Stilltrecking

Six weeks ago i sat on my bed, the last oxy sniffed, knowing that that night was the last night for ages that i would feel any kind of pleasure. I fell asleep, and woke up in my first day of recovery. I felt awful. Sick, no energy, pesemistic thoughts circled my head "I ******* SUCK I AM A PIECE OF **** NO ONE LIKES YOU". Honestly some of those things could have been true. Using turned me into an unstable monster. Those first two weeks i hated everything about myself and my life. Failing grades, damaged relationships, and of course no energy to fix these things. The first two weeks i did everything i could to just tough it, and somehow i did. The first month days seemed like weeks, weeks seemed like months, and that month felt like a year. One of the roughest "years" of my life. I burried myself in life improvement, hitting the gym non stop, staying on SR, and commiting to being a bigger man. Things have gone wrong in these last six weeks that have crushed me, but recently i just feel more resiliant. After the first month someone saying "your just a junky" doesn't crush me like it used to. That resliance i feel is called pride, pride in my recovery, pride in my self. Something i had not felt in years. Today i have six weeks clean. I still struggle. I still have thoughts of using. Life still is not a walk on the beach. But i am strong and i have energy now. I new found zest for life that strengthens each week. I am not the same as before i used though. I cannot stay up two nights and a row and feel great the next day. I have to be healthy, eat healthy, work out, and manage stress differently. But i also have a new found appreciation for the simple things that i didn't have prior to using. The feeling of warm water in the shower. The sunshine. Thinking about the future. I read comments on here from people in their first few weeks of recovery that sounded so much like myself. "I HATE MYSELF, I DID IT TO ME, EVERYTHING IS AWFUL." All those things are true. But here comes the tough love. What are you going to do about it? Are you going to keep taking pills and stop breathing one night? Die and have fixed nothing? Or are you going to make a stand with knowledge and guarentee that things get better, and make something of yourself. Prove to yourself that you are worth something and have the strength to break your ties with what ever vice you have? If i can do it you can do it. It won't be easy, but its possible.

finaltime

I am proud of you for getting through this, it will only get better. 6 weeks is AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We all struggle. There are some days where all I think is F IT I am going to use today. Then I just keep on pushing through, and somehow I make it. I have slipped up, I have really made bad decisions, but if I can lay my head down on the pillow at night, say the Lord's prayer and thank him for being single it feels good, damn good. And the next morning not waking up with that blanket of guilt, I get so so so happy. Not to mention how I can spend money on shopping, hanging with friends, instead of paying my dealers bills, I feel even MORE HAPPY!

BFD

You are definitely one of my biggest heroes on here. We have gone through so much together. I'm happy to see all of us still on here. I don't fool myself into thinking I won't fail in this mission. I have heard that is one of the biggest downfalls to recovery, thinking you're above it all. I know this animal will bite me again. I just hope to hell that I can bite it back. Thanks for posting.