DreamsofSerenity

I just called my dad to say "hi" and he passed me over to his wife after literally thirty seconds. It went like this: Me: Hey Dad, Just calling to say Hi. Him: Oh, here's (name of step mother). I hardly ever see him, and I speak to him even less, so it hurts. It happens every time I call, but today it particulary bugged me. I felt totally rejected and unloved, and it just made me wonder if he's the reason I've never thought I deserved any better than an emotionally unavailable, mentally ill, or addicted man.

I'm not trying to blame him for my screwed up relationships; I own all that. It's more that for the first time in my life I'm really starting to accept that my dad doesn't want anything to do with me. I do believe he loves me on some deep inaccessible level, but that has never translated into any kind of relationship. And it's been that way my entire life.

I've always downplayed the pain my dad has caused me and tried to write it off as his quirkiness, probably because it was easier to accept. The problem is, when we don't accept and face the truth, it eats away at us and undermines our lives somehow.

My dad used to go to hookers when I was a kid all the time (while married to my mom). I have no idea how or why I know this, or why it just popped into my head. I do know that my mom tolerated it and was probably the one who told me about it. I'm starting to see that I was trained as a child by ACOA mother to take an inordinate amount of sh*t from men.

I wanted to post something about how angry I have been feeling towards my exabf, but now I'm just kind of sad. I guess I'm sharing because it feels good to get it all out.

Tuffgirl

Share away. It can be such a weight off of us to get it out of our heads.