liam96

A Little about me.
I began experimenting/dabbling with the usual;alchohol,cannabis, even various solvents, during my eerley teens. A classic start one might say, which eventually led onto harder class A subtances, allthough no signs of the Addict, as yet!
Through a mate from school, who,s sister was well known and connected within the Towns Drug population, i began my journey into a life of drugs and all the splender that accompanied them.During the last few terms at school, things got moving, my friends an i were trying all sorts, i suppose we were competitive with each other too. I moved out from my parents, and stayed at a mates, as to be in the heart of all of it! Lsd and speed as well as cannabis was our main drugs of choice, tripping on my birthday, then at seventeen was given my first fix, of speed, then of coke and that hooked the worm. Allthough a bout of Glandular Fever whilst at Stonehenge Festival, thankfully made me pull on the reigns, well for a while anyway.
I had made friends and connections in the Festival scene, which helped me in buisness no end, i levelled out on the drug taking, and for a few years was fairly content and happy with life.At the end of the 1980,s and into the 1990,s our lives crossed with the Free party and rave scene. This opened up all sorts of doors, some good and then some bad, and then on the downhill slide of a comedown after partying, i tried Smack, and that was it! Everything i had in my life i ****** up, friends, partner, family, not to mention all the money, slowly but surely over the years to come i was to **** it all up, I had a beautiful girlfriend, she got me off the **** for a couple of years,she miscarried our child,things between us got bad, then we had a severe break-up and i relapsed and we parted company. My using then led me to crime, after the money was gone, then jail, and more crime, then after about a decade of using and messing my life up, my Health began to go, from all the abuse to my body and my low resistance, i got an infection on my heart, at the same time ulcers in my stomach. I was in hospital for over a month, luckily the anti-biotics worked and i pulled through, but not without putting a lot of strain on my heart and health.
Whilst in hospital i done my withdrawl, after all that time, it was hell, but i suppose being on the painkillers and other drugs for my heart trouble,etc, helped along with methadone, and i left hospital clean.
To be discharged, i was given an utimatum of rehab/hospital or to my parents, i chose my parents, and not really understanding my addiction at the time, thought a move and a change and the rest would be easy! Ha.
To begin with, the move did me the world of good, i was eating well, beginning to get fit again, as i had lost a lot of weight whilst in hospital. I was meetin new people and making friends, i was going out to the bars and pubs and having fun again, like before i started using smack, and it was good.
New town, New start,etc,etc. How wrong i was. My addiction was purely lying low, dormant if you like! As the months went by then into the next year
and by this time i was getting involved in a few ventures, one of these was helping to put on music at venues locally, i was really having fun.
But with out really realising, i had met, in my circles of friends, a few closet smack-heads. Then i was at the top of that slope again,Just a little smoke on sunday mornings after a good event and well earned, of course, would,nt matter, surely!
What a **** i was, eh. In know time i,d met the local dealers, and the rest is history, so to speak. Soon i was bang at it, losing most of my friends, again along the way, with all the selfish and maniputive behaviour of mine what did i expect. Soon i was on a script to add to things, then i was selling again, my using got right out of control, and i got right into crack too, just to put the icing on the cake, so to speak.
I had tried crack years before, but only on and off really, prefering the brown.
But my cravings intensified, i was in a relationship for a few years, we both used and then i left her, really , i suppose for the drugs(again).
I Went into overdrive, of course this did,nt last to many years, as my health and body could,nt take it, i ended up, again in Hospital, this time close to death, and for nearlly four months. I was seriously ill.
Again, luckily the anti-biotics and meds worked and i thought to get better, i left hopital, and allthough i had my own home, i went to stay with my family, as i needed help, and again they helped and fed me, etc. I had cleaned up and was on the mend, as i had to have major heart surgery in a few months time, as my heart was week and as long as i stayed clean, the surgeons would peform the operaition, so i did.
Months later, after recovering from my operation, i decided to move away from what i thought was my troubles, area,people, association, etc. (Pointing the finger out, not in,eh!) Anyway i moved to a bigger town, a new area, new start,etc, (sound familier). after a few months i,d ****** it up, i was drawn to it, within no time at all, i was back on it all.
For nearly another decade, lost in the hell of addiction, and all the pain i caused to my family, what friends i had left, and to myself still did,nt seem to hurt the addict in me, for ***** sake! I kept on using, losing my self along the way, i turned into a paranoid wreck, living day to day, if you could call it living, existing, more like. I Hardly fed myself, lost so much weight, not to think of the damage done to my health over the years.
I Have though, the majority of the time allways took my meds, the ones for my Heart! i,m referring to, which has probably kept me ticking along all these years, dispite all the abuse, Eventually tho, something had to give! You would think after life threatening illnesses, etc, not to mention the rest of it, that i would have had enough of it all, or at least my body would have done, but know, still the addict. I Got a leg ulcer, after having d.v.t,s and a blood clot a wound from an accident got infected and ulcerated, it would,nt heal up, and after three to four years of treatments and dreesings,etc, i was told the leg would if i did,nt sort my life and my health out, Have to be amputated.
I think that was where i hit my rock bottom, my life was a real mess at that point and i was going to lose my leg, if not careful.
That was just under a year ago now, i got rid of both my brown and white habits last summer, i am still on a methadone script, but am reducing very slowly, i will probably go to rehab for the last bit, i go to meetings a few most weeks, and a support workshop in the days, during the week. These all seem to help me, but thats me, i have managed to turn things around with my parents and family, where they are beginning to trust in me, and after all the **** and heatache i have caused them, i am truly grateful. My leg ulcer(still!) Is slowly healing,as is the rest of my body and i am to, i know i have a long road ahead of me, but i am on the right one, at least, and moving along it to.
After nearly three decades of using, i expect it will take however long to recover, but i am recovering slowly, i would like to thank this site and all who use it to, as i get so much from it all, i hope my story help in some way!
Getting of the drugs has not been easy, i,ve had slips, tho fewer as the months went by, and i know i,ll probably have ones in the future, or maybe i won,t, you can but try, and stay the course, but i,m possitive and hopeful, i am slowly rebulding my self-cofidance,self-esteem and bit by bit beginning to repair and i feel that maybe there is a higher power over me, as the **** i have gone through, put myself through, and i am still here! That gives me some reason to continue, thanks to all.thanks

joygirl

Liam,
Wow! Welcome here to SR. I too get tremendous help, support and encouragement from this site.
Keep it up. It sounds like with your family is where you need to be for a while, yes? Love heals too.

liam96

Thanx 4 ur reply, after putting it all into words, it makes it easier for me to try and understand myself and my addiction, one might say " a glutten for punishment", reflecting on it all, but when your deep into your using, the years fly by and you plod on in some foggy existance, i am so glad to be on a better road now, and seeing and feeling and living. thanks to all.

Pamel

Quite a story. Thanks for reminding us how much we gamble with our addictions. Stay strong.