would you listen to me tonite?
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 32
would you listen to me tonite?
Dear All,
I have been reading a lot of your posts lately...and i would like to thank you for sharing your stories...without them i probably would feel very depressed and lonely now. So thank you with all my heart. I dont go to alanon meetings and u are all I have. Friends get tired to listen to the same story again, I know u won't.
So tonite is my turn...I need to share my own pain and I want you to listen to me. I need to be comforted, I feel so much sorrow. My ex abf has a new girlfriend and they have been together for 5 months. They already live together, they moved to their new house very quickly and it really surprises me cos I normally would like to get to know the person well before I made such a big decision. They moved together as if they knew they were REALLY meant to be. I am a little jelaous, with me he was very much abusive (has been on coke for more then 10 years) and I don't understand why they seem so happy instead. I always thought he would be that same man with every girl, (though I know ppl can change, but overnite??)
There is no need to go into details and explain what he did to me cos u all have been there and u all know it well. Obvioulsy it is still the beggining of the relationship and obviously he was very nice to me at the beggining too...but...what if the problem was me or we just did not match? Maybe he is in love now and was not in love with me: he would complain for all sort of stupid things, very shallow faults that I notice his new gf has too but he does not care now???/
He is 35...He s probably ready to change. He hasn't been to rehab but who knows..."it is all about timing" they say. Finally he wants to fix himself and get out of it. How strnage...I gave a lot away(my self almost)...and in turn I was so much disrespected. I dont know if i got what it takes to just accept it. Accept that another girl, not much more "skilled" than me got the man I so much loved just because she was on time. What if I will never get my life back?I dont know if i want a life back when i think of him and how much i loved him.... what to do.......i d k..........................................
I d like to hear more stories about codies who saw their addicts move on with another girl and saw it actually worked better. I d like to know how did they survive the drama....thanks guys..snd good nite...its late here,,,
I have been reading a lot of your posts lately...and i would like to thank you for sharing your stories...without them i probably would feel very depressed and lonely now. So thank you with all my heart. I dont go to alanon meetings and u are all I have. Friends get tired to listen to the same story again, I know u won't.
So tonite is my turn...I need to share my own pain and I want you to listen to me. I need to be comforted, I feel so much sorrow. My ex abf has a new girlfriend and they have been together for 5 months. They already live together, they moved to their new house very quickly and it really surprises me cos I normally would like to get to know the person well before I made such a big decision. They moved together as if they knew they were REALLY meant to be. I am a little jelaous, with me he was very much abusive (has been on coke for more then 10 years) and I don't understand why they seem so happy instead. I always thought he would be that same man with every girl, (though I know ppl can change, but overnite??)
There is no need to go into details and explain what he did to me cos u all have been there and u all know it well. Obvioulsy it is still the beggining of the relationship and obviously he was very nice to me at the beggining too...but...what if the problem was me or we just did not match? Maybe he is in love now and was not in love with me: he would complain for all sort of stupid things, very shallow faults that I notice his new gf has too but he does not care now???/
He is 35...He s probably ready to change. He hasn't been to rehab but who knows..."it is all about timing" they say. Finally he wants to fix himself and get out of it. How strnage...I gave a lot away(my self almost)...and in turn I was so much disrespected. I dont know if i got what it takes to just accept it. Accept that another girl, not much more "skilled" than me got the man I so much loved just because she was on time. What if I will never get my life back?I dont know if i want a life back when i think of him and how much i loved him.... what to do.......i d k..........................................
I d like to hear more stories about codies who saw their addicts move on with another girl and saw it actually worked better. I d like to know how did they survive the drama....thanks guys..snd good nite...its late here,,,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
((HUGS)) mely. I know exactly what you mean, as these same thoughts have gone through my own head recently about my XA. But I've gotten some very good advice from several people which has helped me to feel better.
Guideme posted on a thread that since addicts are always looking for their next high, that new relationships can have the same effect. They provide a high of sorts because everything's all new and great and the addict hasn't really had to deal with the responsibilities that eventually come with a relationship. So that could be why he seems so 'happy.' Also, since they're moving so quickly into things, it could also be a 'rebound' of sorts. And as Kindeyes and others have said to me recently, it's very doubtful that they've given up their cocaine addiction overnight. As I've been learning, addicts do not just 'give up' their DOC overnight, and they certainly won't give it up for another person, as their DOC is more important than any person could ever be. The only one they'll give it up for is themselves and only if and when they're ready. And finally, my therapist told me last week, when I had phrased almost the same exact concern to him as you just posted, he said, "I don't care if he ends up MARRYING this girl and is with her for the rest of his life - he is not in a REAL relationship with her." And then he went on to say, "How can he be in a relationship with another person when the only one he cares about is himself? And his drug is the most important thing in his life, not another person." So they're just going through the motions, but when it comes down to it, if either of these girls tries to interfere with their drug use, you can bet those girls will be kicked to the curb without a second thought.
I hope this helped at least a little to make you feel better. Believe me, I know how hard it is to keep going when it seems like they've moved on with their lives without a second thought to us and it seems like they're so happy without us. But really, we don't know that they're happy or that things are so great for them at all....it's just our own insecurities and fears making us believe it's so. Hang in there, mely - you're doing great and you just have to keep going!!
Guideme posted on a thread that since addicts are always looking for their next high, that new relationships can have the same effect. They provide a high of sorts because everything's all new and great and the addict hasn't really had to deal with the responsibilities that eventually come with a relationship. So that could be why he seems so 'happy.' Also, since they're moving so quickly into things, it could also be a 'rebound' of sorts. And as Kindeyes and others have said to me recently, it's very doubtful that they've given up their cocaine addiction overnight. As I've been learning, addicts do not just 'give up' their DOC overnight, and they certainly won't give it up for another person, as their DOC is more important than any person could ever be. The only one they'll give it up for is themselves and only if and when they're ready. And finally, my therapist told me last week, when I had phrased almost the same exact concern to him as you just posted, he said, "I don't care if he ends up MARRYING this girl and is with her for the rest of his life - he is not in a REAL relationship with her." And then he went on to say, "How can he be in a relationship with another person when the only one he cares about is himself? And his drug is the most important thing in his life, not another person." So they're just going through the motions, but when it comes down to it, if either of these girls tries to interfere with their drug use, you can bet those girls will be kicked to the curb without a second thought.
I hope this helped at least a little to make you feel better. Believe me, I know how hard it is to keep going when it seems like they've moved on with their lives without a second thought to us and it seems like they're so happy without us. But really, we don't know that they're happy or that things are so great for them at all....it's just our own insecurities and fears making us believe it's so. Hang in there, mely - you're doing great and you just have to keep going!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
best I can suggest....quit tracking what HE does. that is less energy you have FOR YOU. whatever HE is doing is........HIS business. it's been 5 months...time to let go and be done and move on. was it you, was it him, was it solar flares??? really doesn't matter now, cuz it's over, behind you.
he wasn't the one. if he was, he'd still be with you. he'd value you for who you are - he didn't. couldn't or wouldn't, really matters not because you deserve to be held in high regard, respected, and honored.
he wasn't the one. if he was, he'd still be with you. he'd value you for who you are - he didn't. couldn't or wouldn't, really matters not because you deserve to be held in high regard, respected, and honored.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Things are rarely as they appear, things may be much the same with them as it was with you.
But as Anvil said, it doesn't matter because you are worth so much better than that and one day soon will find the courage for new beginnings.
Let go sweetie, and enjoy life free of addiction, abuse and fear
Hugs
But as Anvil said, it doesn't matter because you are worth so much better than that and one day soon will find the courage for new beginnings.
Let go sweetie, and enjoy life free of addiction, abuse and fear
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I'm sorry that you are hurting so deeply.
Addicts are very smart, skilled manipulators. If things are "good" now, it's the set up. Chances are good that she is a codependent type and he has told her the sad story of his life and she's fallen for it....hook, line, and sinker. I did with my XAH.
There's a very good probability that if he was abusive with you.....he'll eventually become abusive with her. A tiger doesn't change it's stripes overnight......and without considerable work on himself, it is doubtful that he has changed.
This may not feel like it right now, but this is a great opportunity to look at yourself closely and begin to take care of yourself the way you deserve to be taken care of.
Let him go......as hard as it is......and move toward a future that is brighter. You're worth it.
gentle hugs
ke
Addicts are very smart, skilled manipulators. If things are "good" now, it's the set up. Chances are good that she is a codependent type and he has told her the sad story of his life and she's fallen for it....hook, line, and sinker. I did with my XAH.
There's a very good probability that if he was abusive with you.....he'll eventually become abusive with her. A tiger doesn't change it's stripes overnight......and without considerable work on himself, it is doubtful that he has changed.
This may not feel like it right now, but this is a great opportunity to look at yourself closely and begin to take care of yourself the way you deserve to be taken care of.
Let him go......as hard as it is......and move toward a future that is brighter. You're worth it.
gentle hugs
ke
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
May be crossed with some serious mental illness.
Pretty much a User Profile.
Compare notes with this >>>
How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves - Roger Melton, M.A.
Just swap the genders. All works the same.
New GF is likely in for a nasty surprise, ahead.
Be glad you are out of it.
Pretty much a User Profile.
Compare notes with this >>>
How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves - Roger Melton, M.A.
Just swap the genders. All works the same.
New GF is likely in for a nasty surprise, ahead.
Be glad you are out of it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
You seem to be doing a lot of comparing yourself to the new girl and that’s not good.
She is NOT you, maybe she does coke with him, maybe she doesn’t need to be respected like you did. Maybe she is used to abuse, maybe she’s not “healthy” either. I mean look at how fast she moved in with him. You mention she is as shallow as he is.
But NONE of that matters, as it was told to you – move on and away from this mess of a man. Work on you work on NOT settling for someone so shallow and abuses drugs and treats you badly ever again. Stop doing drive by's, fly by's or what ever it is you are doing to keep tabs on THEIR relationship - it does YOU no good, no point in knowing anything about them. But all that time and thought and energy into you and moving forward.
This other woman – she has NOT won some prize!!
She is NOT you, maybe she does coke with him, maybe she doesn’t need to be respected like you did. Maybe she is used to abuse, maybe she’s not “healthy” either. I mean look at how fast she moved in with him. You mention she is as shallow as he is.
But NONE of that matters, as it was told to you – move on and away from this mess of a man. Work on you work on NOT settling for someone so shallow and abuses drugs and treats you badly ever again. Stop doing drive by's, fly by's or what ever it is you are doing to keep tabs on THEIR relationship - it does YOU no good, no point in knowing anything about them. But all that time and thought and energy into you and moving forward.
This other woman – she has NOT won some prize!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 32
Thank you all for replying!! I appreciate your comments. Everhopeful, I think he did not give up his addiction yet. He tried 1000 times before doing it cold turkey and never succeded. All he thinks of is getting promotions from his job and therefore he will never take time out for a recovery programme. I would agree in saying that this girl is "his next high" because they rushed so quickly into things. Anvilhead and Atalose, you are right I should not be caring about what he does but when you have loved someone it just comes natural. It has been a long time now, I agree with you saying I should move on... Not only he has been 5 months with this new girl, we also went NC for 1 year and 4 months already...so.really it s time to stop thinking of him and I can assure you it is getting better but sometimes, like yesterday night, thoughts of him come back to mind. I know I havent done anything wrong, apart from genuinely love him so I wonder how this girl will get on with the whole situation. Yes, I do a lot of comparing. She is better in some ways...she is able to get on with his friends, something I could not do, cos they bullied me a lot. She appears to be loved by "the whole surroundings", she does not let people bully her. Everyone knows she cheated on her former bf but still she holds her head up, nothing seems to get her way. My whole life I never wanted to hurt people and I should be proud of my values and goals, however I dont have her selfconfidence.
If I think about it... what good would it do to me in the long run to know that things did not work with her either?? Obviously this is what I want to hear but WHAT CHANGE will this bring to my own life??? THE DAMAGE IS DONE. I will wear his scars even though he will suffer in the future...what done is done AND I will continue this battle for a while still. Life can well be unfair. As you would suggest... I should work on me to get my confidence back. Hard work.
Hammer, you may be right. My add ex bf's father has mental issues, he is on strong medication....and lives like an ectoplasm cos they had "to kill" his personality. I am not aware of the disorder he has been diagnosed with. I only know that he became completely crazy and started to light up countrysides (as well as verbally and physically abusing memebers of his family). I always wondered if my ex inherited the disorder too.
If I think about it... what good would it do to me in the long run to know that things did not work with her either?? Obviously this is what I want to hear but WHAT CHANGE will this bring to my own life??? THE DAMAGE IS DONE. I will wear his scars even though he will suffer in the future...what done is done AND I will continue this battle for a while still. Life can well be unfair. As you would suggest... I should work on me to get my confidence back. Hard work.
Hammer, you may be right. My add ex bf's father has mental issues, he is on strong medication....and lives like an ectoplasm cos they had "to kill" his personality. I am not aware of the disorder he has been diagnosed with. I only know that he became completely crazy and started to light up countrysides (as well as verbally and physically abusing memebers of his family). I always wondered if my ex inherited the disorder too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 32
Kindeyes and Ann, thanks for your Kindwords! He is a very smart manipulator, you r right! I think tho that his gf is even more manipulative! She really puts herself forward and has become a different person for him, to make him like her better. As I said before, it is not really important to see how his life will fall apart or progress in to something better. Maybe sometimes I would just like to get that love I gave away back. ........ maybe I am just mad at me for letting all that mess happen. It is so confusing.......... Even I don't know what to think anymore....thanks for all your support!!!
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