she uses my ambivalence as a testing ground to see how far she can push things before I say something.
So yes, I am very much still working this question and step. And a larger part of this question, for me, is when do I ask her to move out? In a sense, I feel like that action is the true acceptance of my inability to control her, because as long as she is here, it suggests I think something might change.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
This is another hard one for me, as I still expect my AGF to react similarly to me when "bad things" happen due to her drinking. Of course, this is never the case.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
I do accept that it is a disease. The way I deal with my AGF has changed since I came here, but I don't think I've changed enough. I have stopped trying to control her drinking, and I avoid talking about her drinking, but I still think I am enabling her nontheless.
For instance, she doesn't have her own car, so I drive her to work, etc. When she needs alcohol, she'll usually ask to go to the supermarket for stuff, and then when we are in the parking lot, she'll offhandedly mention the liquor store. It's almost always veiled behind a smokescreen of a fake question: "Is it okay if I go get something at the liquor store."
This is a joke because she has already gone behind my back to get alcohol, so even if I say no, she;ll find a way.
I guess on this front, my question is, do I refuse to drive her there (or let her go get it if we are in the parking lot)? I feel like that is trying to control her (especially knowing she'll find a way to get it anyway), but at the same time, it also feels like enabling.
I'll stop here, because there are a lot of questions, and this will become too long. Plus, I think I'm still stuck on some of the above.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Yep. Once you/we are down flat on [y]our back, in the ditch . . . the only way you see is Straight Up.
That must be The Way to go.
Are you there yet, or still trying wiggle around?
As far as the internal ponderings, inner dialog and of enabling, etc. Do not worry too much, it will pass, and here is one the Promises to look Forward to . . . one of the AA promises -- Yeah, it is AA, but works on this side, as well.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
Gets you-sef ready to grab that and make it your own.
No rush, but whenever you are ready to stop thinking and start doing . . .
Advance to Step 2.
That must be The Way to go.
Are you there yet, or still trying wiggle around?
As far as the internal ponderings, inner dialog and of enabling, etc. Do not worry too much, it will pass, and here is one the Promises to look Forward to . . . one of the AA promises -- Yeah, it is AA, but works on this side, as well.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
Gets you-sef ready to grab that and make it your own.
No rush, but whenever you are ready to stop thinking and start doing . . .
Advance to Step 2.
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