PineappleCity

I don’t even know where to start. Am I being a sucker? While I was staying at my friends and trying to make decisions about my own life, my own marriage. I found out he was on heroin. At first he had me thinking he really was only using it once in a while but then he admitted it was on a regular basis. Id been there for weeks with my daughter and had no idea this was going on. I felt selfish because all this time I was focusing on my life and my problems and here he was being kind to us, listening to me, acting concerned worrying about me. He never talked about his problems or this use of drugs. We started having these long talks about him and all that had been happening with him in the years we had been apart only in contact from a distance. It was then like all this emotional stuff came gushing out between us.

I got horribly afraid because of everything that was going on, ending my marriage (nothing to do with him), the police coming to his house, these drugs around me and my daughter and I didn’t know, this emotional connection that was happening between us that has always been there but got much stronger now that we were face to face. I felt like I had to get out of there before I made some huge mistake. I begged him to get some help, and since he is a veteran I started calling to find out what kind of help he could get with the drugs. They have a good program and all basically free to him. I talked to several people, and finally he agreed to go in for an evaluation. I thought this would change things, but he came out of there with a totally different attitude saying he didn’t need their help and wouldn’t detox and go through their program. I was furious with him and told him he was going to die. I packed up me and my daughter and left. He begged us not to but I didn’t know what else to do. We left and came home. Came home to find my husband had his supposed to be ex girlfriend staying at our house. That was my last straw and I went ahead and filed for divorce.

My friend keeps calling me and now says he will go into the program and start with detox but he cant do it because he has no one who will take care of his animals at his place. Now I need to get out of here again. We are going to have to sell this house. I cant pay for it on my own and my husband refuses to leave because even though he is cheating on me, he wants our marriage to work. He is flipping insane. I talked to my mom and they offered for me and my daughter to come and stay with her. But she is remarried and I like her husband but he is not good with my daughter, he cant stand noise, or her playing and messing things up and he makes the tension level sky high, cant imagine living with them and my mom agreed. I told my friend last week that I would come and take care of his animals if he enters their program, but I wanted him to have someone from the veterans call me and tell me when he was going for intake. Today someone called and he he tells me he thinks he is serious, and they can take him in on Thursday.

Am I crazy for going back there? I know he can leave their rehab anytime and if he does then I would have to come back home, but if he is willing to do this, I feel like I need to help him. He has no one there that he trusts and now I know it has been the drugs causing him to shut everyone out, and all his weird ways. The guy I talked to said that he would be in detox for a week, and then they recommend a 30 day inpatient and then a long term outpatient where he would almost be like in rehab school all day. Does all this sound right? I told him that I would make arrangements to come back. What are the chances he will stay in this program? He knows I will leave if he comes back and he is offering to pay our way there and all our expenses while he is doing this.

AnvilheadII

it's a trick, a hook. you blindly took your daughter and went to stay with this man knowing virtually nothing about his REAL life, you'd never even seen a picture of the house. you were very blase when the cops showed up and found the drugs and paraphanalia and you believed him when he said it was just occasional use.

NOW you know that was all a LIE. big fat lie. he was using heroin DAILY while you AND YOUR DAUGHTER were there.

now that you are far away again, he's SAYING he'll go get help IF...if YOU play a part. if you drag your daughter across the country again and go stay with some man you really don't know at all, under the ruse of taking care of his animals.

surely there are other solutions. i suggest you think HARD about these sudden decisions you keep making. do what is best for you and for your daughter. what is the next WISE step to take, that isn't contingent upon what your husband is doing or the drug addict friend. that's called running pillar to post...

Katiekate

Please forgive me if I sound snarky, but it troubles me that you do not want to be with your family because there would have to be a lower noise level with your child, but you are more than willing to go across country and put you and your daughter under the same roof as a junkie.

Herion is very very difficult to kick, even with help, and if he does detox and do the program he will surely be hell to live with for a very long time.

This is addiction, it's hard for me to understand why you would take your child to live with an addcit that has zero recovery time.

outtolunch

Put the best interests of your child first.

Carlotta

Looks like you will be jumping from the boiling pot into the fire. What about you getting your own little place with your daughter even if it is only one tiny studio apartment or a rented room and working on building your own life back up instead of trying to rescue someone else?
Sorry if I sound harsh but you sound just like a younger version of me and I would hate for you and your kid to be stuck with a relapsing addict in a new place with no friends, no support and maybe no job.

zoso77

Yes.

How does the safety and well being of your child factor into your decision making?

ZoSo

PineappleCity

The reason I am going is because he wont be there. If he commits to this VA program then he will not be home for at least 5 weeks. This is what the man I spoke to today told me. One week detox, and a minimum of 30 days inpatient rehab. My daughter wont be exposed to him at all during this time, except I do need him to go over some things about the house, and the animals once we get there so we have to be there on Wednesday early to do this. If he leaves early, then we leave. i guess I will have to end our whole friendship at that point.

Its not that I dont want to stay at my moms it is that she didnt think it was a good idea long term and I am hoping that in 5 weeks time I can make more solid living arrangements, hopefully get my soon to be ex moved out of our house. I have already talked to my attorney and he wasnt very certain it would happen. Im trying not to lose it with my husband for our daughters sake, We have always been good friend me and him. I want it to continue for her sake. But I cannot trust him, cannot see how it could ever work between us again. He is begging me to stay with him but he wont even let go of his girlfriend. ??? Nothing left, no marriage to save for me at this point.

Can I do more than tell my friend for certain if he leaves the VA then I will leave, and our friendship will be over?

peacedove

IMO
this is the same situation as you had before with the same person only a different story. we all encouraged you to leave then and now we say do not go. you have a child. you are a mother.

you indicated five weeks would be enough time for you to make different living arrangements as if you needed his home in order to do so. you can ask your mother how long you can stay with her and work on living arrangements from her house for as long as she agrees to. after all, the man may or may not stay one day in rehab. you don't know. no one does. your mother is able to offer a longer solution to your solution than an addict anyday. if you work actively on getting a different type living situation it will not take too, too long to achieve it. even if it isn't your permanent home it can be temporary until you get a permanent situation set up.

i don not know what anyone else thinks here but to continue on with this man for any reason under the sun is ridiculous. what is happening between you and your husband is one thing but you and this man is another.
he is not safe for your child, his home is not safe for your child, being in contact with him is not in the best interests of your child.

you have other options than this man. use them. he survives without you just fine. always has.

put your child first even if it means a little discomfort for a short period of time.

cynical one

Children need routines and stability. They need their toys, their bed, their room, their home and big people that they can depend on taking care of them.

Is it the best and wisest choice to once again relocate your daughter?

If you can honestly answer "yes" to this question, then by all means go.

Hope4Bella

Unfortunately their kindness is a way to play on your emotions as well as enable them to get you to "help them" and from my past experience .... if and when you cannot "help them" they turn on you so fast and throw any and everything in your face including ANY conversations or emotions you may have shared... I wish I could say I am only going off the experience I have had with ONE addict but sad to say I may have been an addict magnet at some point and the end result with every one of them was the same. I thought I could save them and the fact they needed me was what kept me vulnerable. I however thought as long as no one was hurting my daughter it was ok...but what I didn't realize was that I was hurting her all the time by not putting her 1st.. I know how you feel but in the end ..don't be me with a whole bunch of regrets...take care of your child at ALL costs and in the end you will find happiness and feel good about it... Hugs to you