flujays

Hi guys, I'm back again. I left for a few weeks, went on a bender and hate myself again right now. I'm waking up in the middle of the night so worried about what the future holds for me. i go to bed drunk around 9pm. Nobody knows i'm drunk, that's part of the reason i go to bed early, so nobody will catch on. I'm a closet alco. Even my husband doesn't know, he works late - he's a different type of 'holic' a 'workaholic'. I hide my dirty little secret so well, have done for years. But now things are escalating. I feel like i'm on a slippery slope. I'm alone in my worry and grief over this. I go into my kids bedrooms in the early hours of the morning when I wake up after sobering up and just watch their innocent little angel faces as they sleep and wonder how they will look when they grow up, what will they remember of me? They are only 3, 5 and 7 and i'm so affraid I wont see them grow up, walk down the aisle, have their own children or even just see them as happy young adults. I feel so ashamed and so out of control, alone and confused. My kids are the world to me and I want them to love and respect me, but how can they respect me when I'm doing this to myself and don't even respect myself to get a grip for gods sake. Last week i was tipsy when i picked up my youngest from daycare. I didn't drive there as it is 2 doors down from our house so i always walk. But the next day i was horrified at the thought that the teachers may have smelled the wine on my breath. I was also more 'jovial' than usual so I'm terrified somebody noticed and so afraid they might report me to social services. I know I hide it well but I'm paranoid right now. I had 2 weeks sober before all of this and was so positive. I remember where it all started. I wasn't even thinking about drinking and was feeling so strong and positive. I went downstairs to get something from the other fridge and saw all the beer and wine in the fridge. Well that was it. I had done so well that I convinced myself I could have one or two. I was wrong. Sorry for the long post. I needed to pour my heart out. Thanks for listening.

least

I'm glad you're back and giving it another go. Never give up!

Gottalife

Welcome back. I wonder if this experience will help you get a better idea of the nature of your condition. My last bender started as an experiment in controlled drinking. Have a couple of beers and be home by six. I got home by 6 alright, just 4 days later. we call that the phenomenon of craving, once alcohol is in my system, I can't guarantee when I'll stop. I have to keep drinking to feed the craving, and this continues until I drop.

The only solution is to avoid taking a drink, but that's not as easy as it sounds. I was like you, a couple of weeks dry and open the fridge, and there's the booze, and boy, it looks nice, and one or two won't hurt and where the hell is the memory of all the reasons I wanted to stop?!! No effective defence, acn't even remember why I want to stop. Powerless.

If you are like me, you might need some help to beat this.

flujays

Thanks guys, i found it incredibly hard to return to SR because of the shame. I was so darn confident and feeling so strong last time I posted, the thought of coming back on here and admitting defeat yet again was something i really felt like i couldn't do. Thanks for welcoming me back again and for your kind words of support, advice and deep understanding.

instant

Have you read the Big Book? it is free online. I don't go to AA but the reading the book and coming to SR, learning about AVRT made a big difference to me.

The whole shame, guilt , remorse withering confidence, hiding etc is all part of the addiction- it is possible to change the ending of this story- read some of the histories in the Big Book or on SR in the section on the main board

flujays

Funny thing is, unlike lots of alcoholics who avoid starting to go to AA like the plague and deny having a problem until its almost too late, I actually would like to go to a meeting and am obsessively concerned about my drinking to the point of getting up in the middle of the night to 'make a big plan' and read posts on SR (i've made a 'big plan' on AVRT twice and both times I failed setting myself up for either disaster next time or just not do bother doing it again). I like the idea of making a 'big plan' with AVRT but i think you have to be ready (maybe that's just my 'beast' talking.) In order to make a go of AA i would have to let my husband in on my 'dirty little secret' as i call it. But I also understand that AA and any other support group are at odds with the whole concept of AVRT. I'm at a loss to know which road to go down. Ultimately I'm leaning towards making one more 'big plan', but i keep on putting it off in fear of a third failure.

Jeni26

So pleased you're back with us. I can totally relate to your feelings of guilt and shame surrounding your children.

The really good news is that they're still little enough for you to turn this around and build the family life you and they deserve. You've got years of their childhood left and you can be that Mum you so want to be.

Keep posting and I'm sending you a big hug xxx

flujays

Thanks so much Jeni26. I could tell when i read your post that you totally get where i'm at.

DisplacedGRITS

i'm sorry to tell you this but i'd bet the farm that your husband knows about your "dirty little secret." i thought i'd hidden mine so well from my husband but when i opened up to him about it he already knew. he still loves me and he supports my sobriety. if dinner is late because i had to go to a meeting, he makes a snack or takes care of himself so i have the freedom to do what i have to. he's even come to some open meetings with me and he understands why i go. if your husband was struggling with something huge, wouldn't you be sad if he hid it from you instead of asking you to help him? isn't that part of marriage? did he marry you because he loves you? marriage isn't just an arrangement for economic benefits and social normalcy. did you not agree to be there for each other for better and for worse?

if you decide to tell him and hit up some AA meetings, get in there and get a temporary sponsor ASAP while you look around for a long term sponsor. make meetings a high priority in your life and call your sponsor every day. put as much effort into your sobriety as you do to drinking and hiding. you can do it and it feels so good to not hide anymore. i'm happy to see you back on SR and i look forward to sharing some good sobriety stories with you.

mecanix

I'd have found it difficult to have given up alcohol without telling my mum who i look after as a full time live in carer ...
at the very least maybe you could get hubby his own "beer" fridge outside the kitchen so you don't have to look at it every time you get some milk .

In my small experience toxic secrets tend to out themselves eventually i prefer to meet them head on, so i control them , not them control me ..

Dust off that sober bike , get back on and join us

Bestwishes, M

Abetterway

Hi Flujays,
Perhaps it would help to remove all of the alcohol from your home. Today is 515 days sober for me. Doubt I could have made it this far if I hadn't told everyone in my life about my decision to stop. This was not my first try at sobriety but this time I really wanted it and have done what was necessary.
Good luck

neferkamichael

Flujays back. Try not to think that you failed with AVRT. Addiction to a chemical substance is extremely powerful. Your brain has been rewired and overrides rational thinking. The rewiring has occured in the survival, pleasure part of the unconscious brain. You realistically believe you need it to survive. However you can stop. I'm 1023 days sober and I was a drunk for 42 years. Rootin for ya.

oak

I am glad you came back and posted. It helped me so much to read your post! Although I do not have kids, I could relate to a lot of what you wrote- hiding it from my husband, him working late, going to bed drunk so that he did not see me looking that way, drinking alone, no one else but me knowing that I was drunk. I felt so alone with the pain and fear.

I initially lied to him when I went to recovery meetings. I eventually told him and he was supportive. It felt strange hiding recovery! But I did not want him to know that I had been drinking. I felt so much shame. At times, I did not want to tell him because I did not want to stop drinking and telling him made what I was doing more real and less possible to do.

I did talk to a counselor and that helped. Posting here helped too.

You know what it was like to be sober for two weeks. And you know how to get sober- since you've done it. It might help to look at what got in the way of staying sober before- like you mentioned thinking that you could just have one or two since you had been doing so well. Think through what you can do differently next time.

And keep posting.

Do you think your husband would be supportive? Would it help to talk to him?

flujays

all i can say is WOW and thanks. I have felt so alone, but after reading your post, I know someone understands my loneliness and my pain.

flujays

ps; sometimes I don't know what makes me sadder, the feeling that he is so absent in the relationship that he doesn't see what's happening to me or the pain i'm in, or the possibility that he sees it all, but doesn't care enough to approach me about it.

Sasha4

Don't ever feel like that Flujays.
We don't shoot our wounded.
And by feeling ashamed, it only reinforces that alcoholism is some dirty secret. Its not, its an illness.
The only time you need to feel ashamed is when you stop trying. Here you are trying again.

xx

DisplacedGRITS

for my husband, it wasn't that he didn't care. he was just really afraid of what was happening and on how to approach me. i would get mad at the slightest insinuation that i'd been drinking so if he came to me and said he thought i was an alcoholic, who knows how i'd react. he also came to know that i had to want to get sober for myself. he knew he couldn't ask me to go to AA or tell me that i needed to be there because i would resist him just for the sake of resisting. you shouldn't assume that your husband doesn't care. don't project your feelings on him. you can get sober. you just have to want it more than you want to drink. that means you're going to be uncomfortable at times and frustrated. learn to cope with those feelings that doesn't involve drinking. there's tons of stuff you can do. posting here has helped me a lot in the past. calling my sponsor, while amazingly difficult, helps me too. meetings are my favorite part of my day. my brain switches gears when i'm in a meeting and a lot of the stress of everyday life falls away for that hour. it's my safe haven.

whatever happens, your husband shouldn't be a factor in whether or not you get sober. he's going to be around whether your drunk or sober. the problem with being drunk is that he's either going to continue avoiding you or he'll finally get tired and scared enough to leave you to spare himself and your children the pain. do what you know you need to do, not what you want to do.

ElegantlyWasted

It's OK... I'm back after 2 years (having thrown away 1 clean year)... So glad you caught yourself at 2 weeks... It takes most people multiple times to quit for good. Just know its something most of us have been through and don't be too hard on yourself... Let us know what we can do to help.

Mizzuno

There is no shame in coming here and posting that you started to drink again, and that you are ready to stop. Seeing how we are a recovery sight and all, I am pretty sure that some of us (myself included) have fallen off our precious horse, and needed help to get back on. This is no small task. The horse seems so tall, and our legs are so short. I know that many members here have let me borrow their ladder, some have even hand hoisted me onto the horse so that I can get back on and ride. I am happy that you are back. Now, get back on and start riding to your destination. We are right beside you. Not in front of you or on a different path, but right beside you. Today is a new day Flujays!

GerandTwine

Your predicament is not rare. I believe your two primary goals are ending your problems caused by drinking and protecting your family. AVRT is specifically designed to solve both of these problems at the same time.
You can learn how to quit for good and also keep yourself from being identified in the community with the label alcoholic. Also, using AVRT to quit drinking allows a huge degree of expression of inner family honesty.

Any plan about drinking that is followed by more drinking is not the Big Plan of AVRT. So, you still have the opportunity to make that once in a lifetime Big Plan. Logically, when you think about it, the Big Plan can only be done once by anyone.

I suppose it's a little like taking that stubbornness of not drinking when pregnant and committing to do it forever. But there's a big difference.

Quitting for nine months to bring a new person into the world is a strong motivator. Quitting forever and causing the death of a habituated state of mind and set of memories within yourself is a very different matter. You must be willing to see that part or your personal existence whither and die, while IT begs for more booze - even in your dreams. The motivation to do this has to be dominating, and from what you've described about your family and your life - you DO have reason to quit for good.

As time passes, when you forget how bad things were starting to happen, IT will continue to say "Drink!" and it is the Big Plan that will protect you. The Big Plan prevents IT from being able to sneak in as YOU, you will not be able to miss recognizing IT. And IT is ONLY that despicable appetite that would ruin your family for a drink.

For myself, having made the Big Plan, I found it relatively easy to feel that drinking way of life die off. I actually felt real grief over its slowly passing away; loosing those memories of the "joviality" and of course, the DEEP PLEASURE.

The not drinking really did get easier, and that included my not struggling with a never ending involvement as a member of recovery groups. And it allowed me to deal with my role as a parent and a spouse in a much more productive fashion.