Hanginginthere1

Hello Everyone,

I'm new here and I could use some help and advice. Thanks!

My husband and I have been married for 3 years. We're both in our early 30s. I'm literally the good girl: very little drinking, no drugs ever, never smoked a cigarette in my life. He on the other hand has a very addictive personality and has always experimented with drugs, which I didn't really know about him when we got married. I guess I was just extremely naïve.

Two years ago things got really bad and over the course of 6 months he moved from occasional weed to pain killers to heroin. He overdosed and I found him. The OD was his bottom and he swore to himself never to take drugs again, went to counceling and has been sober for 2 years now.

I worked on my co-dependency as he recovered but I'm very traumatized by what happened and I think I need a lot more time to heal. I have huge anxiety about the tiniest things he does. I criticize his lifestyle daily sometimes. It's mostly his on-again off-again smoking that I can not handle but it's also things like energy drinks, too many sodas, too much working out, too little working out, you name it. I just picture him dying a lot. I'm trying to work on this and have even been thinking about going on anti-depressants for a while to get this under control.

My husband is a wonderful caring person but when I start nagging about those random little things and tell him I'm worried about him and can't shake off the past quite yet, he usually has little understanding for my problems and sometimes blames me for making life hard for him and making him feel guilty because of what happened. Sometimes he literally tells me to finally get over it and to go to therapy and that it is MY problem, not his, which makes me so mad and resentful towards him. So our relationship dynamics are causing a lot of drama and we fight a couple times a week sometimes. When things are good they're great but when they're bad, they seem like the end of the world to me and once I start going I can not stop.

Well, now today it happened and he relapsed. He got some weed from a friend and smoked it. I could tell and asked him about it and he told me right away. It wasn't so much the fact that he smoked weed that freaked me out. It was the fact that it seemed like his attitude had changed and he didn't act like it was a bad thing. He just pointed out that there is an issue every day and that there is nothing he is allowed to do and that this was just one of many examples. I tried to explain to him that this is a major thing to me and that drugs are the cause of my anxiety and control problems but he really seemed just kind of tired and annoyed and didn't give this the importance it obviously deserved. It felt like I was just complaining about yet another thing, which seemed completely crazy to me given our history. It was as if I had desensitized him with all the other little stuff. He kept saying he won't do it again because it isn't worth the drama but what does that mean? Am I the only thing holding him back? He used to WANT to be sober. And I think that's still how he feels, he just wanted to fight with me and not admit it was wrong I think.

I don't even know what the main issue is for me right now. Am I overreacting? Am I going crazy? Have I been driving him nuts with all my health paranoia and maybe hindering his recovery in a way? I want him to stay sober because HE wants to of course but with me in the picture it seems to make things harder for him because he feels so restricted. I realized two years ago that I never want to be dragged down with him again and he knows that drug use is my boundary but I love him of course and I'm not going to throw in the towel because of a relapse. As long as he still wants to be sober, a relapse isn't going to undo everything. At the same time though I already know that what happened now is just going to make things even harder for me. More thoughts about drugs, more anxiety, less trust, more paranoia. What should I do? I have no idea where to go from here.

Thanks!!

cynical one

Therapy with a counselor that specializes in codependency and control issues.
Your post made me want to use...and I'm not an addict.

Faithlove

You're not crazy!

Of course you have trust issues; you're married to an addict who has already OD'd one time.

And, being a codie myself, those issues (I used to think) would be best kept under control......my control. But, we can't control evertything and we can't change our spouses.

Also, you're not the cause of his relapse. He used because he wanted to.

I'd suggest you going to counseling and Al-Anon.

Glad you're here!

zoso77

Here's a different way of looking at it.

If you're literally powerful enough to cause his relapse, don't you think you're powerful enough to make him stop using?

lesliej

Just like you are not the cause of his relapse he, ultimately, is not the cause of your anxiety. I had a REALLY hard time getting to understand this! (and to be honest I did NOT want to hear it!) If you start working on your own recovery (reading books on codependency, sticking around SR and going to meetings like al anon..) then you will discover that you can find your OWN peace and serenity instead of letting it be under the control of his addictions.

incitingsilence

Have you accepted that you do not have any control? Accepted that the addiction might kill him? I had to find this so early on to make any attempt to save myself.

That is a huge key to the puzzle finding acceptance … and also realizing that yes YOU are YOUR problem, not him. Your reactions to him are because of you. Drugs aren’t your issue, him using isn’t an issue…. And no just as you can’t use him to stay sick, he can’t play that game either …

So what it is about you that drives you to worry as you do, think as you do, react as you do? Also what are you getting out it all, because you are getting something, like a addict needing a fix, he is yours in some way. Is he a distraction …. my husband was an awesome distraction then I didn’t have to look at myself and how bad I was physically, mentally and spiritually … And was the perfect blame too as to why I was as I was … All heroin’s fault … And I was a mess and I wasn’t even using . Well until I stopped focusing on him and then was left with myself, and I went maybe where I should have for my best chance to learn.

It might be hard to understand but knowing both sides I would want to use too, and while maybe not a good enough excuse, if you aren’t using, if you proved you have been clean and the changes are evident, well it gets old real quick being accused of, or treated as, or worried over constantly. It will effect how you treat him, and most likely in some respects you are treating him as if he isn‘t capable of taking care of himself, knowing what is good and bad for him … even this lapse, not a bad thing for him, he could/will learn from it big time. Don‘t provide distraction, opinion … allow him to learn. At some point for any relationship such as this, you have to let the past go and move forward, because if not you won’t have any kind of good in your life. And that has nothing to do with if the relationship survives. It is about finding you for your best chance, not for an our best chance, no yet anyway, maybe in time but not now.

I have said before and will again, them getting clean and them finding some recovery won’t fix those who watch. As if they have that power….just like we don’t to fix them, or to be any cause.

Kindeyes

This was so very important that it bears repeating. He is not the cause of your anxiety. His using and relapse are not the cause of your anxiety. I can certainly understand why you feel traumatized by discovering him OD'd. Very understandable.

There is a way to find serenity whether he chooses to use or not.....when you're ready.

gentle hugs
ke

AnvilheadII

I realized two years ago that I never want to be dragged down with him again and he knows that drug use is my boundary but I love him of course and I'm not going to throw in the towel because of a relapse.

you have two diametrically opposed statements in the above.
first, you state you have a boundary, NO DRUGS. then you immediately contradict that by saying that because you LOVE him, relapsing on drugs is ok.

and therein lies YOUR personal conflict. in a sense, this isn't about HIM at all.....you are at war with yourself, with your own values and ideals. you seem to have strong feelings against: drugs, smoking, energy drinks, soda pop, proper level of workouts, among other things. AND YET you managed to pick and marry a man who did or does ALL these things. and more. on a daily basis, by your own admission, you get on him relentlessly for just about everything.

what if.....instead of keeping him under the microscope, you began to put the focus on yourself. are you living up to your own standards? are you upholding your own boundaries? is your life in order? are you healthy in body mind and spirit? are there things about you that you choose not to look at and instead deflect by analyzing him to the point of obsession? i was going to say that it appears you don't even really KNOW this person to whom you are married very well.......but i think it's perhaps more that you don't know your own self that well, and so you have no stable center from which to operate.

Shutterbug1

You DID NOT cause this and please don’t let him convince you that you did. He used because he wanted to and he was using before you came into his life. My XAB tried to make me think that is was wrong for me to react to his using. He wanted me to just accept it like a doormat. Why? Because he wanted to use without experiencing the consequences of his actions and he would do anything to protect number his number one priority, getting high. He actually had me believing that I had an anger problem, worried too much, was insecure etc. When I talked to others about this they set me straight. People who have known me my whole life said it was laughable to think I had an anger problem…I am actually one of the calmest and most patient people they know and who wouldn’t be angry about someone deceiving them regularly? Who wouldn’t have insecurities and worry after experiencing the turmoil and chaos of addiction? This can drive you crazy and you can wind up completely focused on his every move because you are constantly looking for signs, because you don’t trust him to be forthright with you and you are desperate to stop the pain from happening again. Maybe some time apart would help? I would suggest using all that energy to focus on yourself and what you need for your life to stable and fufilling. Please take care of yourself and keep in touch…I cannot tell you how much these forums have helped me recently.

allforcnm

It sounds like a very stressful environment for both of you, and since you are both recognizing these “controlling” behaviors as a problem then I think taking some action in regards to them is a good idea.

Also seems like you do have some post traumatic stress,and to me it sounds like a lot of these behaviors are happening out of fear. Fear for his health and safety & most likely your own.When my husband was in recovery I started working with a therapist, and I would highly recommend this to you. Also, if that goes well, but problems still exist in your relationship; perhaps try some marriage counseling. We did this also and it was a huge help in getting through all we had faced in the past. Plus – it pointed us towards the future, and had us working together to achieve our goals.

allforcnm

Hanginginthere1,

Just so there is no misunderstanding, my prior comment about it seeming like you were suffering from some post traumatic stress is not a diagnosis, but only an agreement with some of the factors you mentioned: My original comment about seeing a therapist was in part to explore all of this, and to help navigate the addiction issues with your husband.

Hope4Bella

Just remember you are NOT ALONE..my ex of 20yrs still to this day blames me for not only his addiction but his so called recovery failure... although it has taken me YEARS to get over him and my feelings of guilt (that I should NEVER HAVE HAD) Know that it is NORMAL to feel to blame when they place blame on you for their addiction.... now my daughter is an addict & my ex seems to justify this as MY FAULT STILL however I could now care less about him and can;t help but feel MUCH anxiety and blame for her addiction... I too am in the healing process and may ALWAYS be... but only from hearing of others similar stories am I able to get thru the next day... so ...although none of us may ever heal or understand what it is these drugs do to our loved ones I DO KNOW that as I said... you are NOT alone... and once you begin to accept what is ahead... reaching out for advice and sharing your story sometimes is just enough to get thru the next day... it certainly is not what we had for our future plans but it is better than trying to sort it all out alone... hugs to you .. I live for the day I can share a story of recovery and give others the HOPE I am searching for myself on here..

Ann

Please let's stay on topic and help the newcomer. Debating posts have been removed, please let's share our recovery and try to help.

Hanginginthere1

I can't thank you all enough for your incredibly helpful posts! Thank you SOOO much!!! I just read them all again and again and it feels like something finally clicked. I am my problem and I need to figure out why I do what I do and take steps to overcome this.

And yes, I agree that I probably do have some leftover PTSD. I did therapy for a few months after my husband OD'd and we worked on the emotional trauma but I realize that I'm far from recovered.

What a wonderful place this is. Thank you all for being so welcoming!

Ann

We care, Hanginginthere. We come from various backgrounds and different modes of recovery, but we walk together here and are happy to have you walk with us.

Hugs

Lily1918

this is a post I can most surely relate to.

for me, my recovery has been two steps forward and then three steps back sometimes, but I always try to give myself another step forward.

My ex has been in and out of rehab twice in this last year, I have had seasons of hope for his recovery and seasons of disappointment.

It has always been hard for me to not blame myself for his using. I've always wondered if he would be better off without me. He has tried blaming me for his using, and even though I have believed him on the inside before, I am trying so hard to know in my heart that it isn't my fault. I have told him that there is nothing I can say or do to make him use or stay clean.

I apologize ahead of time if I get a little long winded. I will try to get to the point.

lately, my recovery hasn't been that strong. I have gone though periods of no contact with him, and then broken it and gone back.

just recently I caught him using and he turned it into a huge fight and wanted to get high some more and made me leave his house and he said a lot of hurtful things to my face and about me to others.

I was talking to a friend on the couch and I was crying and hurt and angry because of his actions and words and I felt so mistreated. I told her that I just wanted to go buy a bottle of wine, or go to pick up a bag of weed just for that one day so I could get numb and not have to deal with the way my ex was treating me. so I could not feel the pain of his actions anymore. BUT... I didn't. Not because Im an awesome or strong person, but because I know it would have made it worse. I know one is too many and a thousand is never enough. I know that it would only make everything worse.

he point is that I almost made him my excuse to drink or use, but I chose NOT to. He had shamed and blamed me and been so very mean and hurtful, and yet I didn't use/drink. yes what he did was wrong. very very wrong, but there is nothing that he can do to make me fall.

so it turned a little light bulb on in my mind. it goes both ways.

I understand about not trusting them and wanting to micromanage their lives. But, we have to take a step back and let them do what hey want to do even when we don't agree, but we have to decide for ourselves what we are and are not willing to be around.

Kindeyes

As I've read this thread.....and certainly can relate to it......something dawned on me.

THIS is exactly why my recovery is important to me and everyone around me. If I am standing solid in my own recovery, I will not be sending out my transmission of fear and anxiety to others (including my son).

This thread really helped me to understand that I can't make him relapse BUT I can send out powerful vibes (transmissions) that can cause anyone and everyone around me to become anxious as they pick up on my own fear and anxiety.

This has come at such a helpful time....so thank you for starting this thread. Thank all of you who answered.

We don't cause their relapse but we are all "transmission towers"......I need to send out an energy of healing, health, love, calm, etc.......or I risk spreading my fear and anxiety to anyone and everyone around me. I'm not sure if this makes sense to anyone else but it was an A-HA moment for me this morning.

gentle hugs
ke

incitingsilence

You made perfect sense Kindeyes…
We are some sort of odd transmitter, sometimes with no understanding to if what we are projecting is healthy or not.

I find our eyes give us away the most, they show exactly what we feel and at times in total contradiction to our words … Contempt, shame, fear, anxiety, love, hate, anger, sadness, heartbreak, embarrassment … one may think the mask covers it up, but it doesn’t.



Lily, you have to make sure that no matter what you are protecting your sobriety first. I picked back up watching. Was it his fault, no, but I sure as hell could blame him ( in my head anyway ) because WTF I knew exactly how to find that look of high I saw on his face. It wears on you, and wears on you … or did me anyway. It was all about my reaction, what I was taking personal that wasn‘t and there was no reason too. There was also no reason to give it back either, but I still did. Such sickness.
I think you did good, you knew that it wouldn’t fix anything, what an awesome step forward.

Oh and it is so true what you wrote, we must step back and allow them to find their own way, it is the only way it ever works. Hang in there.

jkooba

This isn't my post and isn't my exact situation, but this comment helped me. Thank you.