Tryingtoletgo3

As the date of my divorce hearing comes closer friends and family have approached me with so many rumors as to where my husband is and what is going on with him. I haven't had any contact with him in over a month and had no idea where he was. Our son was in the hospital for 2 days 2 weeks ago and when I contacted him to let him know and to give him the hospital info, he had his lawyer mail me a letter stating to stop harrassing him. That has been the extent of our contact. Rumors have come my way that he is in rehab, he was institutionalized, he ran off with a drug addict ex in another state..... Well, last night I saw him in the grocery store, putting to rest all of the rumors. He is still here and by the look of his swollen face and body, still drinking heavily. He looked terrible and it was devastating to see him that way. He saw me as soon as I saw him and he ran out of the store. I guess facing the pregnant wife and 8 month old son that you ran out on was too much for him. For me, struggling to get over the loss of the man I love, it was a huge set back.

Tuffgirl

Why would you view it as a huge set back? To me, I would think it would be validation! He can't even face you in the grocery store! Sheesh, what a coward.

This man ran out on a pregnant wife and an 8 month old, is drinking himself to death (and God knows what else), runs from you in the grocery store, and you feel a setback?!

Sorry if I sound harsh but good riddance to baggage that as a Mother of very young children, you don't need right now. Someday I hope you look back on this and realize he did you a favor. Too bad it means dragging his wife and children through hell to get here, but better he is gone than torturing you and the boy.

Try to relax and be as stress-free as possible right now, That little unborn baby inside you needs a safe environment to finish growing. And your 8 month old needs a calm and peaceful Mom.

Prayers,
~T

Tryingtoletgo3

The setback was an emotional one. I have been doing so well with letting go and becoming emotionally stable over the loss and I feel like seeing him brought back so many bad memories and negative emotions. It has me feeling like I am back to square one. It also brings back the shame I have struggled with over not being able to stop loving such a horrible man. My head gets it and is so done! My heart aches for him though and I feel like this pain will never end. While we were together I felt responsible for caring for him, like so many of us codependents do. Seeing him looking so badly was hard to take. I know he is ill mentally and I can't seem to be angry with him for what he has done.

wanttobehealthy

Tryingtoletgo3- Your emotions are normal. What we know intellectually and the emotions we feel (if emotions were rational and based on logic then they wouldn't be emotions!) are not always the same. I understand exactly what you are saying. It's easier to move on and try to not hurt about all that you wish you had when you aren't seeing the live example of the nightmare in your life face to face. Let yourself feel. It's okay. Just know too that you are doing what is best for you and your children by not being with him. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Hugs!

BlueSkies1

A month is not a long time to recover from the bond you once had with him. I would try to compartmentalize this. The emotions that hurt are the bond breaking. It hurts. Your head, on the other hand, knows with clear thinking that he is bad news for you. The two conflict. It is ok, it is normal. If you can compartmentalize this stuff, separate it, one as broken heart, one as clear thinking head, then you not only know which to follow, but you won't have to see yourself as conflicting. They are separate. You know which one to follow.
Don't think of yourself as in conflict. Think of them as two separate parts. The heart does not listen to reason. It can't see it, and it can't understand it. It has the goal to renew the bond, until over time with the head leading the way, the heart follows.

atalose

I think it’s normal to have that emotional stir and especially with all the 1st you will be facing.

First time you see him.

First birthday, Christmas. Etc. etc. without him.

I know you love him and wish things could be different but he so many issues facing him that a wife and 2 children may be more then he can bare and vice versa, you and the children will not need all that comes with alcoholism and mental illness. Maybe one day he will seek out the help he needs and work a strong program and get some needed mental healthy support but that day is not today and most likely won’t be tomorrow.

As for friends and family spreading rumors, please ask them not to discuss what they hear on the street with you because it really doesn’t matter. People try and help but often make things worse.

Keep taking care of YOU and your baby, that’s who needs you the most right now!!!!

OhBoy

It had been about 2 months for me the first time I saw my XAW after I filed for divorce and she moved out. During that time there was no real sense of love lost from her. When I saw her, it was obvious she had been drinking. That hurt. Also what hurt was that the marriage was ending. It was not a very good marriage for a long time, but I did my best to hold the whole thing together for a long time. I "took care" of her for a long time. It was a very tough, emotional few days after that dealing with these feelings that seemed to come out of nowhere. Old feelings of taking care of her and our marriage but there was no place for them now. They didn't serve a purpose, but they were still there.

I'm finding that as time passes, and saying to myself its not my responsibility anymore, It's not my place to interfere with her nor do I have the right to do so that I am finding myself more and more. Try to focus on getting myself better. Feelings will come, I have no control over them, it's what I do with the feelings. Do I act upon them or do I recognize them for what they are and let them go, no matter how long it takes. Sometimes it is a hard road but when I get to the other side of them I can look back and realize that it was easier to deal with it than to go down the same road I did for so many years. For me it was (is) really tough to deal with the end of our marriage, but I know it is the right thing and I have to tell myself that it is the right thing for me. I feel that more everyday and everyday I can draw more strength from it.

marie1960

I asked my well mean friends NOT to share any information regarding XA with me.

I did not need to know anything about him.

I was done with that part of my life, and often their meaningless words could set me back.

There will always be the nosy, gossips, you know who they are, if they cannot respect your wishes, simply avoid them.

Sending you strength, we will be here to support you.

Hugs to You and your babies.

fourmaggie

he is sick hun....very sick...and until HE DOES SOMETHING ABOUT IT...this is what happens...

sorry for your loss and others like this...grieve him....

*huggles*

cr995

I think seeing him in that condition should make it more clear that it him who is the problem and not you. My own feelings are similar to yours except I hung around and waited for many many years for things to get better - they got worse, mostly. Today is my 28th wedding anniversary and I still find it hard to let go - but I am getting there. I am now entering a new phase and realising all the good things I missed out on by keeping the alcoholic in my life, the good things that our kids missed out on, - dont be like me. Pain now saves a huge amount of pain later and also at least this pain leads to something positive - not an never-ending nightmare. But yes it is hard and my thoughts are with you. Nobody deserves this .((Hugs)).

Tryingtoletgo3

Thank you all for the support and encouragement. I wish there were a magic fast forward button that would just skip through all of this pain and loss. I am realizing that life goes on and all of my focus is on my kids, the new baby and getting us all to a better place. During this time of healing I am taking the time to learn about me and why I allowed myself to be attracted to such a dysfunctional person and more importantly, why I had kids with him. I am terrified of our court date coming up. Partially because I don't want to have to see him again and go through this emotionally again and more importantly, because he has requested joint physical custody of our 8 month old son. I am hopeful that with 12 years of criminal history and being in and out of prison and jail due to his substance abuse, the recent contact with police for being drunk in public and the recent domestic violence that the judge will order supervised visitation at most. Unfortunately, we have a terrible judge in this county that will more likely just sign off on what he has requested. I know from the time during our marriage that if our son is with him and he is drinking, there is a good chance that he will kill him. For now, all I can do is breathe though and take it one day at a time.

Archangelesk

You said recent domestic violence. Please, please go immediately and file for a protection of abuse order. Go now, do not wait for the hearing. I have seen judges count it against women who claim abuse that they did not avail themselves of the protection that is available. You will see a judge immediately if you go (the way it works in most jurisdictions). Look him or her in the eye and clearly explain the recent abuse and your fear that your husband will murder your child.

You will get a temporary no contact order and have to come back for proceedings to make it last for a longer period (years, depending on the jurisdiction) But the likely result is that you can get a long period of no contact or supervised visits only for your son through this process. It is likely that the court staff will walk you through the process and connect you to a free lawyer for this proceeding.

Tryingtoletgo3

I have a protective order in place. I requested no parenting time in the order, but my husband hurried and filed for divorce before the hearing. He knew that by doing so it would change the court that would hear the case and lump it with the divorce proceedings. So, the hearing was cancelled and the protective order was rolled into the divorce case. We go to court next Friday for the preliminary hearing. Unfortunately, I work in the field and have tons of experience with the judge we will be in front of when it comes to child services. He is lazy and does not look out for the best interest of children. He is well known for dismissing protective orders on file and handing kids to parents who are dangerous. He will flat out tell you that unless a parent kills their kid, the benefit of contact with an abusive/dangerous parent is more beneficial than keeping them from abuse. I am fully expecting him to drop my protective order and grant my husband joint physical custody. My lawyer and I have already planned the appeal process and how long my finances can hold on (judge is retiring this year and new judge will take over next year.) If I can keep appealing until the new judge is sworn in, the case will actually be looked at and a fair decision will be made.

dandylion

Dear Tryingtoletgo, as a mother, myself, I can imagine how you are feeling, right now---and pregnant, too! You must be very strong just to go from day to day and keep your wits about you. Thank heaven you do work in the field so that, at least, you know where the system IS broken! I pray that your lawyer's calculations work out as they should.

Is it too much to hope that your husband shows up in court looking like a drunken mess?

I just want you to know that I send you my support.

I would like to ask if you would keep us informed as to h ow things are going for you. We care about each other on this forum---and, you are going to be in my thoughts.

very sincerely, dandylion

Archangelesk

It sounds like you are doing exacty the right this in a ridiculous situation. As if you haven't been through enough - now you have to be at the mercy of an arbitrary fool. I am so, so very sorry. And angry on your behalf. No wonder you are sick over this situation.

I don't know your jurisdiction, but each state has a disiplinary board for judges and lawyers. One call to them will start an investigation. If this judge has violated the ethics rules of your state, then their group will deal with him at no charge to you. If nothing else, it doesn't hurt to paper the file. Unfortunately, as you know, judges have a great deal of discretion in many areas. But I think that taking the position that a child has to be in mortal danger before he will order supervised visitation is pushing towards an abuse of discretion. (Just my opinion, this is not my area of the law).

Geez - I am sending you warm thoughts.