divinespark

This is my first post. I have been reading on here and some other websites for quite some time. Over the past few years I have grown to know and love a dear man, who had apparently at some point in the past used some serious drugs (many including IV opiates - H etc). So over the years our friendship has grown and his health has deteriorated, he has lost weight, etc. He has always been very up front with me about his PRIOR drug use. When I asked him how he stopped he said that he "just stopped." That he never did it every day, so he was able to maintain some control. And when he realized he needed to get off the IV use that he would just take a few percocet to take the edge off for a few days and taper off. And that was it. When asked about these days he said that occasionally he still took a few pain pills. But he is older and has a very physical job so being the naive person that I am that seemed quite reasonable. At this point most of you are probably wondering (as am I) how stupid am I? Well, like many of you I scored pretty high on my SATs and IQ tests if you know what I mean but....this Valentine's Day (about 2 months ago) I shared my feelings for him and he told me that he also loved me. We have grown quite close. Close enough that he told me that he WAS in fact occasionally using a few times a month (IV dilaudid) prior to Valentines, but that he has NOT used since, that he has been clean, has wanted to be clean for me, that he is willing to take a drug test, etc. He knows that I care for his health but do not pass any judgement other than that. I don't have any judgement against the actual drugs/drug use per se, since it is "not hurting anyone else" except that it DOES hurt everyone who cares about the drug user because of the health effects (and other potential consequences). Before we became intimate we were both tested and he was positive for Hepatitis C. He has seemed to take this pretty seriously. So question to the group...HOW STUPID AM I? This is the most sensitive, sweet, emotionally available man ever. Falling in love with him was like the first time I fell in love as a teenager (btw I am in my 40s now). So is he so super sweet and loving because that's how people on opiates are? Is it worth ordering the economy size of urine test cups from Walmart-Sam's Club to spot test him every week or so to put my mind at ease. Is it even possible for someone to "occasionally" shoot dilaudid? I guess that when it was something that he had one 5-10 years ago I thought we could maybe still have a "normal" life. Like if his health got bad enough, that I could marry him so that he would have health insurance etc. But now I'm thinking that legally tying myself to someone who really isn't that far into "recovery" is not a good idea EVER. And also if I am his sole reason for "recovery" geez, so that means that if now I have bit off a bit more than I can chew that he will go back to using? Part of me wishes I had just sat on this for the next 20 years (it had been about 3 years). And part of me still wants to nurse him and his liver back to health (and no I am not an actual nurse, but I want to see that he is taken care of). I guess that's my conundrum. I love him. I want to take care of him. I want him to be healthy and happy. I want him to be around. But I need to know that HE is also taking care of himself by not using, by not exposing his liver to toxic chemicals, by not exposing himself again to Hep C. Hell, I've got him on non-alcoholic beer and I'm trying to get him to cut back on cigarettes and coffee b/c they aren't good for his liver, but that's pretty much a moot point if there's a steady stream of dilaudid going in there, right?
Should I try and test? Or wake up and smell the coffee?

Impurrfect

(((divine))) - Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what brought you here. The replies to this thread may be a little slow, but then it's almost midnight where I live.

FWIW, I'm an RA (recovering addict) and a codie (codependent who has/had several loved ones who were/are still actively using. Oh, and I'm also a nurse who lost her career to addiction.

Do "normal" people use drugs such as dilaudid? No. It's a controlled substance and without a legal prescription from a dr., it is not okay. Shoot up (IV) drugs? Totally illegal and not used for the purpose it was designed....extreme pain.

Because I was a nurse, I used to use only sterile needles..never used on someone else. When I got into crack and was willing to use whatever anyone else had? I shared needles.

At 6+ years into recovery, I am blessed that I didn't contract anything congatious.

It took me quite a while to realize MY part in the addiction "dance". I let my XABF's (ex-addict boyfriends, of which I have THREE) convince me that there was no risk. I was sooooo wrong.

Please work on what YOU want in a relationship, read here and the friends & family/substance abusers forum to see what others have gone through in loving someone who is addicted to drugs.

I will never say that recovery isn't available, as I'm in it. I will say, though, that what *I* want from life is important!!

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

divinespark

How bout testing? Looks like someone named Lily is testing her man and he's coming out clean. My man actually suggested it so that makes me want to think that he's telling the truth. Are there reliable tests? I saw one online at Walmart that said it tested for a certain number of drugs including "Opiates (Heroin)". Now is that ONLY going to test for H or will that catch oxy, dilaudid etc. And yes, I actually know what dilaudid is for and that it is definitely not normal. He says it is pointless to take orally because he can't feel it. When he says he "hurts" and I offer him advil, he definitely seems uninterested. I guess thats b/c something like Advil wouldn't do anything for what is left of his pain receptors right? Any advice on testing would be greatly appreciated? Also, how long does one generally test for until one is convince that their significant other is actually being honest with them?

divinespark

Also he has VERY dark eyes so I cannot really tell from pupils. At nighttime I can't even differentiate a pupil. But I just think that's because his irises are super dark brown naturally.

Impurrfect

((divine)) - Though I never did it, I know of several A's who manipulated their drug screens to show "clean".

My personal opinion, having been on both sides of addiction? If you're at the point of testing them, you already know the truth....they're using

I will also say that we A's are famous for coming up for answers to a failed drug test.

Is this what you want? Testing him to see if he's using? Still wondering if the test was right? Looking for evidence that he is using?

His actions will show whether he is using or not. Is money disappearing? Is he where he says he will be when he's supposed to be?

I'm NOT saying to go private investigaor on those things. I'm simply saying that if you look at the overall picture, the answer will come. It may not be what we WANT it to be, but it's the truth and it's up to use to accept it and move forward....good or bad.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

divinespark

He is usually short on cash mostly b/c he is in a low paying part time job. He really only ever asks me for $10 to buy a couple packs of cigarettes and usually also can I stop at the 7-11 so we can pick them up (so that is actually what he is buying). And also he actually usually IS where he says he's going to be. Money is not disappearing and neither does he. But we don't live together at present. He is my neighbor a few streets over.

Mountainmanbob

Anna

I think that if you don't trust this man, (as in you believe you should be testing him), why would you consider staying with him? Trust is a foundation for a relationship.

My feeling reading your posts is that you are focusing way too much on him and his recovery. What about you? What are you doing for yourself? You might check out AlAnon as a support for you. Your boyfriend will get sober for himself when he decides the time is right.

NoelleR

"...he was positive for Hepatitis C. He has seemed to take this pretty seriously..."

You don't mention a time-line in your post (and none of my business, really), but you mention wanting to get/keep him healthy, off the booze, and off the IV use, but you don't mention anything about treatment for the Hep-C (usually anywhere from 24 to 48 weeks). I do hope y'all are doing something along those lines. I've lost friends from this, ......... and it ain't purty.

)o:
NoelleR

honeypig

Newbie myself, but echoing Anna's post--take some time to read posts in various areas of this forum, check out the stickied threads, recommended reading and so on. I would particularly direct you to the various "Family and Friends" parts of the forum, since that is likely where you will find the most useful info for your specific situation. Things should start to become clearer as you learn more.

Sorry to hear you're in this sort of situation but glad you found your way to SR!