LoveMeNow

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Letting Go of Fear

Fear is at the core of codependency. It can motivate us to control situations or neglect ourselves.

Many of us have been afraid for so long that we don't label our feelings fear. We're used to feeling upset and anxious. It feels normal.

Peace and serenity may be uncomfortable.

At one time, fear may have been appropriate and useful. We may have relied on fear to protect ourselves, much the way soldiers in a war rely on fear to help them survive. But now, in recovery, we're living life differently.

It's time to thank our old fears for helping us survive, then wave good-bye to them. Welcome peace, trust, acceptance, and safety. We don't need that much fear anymore. We can listen to our healthy fears, and let go of the rest.

We can create a feeling of safety for ourselves, now. We are safe, now. We've made a commitment to take care of ourselves. We can trust and love ourselves.

God, help me let go of my need to be afraid. Replace it with a need to be at peace. Help me listen to my healthy fears and relinquish the rest.

Ann

I lived in fear for so many years that I didn't know how to live any other way.

My codependent fear was based on bad things happening to people I loved, it began when I was 6 years old and my father died, even though I had been his "little nurse" tending his bedside trying to get him well again...nobody told me what cancer was and that he was not going to get better. It happened again when my mother was attacked by a man with an axe, who whacked her so hard with the blunt end that she developed epilepsy...a freak attack by a stranger, and she told me often that if she had not thought of me standing there and knew I would be hurt, she would not have found the strength to grab me and run. All this before I was 7 years old.

Fear became a lifestyle, trying to protect those I loved became an obsession. My son's addiction triggered the worst in me and I almost died trying to save him from that which he could not save himself...his addiction.

One day, sitting in church, I had a "moment". The pastor asked us to take a quiet moment and ask God for something we needed...and I asked God to take away my fear, I told Him how very heavy it was and I didn't want to live like that any more. He did, then and there, my fear was lifted and my life became my own. No miracle, no "hallelujah chorus", just a load lifted because I asked.

Today I am careful about fear. I can discern from wise fear, like keeping my distance when photographing gators, from the fear that eats me alive...worrying about that over which I have no control...the "what if's" and tomorrow awfulizing...I can stop, say a prayer and let the fear go.

When we live in fear as long as I did, it becomes a lifestyle, it becomes a daily experience...and it eats our souls.

No more fear for me, except of gators, and no more living in the darkness called worry.

Thanks LMN for reminding me to say "Thank You" today, to God who took the entire load from me and whom I trust to take care of tomorrow.

Hugs

LoveMeNow

Thank you too Ann for sharing.

I, too, lived in fear for my whole life. I had a very warped relationship with God, believing HE was an angry God, waiting to punish me. As a child, I often heard "God's going to punish you" and I started to believe it.

I, also, had some strange superstitions due to my childhood "religious" education. In hind sight, my fear, not respect, of GOD always gave me a feeling of impending doom but not on a conscious level. I just knew someday I was going to be punished in some way or another. Oh yeah, it was going to be God's fault for the choices I made. Ughhh

I once believed if I could just ignore God, he would ignore me as well. That way I couldn't be punished for my sins. It was all very twisted but not that uncommon in the religion I was raised in. It was a guilt and fear based religion which I believe fed into my already budding codependency.

When I first realized my husband was an addict, my first reaction was to be angry at God. My old thinking had resurfaced for a brief period. But if there is a blessing in all of this, it would be that i have built a new, healthier relationship with my loving God, who will pick me up when I can not do it alone. Time after time, He did for me what I could not do for myself. I love man but trust God for He is my rock and my salvation.

shinebright7

Thanks for sharing LMN and Ann -

This post reminded me of another thread where I was sharing about a reading from Courage to Change that talked about the "nature of our wrongs" as referenced in step 5.

Fear is something that my behavior, thoughts, and words have been born out of many times....

So fear, and the belief "Something bad is going to happen" are part of the "nature" of my wrongs. Where my wrongs comes from in essence.

The codependent behaviors of trying to fix, manage, and control. Those things are born out of my fear.

Something bad will happen.
- If I admit what happened with my dad.
- If I don't get good grades.
- If I cry
- If I am angry.
- If I don't do what my parents want.
- If I speak up and express my opinion
- If I don't listen to my teachers
- If I raise my hand to ask to go to the bathroom after bathroom time was over

These are things I remember thinking before I was 8 years old.

I went on to build my life on a foundational belief that "the world is not safe."

It wasn't until I was in my early 30's when I was sitting in a Borders reading some book by Debbie Ford (maybe?) that I realized that I had felt like a stranger on this planet my whole life. Like walking on eggshells EVERYWHERE lest something bad happen. I just did not feel like I belonged here. I was a visitor and everything around me was not mine, and not safe.

Thank God I don't feel like that anymore. Even though I am going through difficult things in my life with my husband right now, I do not feel like the world is unsafe. I do not feel like a stranger in my life anymore. I do not feel like I don't belong when I walk into a public space.

Now I'm clear that this is MY life and MY world that I BELONG in. I have a right to be here and I feel strong and confident in that.

Do I get scared about the future sometimes? Absolutely. But it's a different kind of fear than what I used to live with 24/7. It's more acute fear than constant fear. It comes and goes -- unlike the fear I used to live with before.

Thanks for posting this. It's helped me remember how fearful I used to be and see the progress I've made so far. It's been huge! Now to keep addressing the acute fear that shows up...and like Ann said, and our lovely step 6 says: humbly ask God to remove all of our shortcomings. Fear's in there for sure. xo