Father's Rights - will recovering ever be rewarded?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 2
Father's Rights - will recovering ever be rewarded?
Hey all, I am new here - always seeking new and different opinions and advice and always willing to share my story if it can help. I am in a 2 year relationship with a recovering crack addict and alcoholic. He has a 3 year old son who, for the past 2 years, he has had every second weekend. both she and he had been users of cocaine before and after the baby was born and when she went on a binge when the baby was about a month old, the cops got involved and then social services and then baby was taken into foster care. my bf and she both worked a forced rehab program and got clean so that they could get baby back. during the rehab time, the x moved her mother in with them - momma was an old nasty crack addict who tried to derail the rehab process at all times. my bf told the x that if she didnt throw her mother out that he could not live there any more - the x chose to keep her mother and off he went. when baby was returned to the x 9 months after being taken, he had been moved out for about a month. the x denied him any access to the baby from that point until a few months later when she tried to have all his parental rights removed. he went to court and fought that and won the right to re-establish the relationship with his son - after that - visits were every second weekend. For 2 years the relationship between the x and him was ok - visits were ok, he always paid child support.
In january this year he finally got the nerve up to apply to the court to reduce his child support which had been double based on his actual income, and to put in writing the verbal visiting agreement. the x is a welfare recipient and so reducing child support seemed to make her pretty angry. her first reaction was to stop all visitation and demand full financial disclosure of not just him but me as well. she accused him of hiding money, working cash jobs and not reporting income etc. no mention whatsoever of concerns over drugs or booze during visits. when she realized that the reduction was inescapable because the law sets the amounts based on income - she then played the "i want a drug test" card. as bad luck would have it, although he had continued to drink he had been clean from cocaine until a relapse a month before. he was ordered to take a hair follicle test at a lab that she demanded at her cost. he knew he would fail the test and knew that trying to prove that the use was a single relapse would be beyond difficult. at the time of the test he was clean for just shy of 60 days and the test goes back 90 days. we spent countless hours online trying to find out what the result number meant in the grand scheme of level of use - was it low, medium, high - who can do the analysis or give opinions on this, how would it impact the upcoming court appearance etc etc. we could get nothing from any lab in canada, the US or australia to commit to an opinion or interpretation of the result - nothing. the lab that collected the sample could give no opinion, the lab that the sample was sent to for the first part of the test could give us nothing, the lab that the positive sample was sent to for final medical review and confirmation could say nothing. there are a few charts out there in internet land that show numbers and relate them to approximate level of use and so, he went to court, spoke the truth about the relapse, presented what substantiating information we could find, disclosed all the AADAC courses, 12 step attendance, rehab efforts prior to and since the use - and the judge said he was satisfied that he was taking the appropriate steps to address his issues and denied the x's request to stop or to have visits supervised.
The NEXT DAY the x filed a letter written by an employee of the lab that collected his sample for testing stating that he was without a doubt a frequent and continuous user. funny that she was able to get such a damning letter when we had been begging for anything at all - good or bad - from this same lab and were told it was not possible to give an opinion. The letter was written by a hair collection tech - with no qualifications or certifications or medical training or substance abuse knowledge.. and how strange that this letter was also provided to the x via personal email between the tech and the x. the letter was also written on a photo copy of the actual test result report that had been altered to leave only the letterhead and blanked out the report where the "letter" text was placed. the reason for her demand that the test could only be done at this particular lab started to become clear.
immediately upon seeing this letter we started an email correspondence with all 3 labs involved and presented this letter and asked for their comments as to the forgery of letterhead and the content of the opinion. the owner of the collection lab called my bf and told him that the letter was a forgery, the owner then called our legal agent and told her the same thing, the owner then called the police to begin an investigation into the forgery, the owner then lawyered up. 2 days later at the court appearance triggered by her filing this "new evidence" the lab's lawyer and a constable attended - neither offered any opinion on if the letter was legitimate but wow, can it be any more clear that there is a ******* problem? so the judge says ok mr. lawyer, come back next week and tell me the position of the lab as to if this is a forgery - meanwhile, because of what the letter said, the judge imposed supervised visits for one weekend until the matter was dealt with the following week. so we say its a forgery, the lab calls the police and their lawyer and the judge says **** you have to pretend its legit.
so here comes next week where we are eagerly awaiting the lawyers disclosure and admission that the letter is a forgery - well he does what lawyers are paid to do and twists the situation to make it sound like he had been claiming the result itself was altered - the judge, a different one from the previous week who had not read the file, did not even have the file in front of him, says ok lawyer, thanks you may go and orders continuous supervision based on the lies in the forged letter. judge says to the bf that he has a problem and has to get his life in order and until he does he can't be trusted around his son.
the x and her current boyfriend were giggling - i **** you not - giggling in the court room in front of the judge at how effective their lies were.
they have since cut off all phone communication with his son saying that since he started the application to reduce child support he has to suffer the consequences. they are currently working on lies about how his supervisor is not present during visits... i wonder if abuse will be the next lie - i think that comes next in the vindictive bitch litigation handbook.
there are more ugly details but this is already a novel - my basic problem with all of this is - it appears that recovery is of no concern to the courts and past use is something that can kill a relationship between a father and son no matter how honest and truthful and committed to doing "the next right thing" you are. we have spent close to $10,000 in the last 3 months to get a simple legal and fair reduction of child support because courts allow lies to trump all and addicts will be punished no matter what they do.
any and all comments are welcome
much love to all
In january this year he finally got the nerve up to apply to the court to reduce his child support which had been double based on his actual income, and to put in writing the verbal visiting agreement. the x is a welfare recipient and so reducing child support seemed to make her pretty angry. her first reaction was to stop all visitation and demand full financial disclosure of not just him but me as well. she accused him of hiding money, working cash jobs and not reporting income etc. no mention whatsoever of concerns over drugs or booze during visits. when she realized that the reduction was inescapable because the law sets the amounts based on income - she then played the "i want a drug test" card. as bad luck would have it, although he had continued to drink he had been clean from cocaine until a relapse a month before. he was ordered to take a hair follicle test at a lab that she demanded at her cost. he knew he would fail the test and knew that trying to prove that the use was a single relapse would be beyond difficult. at the time of the test he was clean for just shy of 60 days and the test goes back 90 days. we spent countless hours online trying to find out what the result number meant in the grand scheme of level of use - was it low, medium, high - who can do the analysis or give opinions on this, how would it impact the upcoming court appearance etc etc. we could get nothing from any lab in canada, the US or australia to commit to an opinion or interpretation of the result - nothing. the lab that collected the sample could give no opinion, the lab that the sample was sent to for the first part of the test could give us nothing, the lab that the positive sample was sent to for final medical review and confirmation could say nothing. there are a few charts out there in internet land that show numbers and relate them to approximate level of use and so, he went to court, spoke the truth about the relapse, presented what substantiating information we could find, disclosed all the AADAC courses, 12 step attendance, rehab efforts prior to and since the use - and the judge said he was satisfied that he was taking the appropriate steps to address his issues and denied the x's request to stop or to have visits supervised.
The NEXT DAY the x filed a letter written by an employee of the lab that collected his sample for testing stating that he was without a doubt a frequent and continuous user. funny that she was able to get such a damning letter when we had been begging for anything at all - good or bad - from this same lab and were told it was not possible to give an opinion. The letter was written by a hair collection tech - with no qualifications or certifications or medical training or substance abuse knowledge.. and how strange that this letter was also provided to the x via personal email between the tech and the x. the letter was also written on a photo copy of the actual test result report that had been altered to leave only the letterhead and blanked out the report where the "letter" text was placed. the reason for her demand that the test could only be done at this particular lab started to become clear.
immediately upon seeing this letter we started an email correspondence with all 3 labs involved and presented this letter and asked for their comments as to the forgery of letterhead and the content of the opinion. the owner of the collection lab called my bf and told him that the letter was a forgery, the owner then called our legal agent and told her the same thing, the owner then called the police to begin an investigation into the forgery, the owner then lawyered up. 2 days later at the court appearance triggered by her filing this "new evidence" the lab's lawyer and a constable attended - neither offered any opinion on if the letter was legitimate but wow, can it be any more clear that there is a ******* problem? so the judge says ok mr. lawyer, come back next week and tell me the position of the lab as to if this is a forgery - meanwhile, because of what the letter said, the judge imposed supervised visits for one weekend until the matter was dealt with the following week. so we say its a forgery, the lab calls the police and their lawyer and the judge says **** you have to pretend its legit.
so here comes next week where we are eagerly awaiting the lawyers disclosure and admission that the letter is a forgery - well he does what lawyers are paid to do and twists the situation to make it sound like he had been claiming the result itself was altered - the judge, a different one from the previous week who had not read the file, did not even have the file in front of him, says ok lawyer, thanks you may go and orders continuous supervision based on the lies in the forged letter. judge says to the bf that he has a problem and has to get his life in order and until he does he can't be trusted around his son.
the x and her current boyfriend were giggling - i **** you not - giggling in the court room in front of the judge at how effective their lies were.
they have since cut off all phone communication with his son saying that since he started the application to reduce child support he has to suffer the consequences. they are currently working on lies about how his supervisor is not present during visits... i wonder if abuse will be the next lie - i think that comes next in the vindictive bitch litigation handbook.
there are more ugly details but this is already a novel - my basic problem with all of this is - it appears that recovery is of no concern to the courts and past use is something that can kill a relationship between a father and son no matter how honest and truthful and committed to doing "the next right thing" you are. we have spent close to $10,000 in the last 3 months to get a simple legal and fair reduction of child support because courts allow lies to trump all and addicts will be punished no matter what they do.
any and all comments are welcome
much love to all
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 55
What they are doing is absolutely wrong and absolutely heinous. But if he really wants to see his son, is it not easier to just pay? I know that you don't want to set this kind of precedent with the X but if she is that manipulative, etc, isn't it just a matter of time before she messes herself up again? Sounds like he needs to get back on track and stay on track. And next time around, you go to the lab or your choice and/or two independent labs. And/or pay for it at your own expense? Right now he is dealing with the consequences of his relapse. If he stays clean then he will have different consequences. Bottom line. Just keep in mind no matter how bad she is, that it is better to do WHAT IS BEST FOR THE CHILD. Would your BF want full custody? Maybe once he is clean, and perhaps applies for and gets joint custody, perhaps he can order a hair test on her, or perhaps he will just be happy and move on, since having both parents is usually what is best for the child. Its unfortunate that she can 't see that, and that all she sees are dollar signs. But just keep in mind: do what is best for the child. Good Luck!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 2
Hi divinespark - ty for your comments - If he had known what kind of gong show this was going to be I know he just would have kept paying that double support - but at the time, he was really recommitting back to the program, to doing the right thing, to fixing what he could and it all seemed like the right thing to do. at one point over the 2 years of overpaying he was bringing home 800 a month and having to pay her 444 a month - that went on for about 8 months - pretty hard to take care of even the most basic needs on what was left - and then demanding cash in hand or no visit if he didn't get his cheque on time - constant threats to deny visits... just got to be too much to just put up with - all he wanted was something in writing and fairness. hes a great dad, a strong man, and it just so terrible that the past seems to always be there to be used against you. he made a mistake and stood up and told the truth, and its sad to see how others throw **** from behind their own **** pile that goes somehow unseen. what is best for the child is to have both parents love and support - she cares nothing about this kid other than hes a paycheck. her whole welfare scam is pretty awesome too - she pretends to have MS for 10 years so far - is on assistance called "Assured Income for the Severely Handicapped" which has paid for a trip to vegas 10 months ago and a trip to mexico just last week - partyin down at the casino here, sporting the fake tan, $200 shoes, hitting the clubs, new hair color every few weeks, new iphone.. sweet hey?. so she stops the baby's dad from contact then leaves the country and kid behind while she spends the support money on a vacation... she's a real piece of work this one. and you know i gave her the benefit of the doubt forever - i told him to be nice, to respect her status as the kids mother etc etc - the one time i spoke directly to her i gave her my word as a mother and a woman that no matter what if i ever thought for one second that the boy was in any kind of danger i would be the first to bring him home to her - she has now lied about that conversation saying that i told her my bf stole money to spend on drugs.... like wtf? she says she will even go to child welfare and risk having the boy taken back into foster care to continue to punish my boyfriend for daring to cut into her fun money. but all this is going to come out eventually and he will continue to do the right thing and you better believe once there is enough distance from this test he will stop at nothing to make sure his boy is with us where he is safe and protected from the true evil that lives in that woman. the courts are another matter - no one ever wanted to be the poster child for reforming how drug testing is used or validated in a court situation but things need to be changed. either a positive is grounds alone for ending or imposing supervision for visits OR they stop asking how the test got positive because it doesn't seem to matter - unless its dark on a Tuesday and the moon is full and the judge isn't on the rag... there is no consistency. in 3 months we've had 5 different judges - all of which had differing opinions. throw in the obvious personal relationship the x has with this lab technician who lied and forged this letter... what kind of implication does that have for the reliability of personnel handling such confidential and potentially life changing information. i wonder if she charged her a fee to lie or she did it just cuz they were buddies....and i wonder what will happen when the letters are proven forgeries - will there be any slap for that or just an oooops never mind?.... don't even get me started on the next topic of false positive testing - people who have been subjected to random urine testing and because they took over the counter cold meds or vitamin supplements have lost their jobs.... sigh... don't get me wrong, there may be situations where testing is absolutely ok as long as they can verify and prove there is no false positive. anyway i am beyond proud of how my boyfriend has conducted himself through the last few months - certainly been a trial by fire to keep clean - i don't have any drug issues but there have been moments in the last few months i thought about starting one because this **** is just ripping our hearts out on a daily basis - but we don't give in and we wont give in. today he has 127 days clean and sober - so proud but anyway if anyone has had to defeat the evil courts and evil x's to regain their relationship with their kids, please chime in
but anyway if anyone has had to defeat the evil courts and evil x's to regain their relationship with their kids, please chime in Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
I have no experience with this type of thing, but what a horrible situation to be in. Its hard to imagine how vicious some people can be, especially when there is a child involved - blows my mind. Will send up a prayer for you guys and hope your BF is reunited with his son soon.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
