peacedove

Vale, in one of your recent posts you used the word sensitive and suddenly the memories of several comments/replies the AAXBF said to me flooded my brain. Often, if we had a conversation or discussed something where our opinions differed or I was expressing feeling hurt, etc...he would say "WOW, you are soooooooo sensitive" or "Man, you really need to get over the sensitivity, hon." I remember looking at him and saying "huh? it's normal in this situation to feel this way" or thinking "Wha?Wha?What??"
Today, I believe it was just more BS, more mindgames, put downs with a twist, negating my feelings, etc...
Sensitive is not a bad word--don't get me wrong--and it sure wasn't used incorrectly here--not at all. I just wondered if anyone else ever had this happen to them along the way and what is it all about when it happens?

Lily1918

one word for you: manipulation.

just my two cents

peacedove

yes. eventually i will learn to not have these questions or to answer my own and it will most likely always come back to MANIPULATION. i don't know what stage i'm in but i'll be glad to exit the one where things flood your brain you hadn't thought of before. maybe i'm actually reading too much and getting too much information. who knows...

Vale

Hi peacedove,

Here was my missive:
===========================================
Wicked has it right........he's chumming for codie!

Pulling out all the stops...."you MUST be seeing someone"....next it'll be something you
are very sensitive about.....like "I wouldn't use if you _________________"

Blah,blah,blah..........it never changes.
================================================== ===
The context was......whatever 'triggers' you-----the addict uses to their advantage.
Everyone has something,and after you get to know them----this knowledge can be
weaponized and used against them to gain leverage.
Perhaps someone is sensitive about the usual suspects (attainment,looks,health,etc)
.....perhaps something else.The key to getting and keeping quality friends is never
"nuking them" (even if you can).

I am a firm believer in the axiom-----in time they will forget what you said,and even
what you did------but they will NEVER forget the way you made them feel.In all the time
I interacted with the addict I cared about----I never nuked her.Believe me she was the
easiest target imaginable.I treated her with dignity and respect----even as everyone else
in her world treated her like a piece of trash.

I'm proud of that.For all of the angst these lost souls cost us----I still believe in my
deepest soul that NONE of them chose (or would choose).....this horriffic fate if they had
known the full cost of their decisions.

mely86

I treated her with dignity and respect----even as everyone else
in her world treated her like a piece of trash.

So, do u think it is ok to treat the addicts with respect? Even when they do all those nasty things to us, even when they use our weaknesses against us after all the caring we provided?

mely86

...cos I did respect him but he must have taken that as an invitation to walk on me even more!!

Vale

mely86,

I think it is important for us,not them.If you read into it
a motivation of altruism,that'd be a mistake.Pure self preservation
and selfishness would be far more accurate----and honest.

When people get you to lower and/or debase yourself---
they win.This persons own flesh & blood (kids) called her
unspeakable things;her own husband of 20+ yrs called her a
"stupid c**t".

BTW,their lives (her family) are all going into the toilet at a rapid
clip (addiction).All that venom had nowhere to go and it vaporized
an entire Boston family.

Bottom line.Yes,I do think it is important we treat our fellow
human beings with empathy & respect-----important for US.All the
major faiths acknowledge this----as well as the fact that bitter
resentment is an acid that cannot be contained in even the strongest
container (or soul).It WILL prevail eventually.......and destroy.

As far as an invitation to "walk on me more",that is where NC
(no contact) comes into play.If the strength to do this cannot be
found in one's composition...............then the game is already
lost and further operational/personal/tactical options are merely
exercises in futility.

>>>>>>>>>>>>So, do u think it is ok to treat the addicts with respect?
Even when they do all those nasty things to us,
even when they use our weaknesses against us after
all the caring we provided?<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Yes.
The "caring we provided" was OUR choice,not theirs.
Facing the consequences of our choices is a hallmark
of an authentic human existence.

Good Luck.

peacedove

Yes, acknowledge that we "chose" our own path, too. We chose to be there and we chose to love them. Were we hurt? Yes. Thank God we have the capacity to feel and experience hurt. Some do not. Although it is hard to get through it because I personally would not do it to someone else--that is me--that is my choice as well. There is a huge lesson in all this--or hundreds upon hundreds of lessons--to learn about myself. Forget about the ex's and/or what they did that hurt or used us or made us feel bad. Focus on ourselves. Learn from it and continue to love as well as be loved. Everything is not peaches and cream for the ex's either. Hello, we were there. We do remember this, too. It is the reason we are no longer with them. They have their own private hell, in my opinion. It is said it gets worse. I don't wish my ex any worse, believe it or not. I only want to be myself again...but better!