frenchiesgirl

My first time here. My boyfriend is 2 years sober, and in the past year, my family has discovered my mother is an alcoholic. I've been to a few Al-Anon meetings but I'm still not comfortable enough to speak up and tell my story in one yet. I get very emotional and just break down. So I think this may help. I don't know what you would call my mother. She hides her drinking. Her drink of choice is Vodka, I'm sure because it is easy to hide. She fills it in vases around the house, empty shampoo bottles, empty soda bottles and stashes them around the house. She has come home from work trashed a few times. We don't know if she left work and drank, drank on her way home, or what she did. All my life, I've always found stashed/hidden beer cans everywhere, but never thought much about it. She gets confrontailtional when asked if she has been drinking. It's killing our relationship and I'm at the point where I want nothing to do with her. I love her dearly but I can't continue to constantly worry about her. I have a life of my own and a family of my own to worry about. She has ruined holidays, get togethers, family times, vacations. I need help but I don't know where to turn to. Anyone else have similiar stories? I just constantly finding myself asking, why me? Why my family?

Terrispots

Honey, you would call her an alcoholic, that is what they DO. They hide it, they are confrontational, etc.

My sister does this, not quite so elaborately though! I am impressed with her ingenuity! Sorry, I shouldnt laugh but your mother is very creative. I confronted her last week about her drinking, she said she had already decided to quit. The next day, I could smell it.

Even if she does stop for a few weeks, she is still just a dry drunk, not in recovery.

My sister just hides her bottle in her bedroom now. She also drinks vodka cause it is easier to conceal, no odor, no color. She can add it to her glass and any soda and noone knows. Well, except me, cause I know her drinking glass and I know her habits. I know that if she is drinking soda, she just drinks if from a can, if she is DRINKING, she puts it in the glass. So as soon as I hear the ice cubes I have this dread come over me. The next morning I smell the alcohol oozing from her pores. So, I cant see her drinking if she is in her room, but I can tell the day after.

Sorry, didnt mean to go on there, but yes, you know what to call her, and that is an alcoholic. I know the feeling of not being able to share cause you will break down, it's ok, break down, let it go. We are all here for you, and so is your Al Anon family.

Good luck.

Kialua

Yes she is an alcoholic, many hide their stash. Welcome here, we do understand and you can participate at your own pace. It is very unsettling to have an alcoholic parent and it causes havoc. You do struggle with loving your Mother and being fed up. Emotionally detaching is a goal we all work towards because it is very hard on your body physically, emotionally and your family to be stressed. You owe it to your own family to be the best you.

Sometimes we feel the need to do more for our alcoholic but we remember the thee c's to help us cope
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

munchkin05

Yes, she is definitely an alcoholic. I too am one (in recovery) and can recognize a lot of that, but as terrispots said, wow, your Mom is very creative with her hiding.
Mine was always just hide the full bottles in the freezer. Hide the empties in the recycling under the soda pop bottles and cans. LOL
My Mom actually once went so far to "hide" that she bought a 24 pack of bottled water.
Emptied out the water and then filled them all with vodka. Then put them all back in the shrink wrapped plastic all so she could bring it all on the cruise they were preparing to depart on. How sick is that?

GingerM

Two years ago, my dad was arrested and sent to prison. We found bottles of bourbon all over the place. If you look at my join date though, I've known him to "have an alcohol problem" for many years (I couldn't bring myself, at first, to call him an alcoholic).

My mom didn't hide anything, but usually didn't start drinking until 5pm or so. She would drink to the point of falling asleep. Now that my (overbearing, bullying) dad is out of the picture, she's all but stopped drinking and I haven't seen her drunk since he's been incarcerated. I don't know if she's mentally ill, suffering from age related cognitive degeneration or just drank to not have to think. Or all three. At least she's not drinking as much (one glass of wine a day if she drinks anything).

But both of my parents are alcoholics. One has cut way back on her drinking, the other can't drink because he doesn't have access to alcohol legally and isn't willing to risk solitary confinement for "toilet wine". But the behaviors are still there. They aren't sober, they are (to borrow DesertEyes term) UNdrunk. In my dad's case, many of his bullying behaviors have gotten worse. Then he wonders why I don't visit him as often as he wants me to (while trying to bully me into it - hah! little irony there!)

All of us here had to grapple with applying the label of "alcoholic" to our parents. It's not easy. It's not fun. But once you can comfortably accept that the label fits, it gets a little easier.

BeautyBee

I know that you are going through a very stressful time right now and it seems like its easier to give up because you have your own life to worry about but please DONT GIVE UP ! I just recently lost my mother to alcoholism in november and i wish i had done more. I felt at the time that i was doing enough but now after the fact i now know there are involuntary rehab centers that you can send her too if you feel thats what she needs. Please do all you can to help her even if it makes you feel uncomfortable. Shes the only mom you have

munchkin05

You know one thing I have noticed with my own parents though. My Mom is the alcoholic. Dad is not.
Dad just simply doesn't have the gene or drive for it like my Mom does. Just know, if your parent/parents do not want help then there is no way you can convince them to do it.
Case in point. I am pretty far away from my parents.
I have spent quite a bit of time trying to convince my Dad that Mom has a problem.
Even to this day, he's still playing the "control" game with her as a way of proving it to himself that Mom is not an alcoholic.
Mom really doesn't believe it because in her mind, if she's an alcoholic then she's sick and if she's sick her family will commit her and that is a fate worse than death.
Sad.
My Mom anxiously avoids any conversation with me about alcohol and if I bring it up she laughs nervously and changes the subject.
The thought that her daughter is currently in recovery and is an alcoholic is too much for her to bear.
I could be wrong on all of this, I just know that it kind of goes back to the saying "you can bring a horse to water but you can't make it drink"
Same thing goes for an alcoholic.
You can try and try to get them to stop but if they're not hitting a real bottom then you might not have much success.

tigerlover

I was where you are. I hope i dont get flagged for saying this but. . my mother died. their body organs start to shut down, one, by one, by one. your mother is dying darling. And you might be the only one who can stop her. You have the chance I didnt. My mom didnt admit to me she drank until she was under hospise care, on her death bed. You have to tell her to stop. Show her scary videos on youtube, beg, plead, do anything to her her to stop. Of course shell have to ween off. youve got to save her life. You mite be the only person who can make her realize what shes doing to her self. id do anything to help. Give her my email, let her hear my story, u can email me too. firelovesice******.com Save her.

irisgardens

I 'woke up' to the fact that my parents were alcoholics as I worked through my 2nd daughter going through drugs...crystal meth. Always knew that hubby's Dad was an alcoholic, but I was in deep denial with a mother who told me all the flaws of Dad's 6 siblings...around alcohol, prescription drugs, etc. but we were perfect.

I had never been a drinker...had enough energy and optimism, but it was clear that there was something going on in my own family and I was on my 2nd addict child. Siblings in my family had 'joked' at one time about the alcohol in the soda bottles, but it took a long time for that to sink in to and for me to realize that mother was an alcoholic...and that the vodka bottle that my Dad and Mom drank out of from the time I was 10 or 11 (& remember) was omnipresent. Mom switched to wine at some point...Dad died 13 years ago. Nobody in my family of origin 'remembers' what they said about the drinking and are so resistent to taking steps that I became the scapegoat.
It was horribly painful to find that these fine christian people were going to turn on me and not stand by me with my kids. I am on my third child...the previous two are functioning, but not in recovery...and it is very difficult to understand that nothing I say or do has been heard, but rather judged and for the past 12 years...mother has told everyone I am a druggie (on anti-depressants & doing well) and mentally unstable, requiring major medical care. I finally went NC in February. She is still drinking heavily I am told and doing just 'fine' and 'happy'. My kids recently all told me that I am mentally unstable. I have a fine professional job, have crisis problem solved all my life (part of the oldest ACOA profile), given everything that I was and had to these people. I have asked my HP to lead me to a healthy life. I am following. They are alcoholics...the actions are alcoholic. It took me years to get past my inhibitions to say it...and when I did...and asked for help with my own addicts...was scapegoated in two families. I am ready for the true family in my life...and have found the few who are there with me. It has been like having arms and legs amputated to find out that these people are incapable of being loving or caring or accepting. It is what is true. The only person who gets their heart broken is me. Live and learn.