choner11

I guess i may be searching for an answer i will never get, because life is so unpredictable. I so badly want the best for my ex and the father of our daughter. He has been clean and relapsed and been clean and relapsed etc etc. i guess i just want others stories on what was finally it for their loved one. Im having such a hard rime keeping faith in him,

Hanna

I still have no clue even though I was there for it. I suspect it was a whole bunch of intersecting things. I know that the key player who seemed to talk my brother into checking in was incredibly compassionate and understanding. She is a rare person in the community of addiction that isn't an addict yet many say she understands them like only another addict normally would. There was not one ounce of judgement coming from her. Man, it felt so hopeless until he went. Even after he went. But he did the work and today has a new story. Some of his motivation was just pleasing this woman, in the way a child would want to please a parent.

If we could figure it out, we could do some incredible things. Until then, I think of it as having happened in it's own good time.

lesliej

one of the powerful steps in recovery is "turning it over to your higher power"
I don't know, maybe it will help you...to not so much try to keep the faith in him...but keep having faith in something bigger than him. that has helped me a lot, alone we are weak, but in connection we become stronger. I hope he finds connection. XO

shinebright7

Choner - it is different for everyone. If you are able to, attend an open AA meeting and listen to their stories. I went to one a few weeks ago and heard over and over again examples of how they tried recovery (sometimes themselves and sometimes because they were forced to by the law, or others were begging them, etc.) and how it didn't stick until something inside them shifted. There was just a *moment* when it clicked.

I found it very powerful to hear these stories and realize that everyone is unfolding at their own pace. That is between them and God/Higher Power.

The question then becomes: how about us and our recovery?

When are WE going to get it that it's about us and not them?

When is it going to click for us that we need to get help for ourselves and work some kind of a program?

It happens when it does -- and not a moment sooner.

choner11

Thank you Hanna and lesliej. It seems (IMO) that there has been enough for him to want it, but obviously it hasnt up until this point. He is currently in a detox and then goin onto a rehab. He has the proper tools to get clean, its stayin clean he has a problem with. It seem when he has money in his pocket he relapses. He did mention that he has "issues" he hasnt dealt with that hes finally going to talk about. Maybe thats it? I dont know.

Shinebright7, once again thank you for your words. I actually did attend an AA when he was in a 90 rehab for family day. Its very sad to hear the stories and makes you wonder how something can be so powerful to control them. In my exes case, he seems to go from one substance to the next. But at this time hes currently in treatment ON HIS OWN, before it was because he was forced to. I believe thats a good step in the right direction but i also need to realize that no matter the outcome, its nothing i did or didnt. I guess it hurts me so much because i know how much he hurts because he really doesnt want this addiction consuming his life anymore. I wish we could just "fix" them. I am only responsible for myself. Thank u again!!

shinebright7

Yes - can be very hard to watch our loved ones suffer. Have had to extend that same compassion to myself and see that it's hard to watch ME suffer too. Trying to picture myself watching myself sobbing on the couch and shaking and worrying and not being able to sleep and trying to control things. Ugh. Like a bad movie, right!? So I wanna help me not have to live through that screen play again. LOL

choner11

Im trying to learn that im just as worthy as he is worthy to me. Im working on that. Because i do have a right to be happy, and the reason im not as happy as i should be is because of the destructive life i have lived with him and watching him suffer over and over again with a powerful addiction.

GuideMe

Well, if your asking "what was it that finally opened the addicts eyes" to want to stay clean??? Then of course it is a bit different for every addict but, a common one that I have heard over and over in the rooms has been that "they were just sick and tired of being sick and tired". Now I know that is broad but it's true. I was just that but, it still wasn't enough for me. Even the threat of my lady finding another place and taking my daughter with her wasn't enough. No money in the account wasn't enough. Not paying my bills wasn't enough. I hit my "a---ha" moment when I found this very website. I was just browsing online and I came across this forum and started reading threads in this section, the Friends and Family of substance Abusers. I couldn't find anything the day before and started withdrawing, and when that happens I start looking in websites that might make the night a bit more bearable even though I have had to do this a million times. Anyway, I came across this section and read from like 11pm till 6am or so. Just kept reading all the threads until I couldn't take it anymore. It wasn't until I realized what I was doing to my family and how I was making them feel, through other peoples trials and tribulations, did I really grasp the severity of my disease and what I was doing. It was all of your post that got me to that point and I am forever grateful for that. This forum and your stories saved my life. I love this website and this section. Does that make any sense or help at all? Hope so. Maybe my thread titled, "Not until I read your post" might help?

With Love and Blessings,
GuideMe.

Done_With_It

Going on a little over 7 years now (clean), for me it was hating who I had become, and being miserable, and scared. Right now I'm at a time in my life where I'm so busy, and overwhelmed at how busy I am, etc. I occasionally think , meth would fix this, for a split second, then reality reoccurs. But for a time, my only reality was meth will fix this. Over time I had to realize, Meth will not fix this. Let me think of something better, and then........ I did. Not sure if that helps, but it is what happened with me. I would not touch that stuff again. You mentioned having faith in him. I think you can have faith they will figure it out and they are right where they need to be. But having faith they will do the right thing, the way you think or want it to be, it's probably not gonna happen. In recovery I've kinda learned having faith in whatever the situation is, is what works, and helps me keep it.
<3

choner11

GuideMe, yes it does very much so. Im glad you were able to get clean. Congratulations. I also think its great that even while you were sick, reading others stories opened your eyes. I can only hope some day that my babys father "wakes up" too, before hes in prison again or dead. I also wish he could realize his potential as much as everyone else in his life does. Thank You again!!!

choner11

Done_With_It, way to go on 7 years clean. What a HUGE accomplishment. That in itself gives me hope! I know all cases are different, but still hearing what worked for everybody is great. Like ive mentioned, i keep trying to convince myself and KNOW that he has to do it and nobody else. I guess i just wish he would get as fed up with it as i am (and everyone else in his life). Thank you gor your words and Congratulations!!

allforcnm

My husband and I were seperated when he decided to stop. He tells me that he got tired of living the way he was. Tired of the drug friends who were not really his friends. He wanted our relationship back, he wanted to advance in his career and knew drugs would prevent this. He had a whole set of dreams and goals before drugs entered his life, and he wanted to get his life back on track so they could come true.

I think it is different for everyone, and it can be something big.. or something small. I also think it may have something to do with how far they have progressed.

choner11

Another question gor the both of you, did you get clean through a rehab or outpatient or did you do it on your own? Also i know each person is different but did you find it easier to get better hving someone beside you and counting on you? Or did you do it on your own? Thats my next battle with myself. Do i allow him to go through this program by himself so i know he is doing it for himself? Or do i root for him? I dont know, im just so exhausted from all the hurt his addiction has caused me... :'(

allforcnm

Once my husband made the choice to stop, he came home and asked for help. After that he did detox, and rehab. I stood by him from the time he reached out and asked for help. Each rehab has its own method, but his suggested a lot of family involvement. They wanted the family structure to be healed as much as possible before he returned home. So in our case, we actually worked on marriage counseling together for about 6 weeks of his 12 week stay in rehab. Some people here have told me that is not very common, but for us it worked really well.

Done_With_It

I pretty much did it on my own. I told one friend, but not many new about me, I was sitting under my desk one night, and I was writing suicide notes. I was @ that point of believing I could not stop but I couldn't do meth anymore, so I believed my only way out was suicide. I'm not sure what happened but I got online, (I started to research what was happening to me, my mind, etc.) then it kinda made sense to me. That's how I found SR, for the next year, or pretty much three years, but esp. the first, I lived on SR.
This forum kinda apopted me lots of moms routing for me, and since I could never tell my own mom, (cause of shame) I needed that.

I made a game plan in my head of what I thought would work for me, and it did. I think we all know ourselves a little better than we realize. If you see my signature picture, it's from my first month in recovery. I knew I had to replace meth, and learn to have fun again. I found a free Kenny Chesney concert (I had never heard of him) but I went.
The song living in fast forward made me completely lose it in a good way. '
It was then that I was like, Oh Damn......... I can do this? I really can do this.

I credit SR and the people on here so much, or I don't think I would have stayed or gotten clean. It was hard, I came here, yelled at people, cried.. a lot, and talked, talked talked......... I had more emotions than I knew what to do with. Everyone just loved me through it all.

So yea, that's what worked for me, and helping others as much as I could here. I think here is where I also realized, that this stuff really is llife or death. I did do some CM meetings here and there, but for me online recovery was what helped the most.

Not saying this would work for everyone, or anyone. Some people need meetings, a lot of people around, etc. But I just used what I could find to help me that I knew would work.

Kinda weird way to recover I guess, but I'm pretty Happy these days...

By the way, I was also a cutter and had an eating disorder when I stopped. (Meth, Cutting, Anorexia and Bulimia)
I've cut once since that day I gave it all up. But nothing else. I'm good as gold, ha ha I remember when I decided I wanted to stop it all, It was like looking at Mt. Everest and weighing a 1000 pds and knowing you gotta walk up that hill, or you WILL DIE........

tjp613

From time to time I have found it encouraging and helpful to listen to "XA Speaker Tapes" -- which are recordings of the speakers at various 12-step meetings, conventions, etc. Lots of insight to be found there.

Here's a link: XA-Speakers - The lights are on!

Here's another: NA Speakers, Narcotics Anonymous Streaming Audio, Narcotics Anonymous Speaker Tapes

choner11

Thank you tjp613