hissister

I hope I think of a title for this before I'm done writing. My brother is 57 years old and may be in the last stages of liver failure due to alcohol. He has a long-time girlfriend living with him as well as her son and their daughter. The children are 10 and 6. He has always drank a lot. Three years ago he shattered his leg and was in and out of the hospital with various complications. About a year ago he started calling to say his girlfriend was beating him up. After calling the police for a welfare check we came to the conclusion he was lying. He was probably getting hurt by falling. Any little thing will bruise him badly. For the last six months he has been in and out of the hospital on average every two weeks. There was a bleed that had to be surgically repaired in his arm, he broke his wrist falling into a wall, he vomits blood, sometimes bleeds from both ends. Most times the hospital calls me for consent for blood transfusions and procedures because he's too drunk to give an informed consent himself. He doesn't make much sense even when he is sober and does strange things like mooning his 25 yr. old daughter. The doctors and a couple family members have tried to convince him to go the residential rehab but he won't go. He calls everyone in the family at all hours of the day and night then yells and swears at us if we don't answer right away. I know this is long when, really, my question is very short and simple; does anyone else ever wish they would just get on with it and die? I know that is horrible and you might think I'm a monster but it's evident that he is not going to get help and he is making life Hell for those around him.

fantail

I don't think you're a monster. I think nearly all people who find themselves in a caretaker position have similar thoughts from time to time. In this case, your brother is killing himself, he's just doing it slowly. I can understand why you'd wish for it to go faster. Seeing him suffer must be miserable.

Are you talking with any of the other people in his life about this? Are you friendly with his girlfriend? Would it be possible for you to see a counselor? At this stage it sounds like the most important thing to do is take care of yourself. You've done what you can to help him and he's refused. You should get support to help you get through this.

hissister

Thank goodness for both him and me that I am NOT his caregiver. It's his poor girlfriend taking the brunt of this as well as trying to take care of the children and work. Three of us (his sisters) are friendly with the girlfriend and try to support and encourage her as much as we can by text and occasional phone calls. He lives in a different state so it's hard to actually do anything. Just this morning realized I should have suggested to her to call Al-Anon years ago before it got this bad. We have been trying to encourage her to just leave but it's very hard for her due to finances, the children and everything in his name only. Plus, she is from an abusive background. She works nights and gets very little sleep.

Odelle

I have been where you are at and I really empathize with you. My sister died of cirrhosis nearly 15 years ago; she was 38. She, like your brother would call family members at all hours of the day and night, often lashing out vicious verbal assaults. I can’t even count the many times I wished that she would just end it once and for all. The many trips to ER when the attending doctors would call in family members because she wasn’t expected to make it through the night, rehab treatment, jail, outpatient treatment….a living nightmare for everyone involved. I wish I could tell you that your support will help your brother, but the truth is that he will only get better if he decides to get help. It took me many years to accept this, and many more to forgive myself for the thoughts I had. You did not cause this and you cannot control it. Please take care of yourself, look into Al-Anon meetings for support and visit the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum on this site for support and encouragement of others also dealing with an alcoholic family member.

wpainterw

Hissister:
Have you ever considered the possibility of bringing a civil commitment proceeding which would require that he be sent to an institution even against his will. From what you say it would appear that he may meet the judicial standard in most states as being "a danger to himself or others". This could adversely affect your relationship with your brother, at least temporarily, but it could well preserve his life. One would hope that eventually he would appreciate this. There would be come legal expense and a hearing would be required. In many states you would need the testimony of two doctors and the consent of various family members. If the family cannot afford the cost of hospitalization then a social service agency might be contacted.
The alternative to this could well be his death.

W.