MTSlideAddict

I have been thinking very hard for the past few days. I am realizing how much I really do enable my AH without even trying or knowing it. When I first started to research Alcoholism and what an enabler is I told myself I will not enable him anymore. If he makes a mess during his episodes he cleans it up. If he posts weird stuff on Facebook when in a stupor it is his responsibility to explain those posts. I decided I would no longer participate in the purchase of alcohol, or in being a drinking buddy. All that is great, but enabling really goes much deeper. I realized this to a lesser extend before, but theses few days I watched myself scoop in and rescue. It was his responsibility to pick up my niece from work, but he wasn’t able. Someone had to do it, so I rescued. It is his responsibility to make sure the dog gets fed in the evening when I am at work, but he wasn’t capable. The dog needs to eat, so I rescued. Last night, on my way home I see my primarily indoor cat running a neighboring street at ten o’clock at night. We have Coyotes in the neighborhood and to a cat that spent most of their life in apartment living this can be dangerous. What did I do? I corralled her inside, thus cleaning up HIS mess. These are all examples of joint responsibilities, but it really shows how intertwined an Alcoholic can be with their enabler. The only way for an Alcoholic to truly get better is to feel the consequences of their actions. Only then can they realize the extent of their problem. If I keep rescuing the cycle will continue, and I will be along for the miserable ride.

Yesterday I had a talk with our marriage counselor on how to present a divorce. She is an addiction counselor, so I trust that she can give me good advice, or at least a good referral. I made an appointment to see her without my husband on Monday. I still have that lawyer that I spoke with regarding a divorce last year’s number saved in my phone, and I hovered on it once again yesterday. Baby steps through the fear and I will eventually reach my happiness.

dandylion

Dear MTSlide, I know how hard it is to identify "enabling", sometimes---especially, at first.

So, I just wanted to give you this tip: Consider the impact on yourself when making the decision--your welfare comes first. Also consider any harm to a third party as well as your own moral compass. Example: The dog and cat are of great value to you and I am sure that morally you would never want harm for them--therefore, I don't see that caring for them as enabling your husband.

Another example: Say, he was supposed to pay the electric bill and didn't--and you and the children would have to be in the dark and cold---I don't see a problem with paying the bill yourself.

Thought this might help....

dandylion

MTSlideAddict

Yes, most definitely I will take care of the joint responsibilities as such, and I do understand your reasoning as to how the taking care of the joint responsibilities and the things that I love may not be viewed as an enabling act. It may not be a deliberate act of enabling, but the reason I mention it to be an enabling act is that it is making accommodations to allow the alcoholic to continue to drink. He knows I will take care of it if he can’t. This morning he woke up, the dog had been fed, the cat inside safely, the food him and the niece prepared stored away, and our niece sleeping soundly in bed. He suffered absolutely no consequences for his drinking, because I took his load of the responsibilities as well as mine. These are things that I cannot just stop doing, so these are things that he can feel confident that I will take care of when he drinks. We are entagled, so basically by me holding up his weight I am making accommodations for him to be able to drink.

LifeRecovery

Good topic.

I found when I started to finally be in reality about his drinking that it was not hard to set boundaries about the obvious enabling (or the "big" enabling) I was doing. Buying alcohol, being a designated driver etc.

It was the small, day to day stuff that was really hard for me to entangle myself from....and in all honesty was probably there prior to the relationship on my part in my "definition" of how I was supposed to behave.

I had to see it first before I could change it....congrats on a huge step in the journey.

AnvilheadII

We are entagled, so basically by me holding up his weight I am making accommodations for him to be able to drink.

then you have to ask what VALUE is there to keeping him around? If you feel you are providing the framework for him to continue to drink, how do YOU change that?

SolTraveler

I agree with Dandylion in that there are some things that you just have to do, unfortunate as it is. I also feed my ABF's dog when he forgets, which is all the time. I let him out. Then he wonders why the dog gets more excited when he sees me than him...

My Mom also had a major issue with this when she was with my dad (who now has been sober for 30 years, but was a terrible drunk for 20). She couldn't let him just drive the car and crash it, because she needed the car too and couldn't afford, literally, to let him hit bottom that way. She couldn't let him lose his job because we relied too much on his income. The list went on and on. In her case, she got fed up and left rather than waited for him to hit bottom because it just wasn't a possibility for her.

But anyway. Don't be too hard on yourself. Hardline not enabling is pretty much impossible when you live with an A. You can only do what you can do, and it sounds like you are pretty vigilant about it whenever possible.

wolfpackfan45

I've struggled with enabling and what it really entails too. I've never enabled my 22 year old RAS by buying alcohol or cleaning up after his drinking, but I HAVE enabled in other ways. I've bought new cellphones after he lost several while drunk (telling myself I HAVE to get in touch with him while he's away at college) and I've replaced articles of clothing after he lost those (probably drunk). No more. I've learned he has to take responsibility for his own actions. I think caring for your pets up is ok (even though it's upsetting and a pain) because obviously the poor things will suffer due to his negligence.

MTSlideAddict

Yes, this exactly where I am at in this thought process. What IS the value of continuing in this relationship? I am not only aiding in his lack of progress, but I am maintaining my level of misery. Every time he drinks I must pick up his slack, thus causing extra stress and worry onto me. I cannot just ignore these things, because they are important joint responsibilities, so the only way to stop the extra stress and worry is to detangle myself. This way I have my own responsibilities and can plan as to how I need to take care of them instead of running around at odd hours of the late evening trying to corral them inside.

SolTraveler

It sounds like you are making great personal progress, MT. I am glad to hear it

outonalimb

MTSlide....you've made some really great observations.

When we live with the active alcoholic we almost HAVE to pick up the slack because in so many instances WE are the ones who will ultimatelly suffer for their actions. If we have children (like your neice) or pets that we love and care for, we really have to step in. And yet, each time we do, that level of resentment grows.

At some point, the scales tip and the relationship simply becomes one-sided. Towards the end of my marriage, I yearned for a relationship with someone who was a real life partner. One who was working towards the same basic goals. One who didn't pull in the opposite direction and pull me away from my higher self. I realized I wasn't in a 'relationship' anymore. Active alcoholics don't have relationships. They take hostages.

I know its a difficult process sorting through all of the layers...figuring out what's yours to deal with and whats his. After years of being enmeshed it's hard. But your asking the right questions...keep going. Keep asking those tough questions and keep seeking your truth. We're all walking beside you in the process.

Hugs...
Mary