Crap crap crap
Slowly, but surely, making it!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Northwest Florida
Posts: 493
Crap crap crap
Okay. I'm here posting right now when I really want to be snorting the roxy I just found in an oddball hiding spot. I have this little charm from a bracelet called a "prayer box". You write your prayer or wish on a piece of paper, fold it up and put it in the box. I bought it when my son was sick and having surgery for the second time, and believe it or not, he has not needed a surgery since. Anyway, I have the box sitting on my desk monitor. It's always been there. I picked it up and opened it bc I wanted to see my wish. Lo and behold, a full roxy 30 was sitting there.
I don't even remember putting it there. I don't know how long it's been there. But I want it. I want it so bad that I can't even flush it like I have all my others that I've found. I know I should. This is total addict thinking right now. Looking at it. Flipping it over and looking at both sides. Moving it from the box, to my desk drawer, to my purse, to the bookshelf, to the box again. I can't let it go. I'm ashamed that I'm like this right now. I know it's just bc I'm so tired from last night and my will is not as strong as it usually is. Please know that I would love to toss this thing but I just CAN'T do it. I can't throw it away. I'm sitting here crying right now as I type this because I'm so fn WEAK.
I don't WANT to throw it away. I don't want to take it, but I don't want to throw it away. My mind is fn with me hard right now. "It's been so long, it will be okay, just do half" and "you did fine on the tabs, just do this little piece". SH** WHY am I like this? Why can't I just toss this sucker across the room?? Why am I even here? I was a good girl. I was loved by my parents. Why am I an addict?? Please, I really hope someone is online right now bc I really need to talk to you.
I don't even remember putting it there. I don't know how long it's been there. But I want it. I want it so bad that I can't even flush it like I have all my others that I've found. I know I should. This is total addict thinking right now. Looking at it. Flipping it over and looking at both sides. Moving it from the box, to my desk drawer, to my purse, to the bookshelf, to the box again. I can't let it go. I'm ashamed that I'm like this right now. I know it's just bc I'm so tired from last night and my will is not as strong as it usually is. Please know that I would love to toss this thing but I just CAN'T do it. I can't throw it away. I'm sitting here crying right now as I type this because I'm so fn WEAK.
I don't WANT to throw it away. I don't want to take it, but I don't want to throw it away. My mind is fn with me hard right now. "It's been so long, it will be okay, just do half" and "you did fine on the tabs, just do this little piece". SH** WHY am I like this? Why can't I just toss this sucker across the room?? Why am I even here? I was a good girl. I was loved by my parents. Why am I an addict?? Please, I really hope someone is online right now bc I really need to talk to you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
ok, think about what you did "for" your addiction...used a prayer box charm as a hidie spot.
RIGHT NOW you have a choice....who wins? stupid addiction that only seeks to destroy you....OR recovery which tells you to go dump the wretched little pill in the toilet?
CHOOSE LIFE. make this a defining moment. and an "answer" to a prayer. throw it away. just do it.
RIGHT NOW you have a choice....who wins? stupid addiction that only seeks to destroy you....OR recovery which tells you to go dump the wretched little pill in the toilet?
CHOOSE LIFE. make this a defining moment. and an "answer" to a prayer. throw it away. just do it.
Slowly, but surely, making it!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Northwest Florida
Posts: 493
I WANT to Anvil. I do. Why won't my legs carry me to the toilet to flush it? I'm so stunned that I'm like this right now. It has hit me out of nowhere. I have to be honest, when I first found it the first thing I did was look in my drawer for a straw. How f'ed up is that? Why can't I just kick this??? I'm just so upset right now. I can't walk up front anyway, crying like I am. I have my office door closed. I am trying to get into the chat room but my stupid computer doesn't have JAVA so I'm downloading it now.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Oakdale, CA
Posts: 180
Originally Posted by BFD 
Okay. I'm here posting right now when I really want to be snorting the roxy I just found in an oddball hiding spot. I have this little charm from a bracelet called a "prayer box". You write your prayer or wish on a piece of paper, fold it up and put it in the box. I bought it when my son was sick and having surgery for the second time, and believe it or not, he has not needed a surgery since. Anyway, I have the box sitting on my desk monitor. It's always been there. I picked it up and opened it bc I wanted to see my wish. Lo and behold, a full roxy 30 was sitting there.
I don't even remember putting it there. I don't know how long it's been there. But I want it. I want it so bad that I can't even flush it like I have all my others that I've found. I know I should. This is total addict thinking right now. Looking at it. Flipping it over and looking at both sides. Moving it from the box, to my desk drawer, to my purse, to the bookshelf, to the box again. I can't let it go. I'm ashamed that I'm like this right now. I know it's just bc I'm so tired from last night and my will is not as strong as it usually is. Please know that I would love to toss this thing but I just CAN'T do it. I can't throw it away. I'm sitting here crying right now as I type this because I'm so fn WEAK.
I don't WANT to throw it away. I don't want to take it, but I don't want to throw it away. My mind is fn with me hard right now. "It's been so long, it will be okay, just do half" and "you did fine on the tabs, just do this little piece". SH** WHY am I like this? Why can't I just toss this sucker across the room?? Why am I even here? I was a good girl. I was loved by my parents. Why am I an addict?? Please, I really hope someone is online right now bc I really need to talk to you.
I don't even remember putting it there. I don't know how long it's been there. But I want it. I want it so bad that I can't even flush it like I have all my others that I've found. I know I should. This is total addict thinking right now. Looking at it. Flipping it over and looking at both sides. Moving it from the box, to my desk drawer, to my purse, to the bookshelf, to the box again. I can't let it go. I'm ashamed that I'm like this right now. I know it's just bc I'm so tired from last night and my will is not as strong as it usually is. Please know that I would love to toss this thing but I just CAN'T do it. I can't throw it away. I'm sitting here crying right now as I type this because I'm so fn WEAK.
I don't WANT to throw it away. I don't want to take it, but I don't want to throw it away. My mind is fn with me hard right now. "It's been so long, it will be okay, just do half" and "you did fine on the tabs, just do this little piece". SH** WHY am I like this? Why can't I just toss this sucker across the room?? Why am I even here? I was a good girl. I was loved by my parents. Why am I an addict?? Please, I really hope someone is online right now bc I really need to talk to you.
BFD.... I know that you can do it.... just go and flush it. If you can't yet, read through my post "I hate" 10 more times.
There were about 4-5 of us that were within a couple days of recovery of each other last month and I'm the only one that didn't make it over 30 days last month.... let's keep it that way. Please don't suffer again like I am.
Slowly, but surely, making it!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Northwest Florida
Posts: 493
I'm outside. I grabbed my purse and ran to my car with my head down and am now at the boat launch across the street from my office. I do not have the pill with me. It was best to just get the hell away from it. I'm in total shock that I'm acting like this. I mean its like somebody just shot my dog.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
You CAN just toss it and you will! The guilt is eating at you already - just think of what it is going to feel like if you DO take it. Yes being an addict sucks, but it should help make your decision for you. One is too many and a thousand is never enough. One turns into two, two to four and on and on. It is a dead end street. Finding it in a prayer box is a sign if you ask me. You are at a cross roads and doing the right thing now will only strengthen your resolve for the next time. Think of yourself - how far you have come. Think of your son - he deserves so much more. Toss it now - don't play mind games any longer! I know you will do the right thing and you do too!! :-)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
BFD I really hope you tossed it, one pill will do nothing except make tomorrow that much harder, mess with your head, make you feel guilty, make you crave more, make you feel like you let yourself down, start your sobriety count back at 0, risk making you wake up tomorrow physically not feeling well, make your brain think that every so often one is okay because nothing happened last time, trigger you to start slacking on your recovery, make you depressed, make you miss the effects of drugs....need I go on?
Slowly, but surely, making it!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Northwest Florida
Posts: 493
I really love you guys. Thank you- I can't say that enough. I'm starting to see reason now. Holy crap that took me by surprise. I am still out of my office but I WILL flush it the second I get back to work. I can't believe I just put myself through that. How shameful. I'm so glad you were here. I don't know what I would do without you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it's not shameful, hon. you were not expecting to come face to face with your nemesis today!!! AS LONG AS YOU DO NOT USE, all will be well. there are no style points given for recovery, it doesn't have to be elegant or graceful. hugs to you.
Slowly, but surely, making it!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Northwest Florida
Posts: 493
Yes, that definitely was not one of my most graceful moments, haha. I just wasn't prepared. My guard was down bc I've been doing so well. This just goes to show that you just always be prepared for anything in this fight. Don't ever get "cocky" about it. It will come out of nowhere.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,240
If you don't want to throw it away yourself
or you have no will to flush it, then call someone,
tell someone to do it for you.
It maybe the best intervention to save your life.
My family intervened on me for my alcoholism
and I was evaluated and stayed in a 28day rehab
facility receiving the tools and knowledge of my
addiction.
That was 22 yrs ago. A many many one days at
a time sober taking it a day at a time not drinking
to get me where I am today.
Healthy, Happy, Honest.
or you have no will to flush it, then call someone,
tell someone to do it for you.
It maybe the best intervention to save your life.
My family intervened on me for my alcoholism
and I was evaluated and stayed in a 28day rehab
facility receiving the tools and knowledge of my
addiction.
That was 22 yrs ago. A many many one days at
a time sober taking it a day at a time not drinking
to get me where I am today.
Healthy, Happy, Honest.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
It will come out of nowhere.
the beast never sleeps. it lurks behind every bush. we must remain ever vigilant. as sharon said, one sober day at a time. but that one week, one year, one decade later.
the beast never sleeps. it lurks behind every bush. we must remain ever vigilant. as sharon said, one sober day at a time. but that one week, one year, one decade later.
Marcher
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 3,235
BFD,
hey! I am so glad you came here. I love that because I may be faced with the same thing. I would be so glad to get the responses that you got. How special is this place?!
I have a prayer box too, that one of my sons made years ago. Haven't opened it in a long time. And I don't think I'll open it now!
How are you now? Thinking of you!
hey! I am so glad you came here. I love that because I may be faced with the same thing. I would be so glad to get the responses that you got. How special is this place?!
I have a prayer box too, that one of my sons made years ago. Haven't opened it in a long time. And I don't think I'll open it now!
How are you now? Thinking of you!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
If the roxy is f*** in with your head right now and you haven't even takin it yet, then imagine how you are gonna feel after you have taken it, tomorrow.
Look at it this way, that little pill has just completely taken your peace away. It's the freakin devil himself. Throw it away right now down the garbage disposal. If you hadn't of seen it you wouldn't even be in this turmoil. It's a lie, it will not make life better but only start you on another roll. Get rid of it. Show the newcomers here that it can be done!!
PS You did exactly what you were supposed to do. You came here and told on yourself. You came here first. We have no excuse to use again when we have this awesome tool. Look at the response you got! Aweosme!!Way to go !!!
Look at it this way, that little pill has just completely taken your peace away. It's the freakin devil himself. Throw it away right now down the garbage disposal. If you hadn't of seen it you wouldn't even be in this turmoil. It's a lie, it will not make life better but only start you on another roll. Get rid of it. Show the newcomers here that it can be done!!
PS You did exactly what you were supposed to do. You came here and told on yourself. You came here first. We have no excuse to use again when we have this awesome tool. Look at the response you got! Aweosme!!Way to go !!!
Slowly, but surely, making it!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Northwest Florida
Posts: 493
Hi. Wow... looking at the crazed state I was in yesterday is very humbling. Thank you everyone for all your responses; you are truly amazing. I DID get rid of it. I am so glad there is a tool like this site available. I wish everyone struggling knew about this place.
It doesn't end. Ever. I have been too cocky and too happy about my recovery to stay prepared for anything. Lesson learned!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today has been a bit emotional. My stomach has been upset since last night. I'm sure it's stress. A little bit of sadness is WAY better than guilt from doing the pill plus maybe even being dopesick the next few days. It's raining today, which probably doesn't help my mood. I am hanging in there, though.
It doesn't end. Ever. I have been too cocky and too happy about my recovery to stay prepared for anything. Lesson learned!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today has been a bit emotional. My stomach has been upset since last night. I'm sure it's stress. A little bit of sadness is WAY better than guilt from doing the pill plus maybe even being dopesick the next few days. It's raining today, which probably doesn't help my mood. I am hanging in there, though.
Marcher
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 3,235
Thank you!
BFD!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you for posting your crisis yesterday. You have no idea how you have impacted me, seriously. I have been getting a little comfortable with my current state of mind, and although I haven't had a pill come and CHASE ME DOWN like yours did, I needed reminding that it can happen. What will I do if I find one? I am now making a plan for exactly that.
Do not be ashamed or embarrassed. Your feelings were real and raw at that moment and resonated with me and probably others. That was a brave move. And then you got rid of it!
You are awesome!
Thank you for posting your crisis yesterday. You have no idea how you have impacted me, seriously. I have been getting a little comfortable with my current state of mind, and although I haven't had a pill come and CHASE ME DOWN like yours did, I needed reminding that it can happen. What will I do if I find one? I am now making a plan for exactly that.
Do not be ashamed or embarrassed. Your feelings were real and raw at that moment and resonated with me and probably others. That was a brave move. And then you got rid of it!
You are awesome!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: CT
Posts: 189
So you could do half (who are you kidding, any relapse I've had I totally went to town to make up for lost time and for being "so good" lol)
Then what?? Has 1 or 1/2 EVER been enough?? Where did it take you? Romanticizing your DOC is common, your addiction is very tricky and isn't going to say "one will lead to 100, your life will be in shambles looking for your next high, going thru the horror of withdrawals that get worse and worse and now your life revolves around it, it stops working so you take more until your broke, lonely and worse off than you are now-if you don't od.
Stick around, soon you'll feel better & and will be stronger for getting thru this point! Personally I am still waiting around for the day that I wake up wishing that I had just drank last night, foggy headed & full of guilt and regret instead if waking up with a sense of accomplishmenr & a liver.
Then what?? Has 1 or 1/2 EVER been enough?? Where did it take you? Romanticizing your DOC is common, your addiction is very tricky and isn't going to say "one will lead to 100, your life will be in shambles looking for your next high, going thru the horror of withdrawals that get worse and worse and now your life revolves around it, it stops working so you take more until your broke, lonely and worse off than you are now-if you don't od.
Stick around, soon you'll feel better & and will be stronger for getting thru this point! Personally I am still waiting around for the day that I wake up wishing that I had just drank last night, foggy headed & full of guilt and regret instead if waking up with a sense of accomplishmenr & a liver.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: CT
Posts: 189
So you could do half (who are you kidding, any relapse I've had I totally went to town to make up for lost time and for being "so good" lol)
Then what?? Has 1 or 1/2 EVER been enough?? Where did it take you? Romanticizing your DOC is common, your addiction is very tricky and isn't going to say "one will lead to 100, your life will be in shambles looking for your next high, going thru the horror of withdrawals that get worse and worse and now your life revolves around it, it stops working so you take more until your broke, lonely and worse off than you are now-if you don't od.
Stick around, soon you'll feel better & and will be stronger for getting thru this point! Personally I am still waiting around for the day that I wake up wishing that I had just drank last night, foggy headed & full of guilt and regret instead of waking up with a sense of accomplishmenr & a liver.
Then what?? Has 1 or 1/2 EVER been enough?? Where did it take you? Romanticizing your DOC is common, your addiction is very tricky and isn't going to say "one will lead to 100, your life will be in shambles looking for your next high, going thru the horror of withdrawals that get worse and worse and now your life revolves around it, it stops working so you take more until your broke, lonely and worse off than you are now-if you don't od.
Stick around, soon you'll feel better & and will be stronger for getting thru this point! Personally I am still waiting around for the day that I wake up wishing that I had just drank last night, foggy headed & full of guilt and regret instead of waking up with a sense of accomplishmenr & a liver.
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