Terrispots

Last night at my Al Anon meeting the topic was resentment.

We talked about that and forgiveness.

by the time we got deep into the reading and sharing I was very angry and full of resentment. One the way home I thought of all the people in my family I resented.

SM for the abuse
Dad for not protecting me from SM or from AM
Aunt/Uncle for their family violence and sucking me into it
Grandparents for not protecting me from SM or Aunt/Uncle's violence
ASis for her -ism's, for her meanness and for messing up her life with poor decisions so I feel like I have to fix it! (I know I know, I didnt cause it, I cant control it, I cant cure it!)

BUT - I dont resent my alcoholic mother. WHY NOT? I should. It's her alcoholism that is responsible for most if not all of the above. If she hadnt been then parents wouldnt have divorced, Dad wouldnt have marries SM, and ASis would likely not have been either.

So why dont I blame and resent her? I am sure somewhere way down deep, I do, I am just not there yet.

Kialua

I have several thoughts, but I don't really know. I blamed my parents when I was three, and was done emotionally with them then.

You've lost so many, your list above, that it's scary to lose everyone.
And there is a certain amount subconscious thought that you think you can fix it all, so you don't get mad and blame her.
It's almost like Eva Braun not hating Hilter. I know extreme but it's an example.
Or the Stockholm syndrome, afraid to hate the torturer.

Terrispots

Yeah, I think you might be right, every single other person I had failed me, if I admit her failure too, then there was noone! As a child and teen I looked for her replacement in every single woman I met. My SM, teachers, friends' moms, boss', and maybe I am afraid to put her on the list until there is a replacement. If ever.

DavidG

Hmmm, I was lucky- I had aunts, friends and neighbours who gave me a break sometimes... and my coda mum was helpful at times...

I have always sought replacement dads- getting more aware of it now... a really trouser-cuff cowboy...

Reedling

Two thoughts-- one is that I think alcoholics really are sick people, and it makes no more sense to blame them for alcoholism as for cancer.

The second is that alcoholic families have family ways of being hurtful, unhealthy roles for the different members that don't really even depend on the alcoholic. You can see these roles and the hurtful behavior in unrecovered adult child families even where nobody is drinking... even without an alcoholic present, the family dysfunction rolls right on down the generations (in my family it skipped one generation then devastated the grandkids).

tromboneliness

That doesn't give them a free pass, though -- despite the frequency with which people at Al-Anon meetings mistakenly say it does. Alcoholism is not really a disease, in the sense that cancer is. It has been established that there are physiological differences that cause alcoholics to process alcohol differently from the way other people do. Fine -- point taken. But that does not give them license to be the world's biggest ******** and get off blameless. There's another saying I like to use, which I think comes from AA but I'm not sure: "You're not responsible for your illness, but you are responsible for your recovery."

T

Kialua

I love that and it's so true. It's the only disease that is cured by you (them) stopping. How they stop can vary but it's only by them stopping that there is a treatment and recovery.

Reedling

Maybe I call this differently because my qualifiers are dual and triple dx, and have never in my experience been well. If they stopped drinking today, tomorrow would not be a better day. I'm glad we are all posting about this, what helps one person recover won't help another but also vice versa.

Terrispots

thanks all, very interesting discussion.

I dont think its a matter of me feeling like the alcoholic cant be blamed cause its a "disease", cause I certainly blame my sister for being an A.

Mracoa

Alcoholism is a poor name for the disease. Weather they drink alcohol or not, they still have the problem. They drink to hide from the problem, to numb the pain. Of course that doesn't work and the pain just comes back plus more when they are sober. People make the mistake (because of the name) that if they stop drinking, then they no longer have a problem.

They are responsible for their drinking. They are responsible for their own recovery. But, that doesn't mean they don't deserve some compassion. It's difficult to be compassionate for someone you need to protect yourself from.