BFD

I'm here. I've just been hiding bc I have been going thru mild withdrawals. I am sure it's from the stuff used before I woke up, bc I only used 7 tabs in 3 days. 3 day of surgery; 3 the next day, and 1 the next to get myself going for work. To be completely honest, I didn't need the last one. I took it bc I was afraid I'd get dope sick. After I realized that and admitted it to a friend, I tossed the rest of the rx. I've been "okay", I guess. Not quite where I was but not near as bad as before. Does that make sense? The thing I'm battling most with is my temper. Holy crap I'm mad. I don't know why. But last night I was at a club for my friends bday celebration. This big girl kept body blocking me when we tried to get back to where we were standing after a potty break. I lost it. I started throwing punches and shoving her. I hit her over and over in her head. I lost my mind. It was just so fast. My husband says she threw elbows at me but I don't remember that. I just remember her shifting her body every which way to NOT let me thru and... I just snapped. I lost it. I am hiding in bed today in shame. I don't know who I am anymore.

1Dayatatyme

Good morning, BFD,
This is just a suggestion, but perhaps you can find a healthy NA, AA, or other 12 step group in your area? My experience during my last recovery was that working the steps with a sponsor was instrumental in ridding myself of anger and resentments... just cuz the dope is gone does not mean that we are "cured"... there is a saying "if a drunken horse thief gets sober, he is still a horse thief" or something to that effect. There are causes and conditions that are core issues of why we became addicts/alcoholics... they need to be addressed.
I don't want to make you feel more shame... but I would suggest that you remember one thing... we can ALWAYS walk away... physical violence is not the answer... it would be sad if you got clean only to be arrested for assault... BREATHE... WALK AWAY.... JUST DON'T USE!!!

joygirl

BFD,
It happens. Coming here to vent was a good thing. Now let it go, rest up.

Stilltrecking

Hey BFD, i havent been on in a while either, but i am happy you didnt just "scrap" your recovery after this surgery. To be honest when you were talking about it early i was thinking to myself "there goes BFD". I am glad your still here and i struggle alot too with the temper and feeling like i deserve more at day 42. But why would i after all the heartful things i did on drugs? I have learned that i have to earn my sense of well being. Be a bigger man, help others, improve on my life. Hang in there BFD you are a huge part of my recovery.

Olivilo

BFD, sorry I was missing for a cpl of days. My dear husband surprised me with wknd in Vegas (not a big fan anymore but got to shake my booty for a bit so feeling good about the trip).
Looks like u haven't wasted any time urself lol. Do u feel better now? I know what moody is, I was like that for 2 weeks after I quit but I used my husband as a punching bag cause he was still using and seemed too happy while I was going thru all that hell, at that time i wanted him to hurt too, not very nice of me is it lol, well I'm not claiming I'm the nicest girl out there, and when my body and mind were possessed I was bad.
I hope that girl didn't take it to the next level by calling the cops or anything cause that is always my fear. The good thing is that u r back to ur routine tomorrow, work, family, responsibilities etc. plus u r super strong, u went thru hell before and u succeeded, those mild wds are nothing to a woman like u! U got this girl! Have a great day tomorrow, be strong!

BFD

Thanks, everyone. Today is much better. She didn't do anything afterwards, she just kind of looked dumbfounded. It was definitely lucky that I didn't get arrested. I cannot even believe I did that. I'm SO not a violent person. I went to high school in Montgomery Alabama, where I was the minority. There were maybe 20 white kids in my school. I was harrassed a lot. I was picked on a lot. I was pushed into lockers a lot. I never once fought back. Oh, I'd trade barbs back and forth, and make faces. But I never got into a fight. I am still in shock that I did that. My husband was about 5 feet behind me drinking his beer, and when it happened, he spit his beer out LOL. He just couldn't believe it. He wasn't mad at me, he thought it was kind of funny, but he knows how bothered I am about this. It just isn't ME. I guess we all break at some point. A while back, I told someone on here that was suffering from anger issues to go buy one of those box sets of dishes from WalMart and go break them somewhere. I do believe I need to do that...