scotchbotch

Well... I haven't been here in a few weeks. Started out because I was sick and then it was time for my Rx to be refilled and guess what.... I refilled it.

I set up a reminder on Monday to celebrate 30 days. Well, I can't do that because I didn't do it. I feel almost at piece with my wd's because I know that I did this to myself. I'm going to do my best to not skip a beat (I know it will be hard) and to get stuff accomplished this week.

Yeah.... I'm pretty pissed at myself but I try and keep my anxiety in check. Hello again day #1. (damn)

scotchbotch

Well.... day 2 is here and my conscious is creeping in on me making me feel pretty ****** about my decisions. I look back at November when I 'decided' that I wanted to quit and it would have been almost 6 months.

I was so confident a little over 30 days ago that I was never going to use oxy again, but I did. It's a little voice inside my head when its time to get my rx filled that says "you'll never be without pain unless you take me". The mental games that occur when my Rx is ready is absolutely crazy.

I just want my mind to be off of this crazy train. I'm happy for the people that are clean 30 days and I'm pretty pissed at myself that I'm not. I think is all the back peddle thinking that bring the anxiety on.

I don't know... I guess I'm just expressing my thoughts to anybody who wants to listen. If anybody else has been where I'm at on this cycle of wanting to quit but just not doing it.... please chime in and let me know what it took for you to finally make it.

Mountainmanbob