javalena

I've recently started seeing someone who divulged to me that they've been drinking since their college years, so a bit more than 25 years, but have been sober for 7 months (attend AA meetings nearly every night). Things started off in kind of a whirlwind romance, then this person just dropped off the face of the earth with the exception of intermittent and 'unattached' phone calls. I've got no evidence to say that they are drinking again, but the behavior is erratic and odd. The one instance I've tried to engage in a conversation about this, the person just blew up and blamed it on being busy at work, etc, etc.

Relationships start and relationships end; I've never dated anyone with an addiction before and this behavior just seems perhaps indicative of the 'disease' or perhaps that they are drinking again?

From what I'm reading here, perhaps it's just best to walk away at this stage rather than beat my head against a wall!? :-)

Thanks in advance for your thoughts!

Mountainmanbob

FeelingGreat

Hi Javalena; a few red flags there, and as your friend isn't willing to discuss this with you, get out while you can.
If he/she drops out of contact chance are they are drinking again. You won't be able to stop it.

javalena

Thanks for the replies! It confirmed my thoughts . . . it's unfortunate, because I had considered it to be a great connection. Perhaps too much too soon . . .
Thanks again!

DreamsofSerenity

I think the behavior is related to the disease.. And yes, you should probably walk away unless you're a glutton for punishment. I'm sorry.

NYCDoglvr

There's a saying: we're either walking towards a drink or away from a drink. I'm been sober in AA for two decades and I'm surprised that you think being with an active alcoholic is ok, that you won't pick up a drink. Do you have a sponsor, are you talking about this to other people in the program? I really hope you open up, because it's very unsafe for a recovering alcoholic (including me, with a lot of time) to be around an active alcoholic. Alcoholism is cunning, baffling and powerful, as Bill Wilson says in the Big Book. It takes more than just showing up at meetings to stay sober....our screwy thinking is riddled with denial and rationalization, we'll be dealing with these things our whole lives.

Sorry to sound so pessimistic, but this is a killer disease.

Reedling

Hard won wisdom!

NYC, I don't believe javalena has a drinking problem? She has not spoken to the issue. This post is on the Friends and Family of Alcoholics board, but there are surely people reading who are both As and in relationships with As (so your comment will doubtless help someone).

Recovering2

Dear javelina, I wouldn't say walk away ... I would say run. If what he told you is true, he is very early in recovery. So he is still a high risk for relapse. His recent behavior sounds very much like relapse. Trust me, if you've spent any time reading on here, you don't want to get on this insane roller coaster. You will spend the rest of your life beating your head against that wall if you stay. Let this person go, and find a healthy relationship.

javalena

Once again, thank you for the comments.

I have had no previous experience with alcoholics; I've only seen it from afar, so your insight into what this disease looks like and what behaviors might be indicative of the disease or relapse were really helpful.

I already found myself looking for whatever shortcomings in myself were making him pull away, so you are all right, this relationship is probably not something that would ever be healthy! (I was told that I don't understand the demands of a demanding job, so in essence called 'needy'. I guess that is the beginning of guilt/pinning it on the other, or whatever it might be.)

Just to clarify for NYC, I am not an alcoholic - in fact, rarely drink, but I appreciate your comment.

Crazed

Detached, odd, erratic behavior, shifting blame, etc.... Very common from what I have seen.

When I started a relationship with my EXAG, I had zero experience with alcoholism. It wasn't until some time in that I realized that she had a serious alcohol issue. I always considered myself to be pretty "normal." Then I slowly developed some pretty unhealthy coping mechanisms- Minimizing, rationalizing, accepting blame, carrying guilt, and generally accepting unacceptable behavior from another human being. I somewhere began to treat her alcoholism like a "get out of jail free" card. Thirteen years later, as much as I want to say I have no idea how I got to this place in my life, that would be untrue. I continued to stay with someone that I loved, that could not quit drinking.

For you and your healthy future, I would not recommend you follow the same path as myself (and so many others hurting on this forum).

But the choice is yours.

SolTraveler

As someone who has been in recovery for a year, I would say that he may or may not be drinking, but the dropping contact/secretive behavior is a red flag. Someone who isn't willing to share is probably hiding something or is just not ready for a relationship.

Just my 2 cents.

CeciliaV

That behavior is definitely a red flag, drinking or not. If someone is pushing you away, then it's likely time to just walk away.

javalena

Thanks again!

Yes, there is certainly 'red flag' behavior (limited communication, detachment, anger) and typically I think I am good at reading this writing on the wall, but it's as Crazed suggested, I started to 'generally accept unacceptable behavior from another human being. I somewhere began to treat alcoholism like a "get out of jail free" card'.

The person in question started things with such a 'bang', made huge statements of commitment, really pushed the envelope in terms of making an emotional connection and forming a committed relationship in the early stages (I guess those should have been red flags too, but I was 'falling') that the sudden change had me utterly confused, but again I was giving him latitude because of the 'disease'. I guess I need to remind myself, that no matter what, we all deserve to be treated in a manner which leaves us feeling good and not unworthy and rejected.

Moving on . . . and thank you for the insight.

dandylion

Dear javanela, a basic purpose of dating is to become acquainted---and to determine if the other person is a good choice--should you carry the relationship further.

So, I would say that you met that goal--and, early on (yea). You got enough information to make a sound decision for yourself!

Congratulations.(smile)

dandylion

DG0409

You are right that those things should have been a red flag, too. Those types of red flags are the hardest to notice. Things like saying 'I love you too' soon and pushing for commitment early on also happen to be signs of abusive relationships. It's just so hard to pick up on and notice because you're falling for somebody and they're telling you 'I really like you' and it all sounds so nice. But if it sounds too nice too fast, take a close look. I learned that one the hard way. From my observations, the other time people seem to really show those signs are when they are jumping into a relationship too soon after something else and kind of using it as a way to fill a hole. For example, directly after the end of another relationship, although I do wonder if quitting drinking could cause the same affect.

Anyway, sounds like you've got this pretty figure out. hugs.

tootsl1

Hi Javenela, just to add, early on in sobriety, we can be filled with an unrealistic euphoria, about out abilities to stay sober and to maintain relationships. A lot of alcoholics, myself included, either drink to avoid issues, or remain emotionally immature through the suppression of emotions. Once we become sober, these feeling can come flooding back and if nor ready to deal a person may revert to old ways of avoidance. It may also be that, having realised the depth of commitment at such an early time in their sobriety, this person just panicked. IMHO I feel you deserve better from a potential partner alcoholic or teetotaller. Best of Luck

fluffyflea

If someone was telling you this what would you say to that person?





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NYCDoglvr

YIPES! I apologize ... read your post wrong so forget what I said about YOU staying sober.