Lily1918

I am not going to speak to him.
He is still denying relapse.
I will not be taken for a fool.
Im not sure how I feel. Im thinking about him a lot. Im trying so hard not to.
maybe some math homework will help.

I told his brother that he is gaslighting everyone and playing the angel of light. I don't have "proof" but I KNOW.

he has done the same for me in the past.

None of this is my problem. none of this is my fault. I am going to be ok. God is good all the time. fake it till you make it. Hold on to what is good. count my blessings. easier said than done. I still haven't cried yet.

shinebright7

Regardless of whether he has actually used or not...it sounds like the Beast of addiction is still alive in him. Maybe that's what you're sensing.

Lily1918

I went to get ky piano. I didn't expect him to be there. He was. He appeared to be detoxing. He admitted to relapsing. He says he is getting back up from the fall.
I said we were taking a break. I loved him and would pray for him. He asked if we can still go to the same church I said of course.
He says he will see me tomorrow. Whatever. ya right.

I am glad he admitted it. I feel validated.

I wonder if he will stay sober and make it through withdrawl.
not my problem. not my problem not my problem.

Lily1918

Im starting to feel the big cry coming on. oh god I am trying to keep it together until the kids go to bed.

I can do it. I think I can I think I can. just for today. just for today. just for tomorrow. just for tomorrow. Im ok. no Im not. My head hurts and It feels like its spinning. I feel drunk but Im not.
I am struggling. I am hurt. I am sad. but all things will work for good for me. My HP tells me so. I HATE it!!!!! I HATE IT!!!! I HATE IT!!!!

my smile is painted on. the children are laughing and playing. I REFUSE to let them see. I don't want to set them or to feel that hey need to make me feel better. I must be strong for them.
I have smoked and entire pack of cigarettes today.
Im lonely. I just need to get it all out. I need to run. I want to sleep it all away. I want a glass of wine. I REFUSE I will feel these emotions. they are only emotions.

I withdrawing from him. I know it. it hurts so bad because I don't want to break down in front of the kids. they go to bed in one hour and I am counting the minutes so I can have a good cry

EverHopeful721

I'm so sorry you are hurting so badly tonight, Lily. I know how you must feel, it's like on one hand you got the validation you were looking for, but on the other hand is the COST of getting that validation. I know you would have much rather been wrong about your suspicions... Just hang in there and once the kids go to bed, let yourself cry it all out. We're all here for you to help you get through this. Sending great big (((HUGS))).

LoveMeNow

(((Lily))) I understand how devastating relapse can be, most of us can. You are not alone, we are all here with you in spirit. I pray you continue to find comfort in God's word.

Vale

We're sorry you are going through this.