At my wits end.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 30
At my wits end.....
I've been going to Al anon, going to open AA meetings with my AGF, reading and writing, really working it. But i feel so exhausted and ready to give up. Why do i have to keep working and she gets to do whatever she wants (i already know the answer). I'm just venting i guess, trying to focus on me and not care what she does at all. I'm just tired of all of the drama and ups and downs with her, her family, her ex.....i want to get off the merry go round cause it ain't too merry lately.
Im hanging in there, trying to focus on the things i need to focus on. just a rough few days and needed to vent, thanks for listening.
Im hanging in there, trying to focus on the things i need to focus on. just a rough few days and needed to vent, thanks for listening.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Wes58, I hear what you are saying. You made me chuckle--it sure isn't "Merry". I think of it as getting of the train to "Crazy Town" (LOL).
I hear a good analogy of what you are talking about---you having to do all this work.
Suppose a car com es along and strikes the pedestrian, causing a compound fracture of the leg--an ambulance comes along and attempts to transport the pedestrian to the hospital for orthopedic surgery, and, certainly, a post-op period of healing and rehab. The pedestrian adamantly refuses--arguing, why should he have to go through all of that--when it was the car that caused it!!!
GET IT?
I hear a good analogy of what you are talking about---you having to do all this work.
Suppose a car com es along and strikes the pedestrian, causing a compound fracture of the leg--an ambulance comes along and attempts to transport the pedestrian to the hospital for orthopedic surgery, and, certainly, a post-op period of healing and rehab. The pedestrian adamantly refuses--arguing, why should he have to go through all of that--when it was the car that caused it!!!
GET IT?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 214
I went through that, too. I was mad. I didn't want to have to go to alanon for support, I WANTED my A to suck it up, fix what was wrong, and then give me the support I needed.
It wasn't fair! But I kept going back to alanon and it kept working its magic in my life.
things will get better, and it's good that even in the midst of drama, you can see that. I really liked dandylion's analogy: It doesn't matter what's fair, what matters is what needs fixing.
It wasn't fair! But I kept going back to alanon and it kept working its magic in my life.
things will get better, and it's good that even in the midst of drama, you can see that. I really liked dandylion's analogy: It doesn't matter what's fair, what matters is what needs fixing.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Wes58 - she is only doing what alcoholics do ...they ride can get rougher
and probably will over time. The good thing is - you are not married to
her and can make a clean break if need be. Hang in there for as long as
you can and then the answers will come as to what to do. When the pain
of staying is greater than the pain of leaving that will be the sign and time
you need to know what to do. In the mean time all you can do is keep go-
ing to alanon and stay strong.
Janitw
and probably will over time. The good thing is - you are not married to
her and can make a clean break if need be. Hang in there for as long as
you can and then the answers will come as to what to do. When the pain
of staying is greater than the pain of leaving that will be the sign and time
you need to know what to do. In the mean time all you can do is keep go-
ing to alanon and stay strong.
Janitw
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 30
thanks everyone, i know all of the stuff i need to do from attending al anon, reading and writing. Im just burnt out today from all of the BS. It just feels like im giving to the relationship and she can do what ever she likes. I know i have the choice to walk any time, just a little beaten up today.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Well hunny just hang in there okay...I've been there many times and what I did was
just stay busy and tried to keep my mind from being my worst enemy. Don't let the anxiety of all get to you and focus focus focus. Keep your spirits up and just forge ahead.
just stay busy and tried to keep my mind from being my worst enemy. Don't let the anxiety of all get to you and focus focus focus. Keep your spirits up and just forge ahead.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
and she can do what ever she likes
well, yes she can. we ALL can - if we are willing to accept the consequences/results of our choices and our actions......OR we just don't give a sh*t. you are currently "choosing" to do a lot FOR the relationship and you aren't seeing much in the way of RESULTS. the consequences of being the only one invested in a relationship are eventually feeling burnt out, beat up and bummed out.
drinking and all that hoo hah aside, you can STILL walk away any time you so choose. it's not like you are walking away with her freshly donated kidney in the cooler!!!!
well, yes she can. we ALL can - if we are willing to accept the consequences/results of our choices and our actions......OR we just don't give a sh*t. you are currently "choosing" to do a lot FOR the relationship and you aren't seeing much in the way of RESULTS. the consequences of being the only one invested in a relationship are eventually feeling burnt out, beat up and bummed out.
drinking and all that hoo hah aside, you can STILL walk away any time you so choose. it's not like you are walking away with her freshly donated kidney in the cooler!!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Princess Bride
Dear Dread Pirate Westley,
I too am suffering with this. I burned 3 days of vacation with all the phone calls working on inpatient rehab for AH, keeping everyone in the loop, and getting my head together enough to go back to work in April. Next month I am burning at least another 2 for family programming. So that is a week of vacation gone.
Meanwhile I get to pick up the beauty pageant ribbon codependent. I go to Al Anon, counseling & read this board religiously to get my head wrapped around alcoholism and the crazy crap all of these people (including me!) have put up with or fallen for. I get to work Step One and learn a new lingo. I need to watch my kid a see if he is codependent and get this kid a counselor too. Today was pay day and what did I buy - 3 new books on codependency!! whoop whoop!
BUT I am not doing all of this for AH. Here is where you need to change your focus. You need to do this for yourself. These are all steps necessary for my OWN recovery. My HP better know before I EVER get to Step Two that I am going to figure this crap out bc if this marriage is truly over, then sure as heck I do NOT want to repeat this pattern again. I do not want my KID repeating it. I want my kid to see me as one TOUGH Cookie that stays in her plastic divider, a cookie who can say NO and Mean IT! Crunch!
"Once word gets out that a pirate has gone soft, people start to disobey you and its nothing but work, work, work all the time." _Princess Bride
So keep plodding along and sooner or later it WILL get easier. You are not alone!
I too am suffering with this. I burned 3 days of vacation with all the phone calls working on inpatient rehab for AH, keeping everyone in the loop, and getting my head together enough to go back to work in April. Next month I am burning at least another 2 for family programming. So that is a week of vacation gone.
Meanwhile I get to pick up the beauty pageant ribbon codependent. I go to Al Anon, counseling & read this board religiously to get my head wrapped around alcoholism and the crazy crap all of these people (including me!) have put up with or fallen for. I get to work Step One and learn a new lingo. I need to watch my kid a see if he is codependent and get this kid a counselor too. Today was pay day and what did I buy - 3 new books on codependency!! whoop whoop!
BUT I am not doing all of this for AH. Here is where you need to change your focus. You need to do this for yourself. These are all steps necessary for my OWN recovery. My HP better know before I EVER get to Step Two that I am going to figure this crap out bc if this marriage is truly over, then sure as heck I do NOT want to repeat this pattern again. I do not want my KID repeating it. I want my kid to see me as one TOUGH Cookie that stays in her plastic divider, a cookie who can say NO and Mean IT! Crunch!
"Once word gets out that a pirate has gone soft, people start to disobey you and its nothing but work, work, work all the time." _Princess Bride
So keep plodding along and sooner or later it WILL get easier. You are not alone!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: London
Posts: 1
Hi! I'm new here. Have been reading a few posts from this site for days with interest, and I finally decided to join.
I can definitely relate to what Wes is saying in this one. Is not that easy to separate what you do for yourself and what you do for the relationship. A the end of the day your loved one is a great part of who you are at that moment in time and it affects your day, your life a lot.
I am going through one of those times in which I don't know what to do. I feel that I could just lock myself in somewhere and just cry. I feel so powerless because my BF is having a relapse, or is it really? I don't know what to do, or what to expect. He was sober for 10 weeks, and last week he started drinking again saying everyday that he is going to get back on track the next day. Of course, it hasn't happened and it all looks super dark, like he is never going to get out of there. I went with him through a severe phase of his alcoholism and I definitely don't want to get back there.
Definitely tough day.
I can definitely relate to what Wes is saying in this one. Is not that easy to separate what you do for yourself and what you do for the relationship. A the end of the day your loved one is a great part of who you are at that moment in time and it affects your day, your life a lot.
I am going through one of those times in which I don't know what to do. I feel that I could just lock myself in somewhere and just cry. I feel so powerless because my BF is having a relapse, or is it really? I don't know what to do, or what to expect. He was sober for 10 weeks, and last week he started drinking again saying everyday that he is going to get back on track the next day. Of course, it hasn't happened and it all looks super dark, like he is never going to get out of there. I went with him through a severe phase of his alcoholism and I definitely don't want to get back there.
Definitely tough day.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 30
everyone, thanks for the reply's. I know from al anon that im supposed to be working on it for me. Im still new at all of this and am figuring it out as i go along. I hope to one day have a little bit of recovery because i don't want to repeat the mistakes i have made with this. Im hopeful for tomorrow and am grateful for the many wonderful things and people i have in my life.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by Janitw 
Well hunny just hang in there okay...I've been there many times and what I did was
just stay busy and tried to keep my mind from being my worst enemy. Don't let the anxiety of all get to you and focus focus focus. Keep your spirits up and just forge ahead.
just stay busy and tried to keep my mind from being my worst enemy. Don't let the anxiety of all get to you and focus focus focus. Keep your spirits up and just forge ahead.
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