Going crazy?
box of chocolates
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Going crazy?
im at familys house ah is at ours. ah informs me he is taking his meds, not drinking , going to aa, fixing things around house needed to be fixed etc and spending time with his fam side.
He says he just wants a little time and me plus kids come home in a bit at first i was ok (i was frustrated but ok) but i find myself going back and forth with him and myself. One moment im very happy and glad hes busying himself with positive things and that he still cares but as soon as i expect a call back or call him and there is no answer....i flip!
I get mean and hateful and i try to calm myself but i end up texting him awful things then when i calm i apologize. so far he has been understanding but i am soo frustrated in myself! why do i feel the way i do and then text him these foul things??! i know what i would say to someone in my shoes....dont text him! lol but it happens so fast. have the phone in hand wait for his callback or im calling just to see how things went or whats going on and when he is either too busy to talk, just doesnt want to talk, doesnt call back right away etc ....i think the worst.
I know it has to be the alcoholism because before all this started. i was NOT like this. i was never the woman that acted crazy or jealous. NEVER and for awhile now...thats been exactly who ive become.
i cannot stand it...aside from that, my leavelheaded side does say to be cautious and not get hopes up but its these freakouts that are making me crazy.
Just getting things off my chest.
Im hoping to get a handle.....i feel like im only driving a wedge between me and ah recovering as a couple. plenty of you will say alanon....yes i should go. i went a few days ago but none after.
He says he just wants a little time and me plus kids come home in a bit at first i was ok (i was frustrated but ok) but i find myself going back and forth with him and myself. One moment im very happy and glad hes busying himself with positive things and that he still cares but as soon as i expect a call back or call him and there is no answer....i flip!
I get mean and hateful and i try to calm myself but i end up texting him awful things then when i calm i apologize. so far he has been understanding but i am soo frustrated in myself! why do i feel the way i do and then text him these foul things??! i know what i would say to someone in my shoes....dont text him! lol but it happens so fast. have the phone in hand wait for his callback or im calling just to see how things went or whats going on and when he is either too busy to talk, just doesnt want to talk, doesnt call back right away etc ....i think the worst.
I know it has to be the alcoholism because before all this started. i was NOT like this. i was never the woman that acted crazy or jealous. NEVER and for awhile now...thats been exactly who ive become.
i cannot stand it...aside from that, my leavelheaded side does say to be cautious and not get hopes up but its these freakouts that are making me crazy.
Just getting things off my chest.
Im hoping to get a handle.....i feel like im only driving a wedge between me and ah recovering as a couple. plenty of you will say alanon....yes i should go. i went a few days ago but none after.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Alanon yes. It helped me. The face to face support was where I could feel the serenity of the members in the room who had kept coming back to meetings. I could hear their calm in their voices as they shared their experiences. I wanted what to feel that way, so I kept going back. I began to feel that calm in my own life, no matter what others were/were not doing around me.
Also, reading Codependent No More AND doing the exercises at the end of each chapter helped me in recognizing my unhealthy attachment to my alcoholic. He was addicted to gambling and beer; and I was addicted to him.
It took more than one reading of Codependent No More for me to finally move from awareness, through acceptance of my part and into healthy actions.
I learned in that book about the 3 A's of recovery:
Awareness
Acceptance
Action
Your post is about awareness. You have become aware of your personal changes, and it seems you are not happy with how you are reacting. This is a good starting point.
Also, reading Codependent No More AND doing the exercises at the end of each chapter helped me in recognizing my unhealthy attachment to my alcoholic. He was addicted to gambling and beer; and I was addicted to him.
It took more than one reading of Codependent No More for me to finally move from awareness, through acceptance of my part and into healthy actions.
I learned in that book about the 3 A's of recovery:
Awareness
Acceptance
Action
Your post is about awareness. You have become aware of your personal changes, and it seems you are not happy with how you are reacting. This is a good starting point.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear lonelygirl, I know the story so well--the ravages of living with alcoholism finally changes who we are--we desert ourselves to the extent that we no longer recognize the person looking back at us in the mirror.
You , first!!! He has put himself first long, long ago.
sincerely, dandylion
You , first!!! He has put himself first long, long ago.
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I know this one. I can have a hot temper in a millisecond.
Respond. Not react.
I look at it this way--I want him to have some self-control over his actions, right?
Doesn't it work both ways?
If we look in the mirror and we are as reactionary as a drinker reaching for a drink...what are we accomplishing except more crazy making?
So I try to sit back, think, and not let myself react. This means I tell myself that I can't answer for x minutes, or hours, or days, if necessary, until I know that I am responding, thoughtfully, smartly, and not reacting.
Respond. Not react.
I look at it this way--I want him to have some self-control over his actions, right?
Doesn't it work both ways?
If we look in the mirror and we are as reactionary as a drinker reaching for a drink...what are we accomplishing except more crazy making?
So I try to sit back, think, and not let myself react. This means I tell myself that I can't answer for x minutes, or hours, or days, if necessary, until I know that I am responding, thoughtfully, smartly, and not reacting.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I can totally identify with that feeling & I *hate* myself for it every single time it gets to me.
I've learned to back off & give myself a grace period of time to think through an issue/calm down/ consider another perspective before letting those emotions turn into nasty texts.
I've also gone the opposite route - pounding away at the keys & getting the anger out but then saving the message as a draft & coming back to read it after I've calmed down. If I still feel it's accurate I may decide to send it, or I may re-word it. Often I can see my own passive-aggressive tone & stop it before it spreads. Not always... progress, not perfection, right?
ETA - for me, this ended up showing me how much I DID expect/desire control in ways that I hadn't realized. Him not answering a text fast enough to suit my needs really isn't about him, it's about ME & MY expectations/demands, especially when there are so many possibilities for the delay! I had just come to expect the worst & went directly to that reaction even when I had no true reason to.
I've learned to back off & give myself a grace period of time to think through an issue/calm down/ consider another perspective before letting those emotions turn into nasty texts.
I've also gone the opposite route - pounding away at the keys & getting the anger out but then saving the message as a draft & coming back to read it after I've calmed down. If I still feel it's accurate I may decide to send it, or I may re-word it. Often I can see my own passive-aggressive tone & stop it before it spreads. Not always... progress, not perfection, right?
ETA - for me, this ended up showing me how much I DID expect/desire control in ways that I hadn't realized. Him not answering a text fast enough to suit my needs really isn't about him, it's about ME & MY expectations/demands, especially when there are so many possibilities for the delay! I had just come to expect the worst & went directly to that reaction even when I had no true reason to.
box of chocolates
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
thanks. i needed to get these feelings off my chest. i think yes now that i am not in "control" of whats going on and hes not over reacting like when he was drinking. it plunged me into a mess. ive decided not to call or text and "check in"
when he wants to talk etc ill let him call/text me and not expect when.
Taking a deep breath! i am just going to keep myself occupied with healthy outlets and work on this.
when he wants to talk etc ill let him call/text me and not expect when.
Taking a deep breath! i am just going to keep myself occupied with healthy outlets and work on this.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I get that. If an insane person suddenly started acting sane, I'd hesitate to believe it too. I'd wonder where I was missing the drama. That it must be there, I just didn't see it.
He's thrown you for a new loop--sobriety. You're just not used to it. You naturally question it's validity, you've been trained for the craziness.
He's thrown you for a new loop--sobriety. You're just not used to it. You naturally question it's validity, you've been trained for the craziness.
box of chocolates
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by BlueSkies1 
I get that. If an insane person suddenly started acting sane, I'd hesitate to believe it too. I'd wonder where I was missing the drama. That it must be there, I just didn't see it.
He's thrown you for a new loop--sobriety. You're just not used to it. You naturally question it's validity, you've been trained for the craziness.
He's thrown you for a new loop--sobriety. You're just not used to it. You naturally question it's validity, you've been trained for the craziness.
Its throwing me for a loop like nobodys business.
im asking myself "who is he with,where is he at, what is he doing, does he still love me, is he really doing what he says"
its exhausting!! im just glad that hes been so understanding (which helps when i flip) before if he were drinking he would return my parania etc in my face, act crazy and call me nonstop leaving horrible voicemails.
now that hes not drinking ..the role has reversed.
Obviously i was so use to the crazy that im just having to re adjust BUT its a good thing. (not me crazy making) but that its ME lol and i can control myself and thats what i am trying to do now. training myself all over again to not be inside the crasziness
box of chocolates
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by Pelican
Alanon yes. It helped me. The face to face support was where I could feel the serenity of the members in the room who had kept coming back to meetings. I could hear their calm in their voices as they shared their experiences. I wanted what to feel that way, so I kept going back. I began to feel that calm in my own life, no matter what others were/were not doing around me.
Also, reading Codependent No More AND doing the exercises at the end of each chapter helped me in recognizing my unhealthy attachment to my alcoholic. He was addicted to gambling and beer; and I was addicted to him.
It took more than one reading of Codependent No More for me to finally move from awareness, through acceptance of my part and into healthy actions.
I learned in that book about the 3 A's of recovery:
Awareness
Acceptance
Action
Your post is about awareness. You have become aware of your personal changes, and it seems you are not happy with how you are reacting. This is a good starting point.
Also, reading Codependent No More AND doing the exercises at the end of each chapter helped me in recognizing my unhealthy attachment to my alcoholic. He was addicted to gambling and beer; and I was addicted to him.
It took more than one reading of Codependent No More for me to finally move from awareness, through acceptance of my part and into healthy actions.
I learned in that book about the 3 A's of recovery:
Awareness
Acceptance
Action
Your post is about awareness. You have become aware of your personal changes, and it seems you are not happy with how you are reacting. This is a good starting point.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Nc
Posts: 33
I went through this myself and occassionally it happens still, but with less frequency.
I get it, codie behavior and all. Coincedentlly it is also behavior that occurs from a breach of trust (ever have a major fight with a close friend? The damage from those is worse than a random argument with a co-worker). We have hopes with the recovery but early on when we are healing ourselves we seem to wait on the other shoe to drop. Plenty of text book answers on how to be aware, accept and place action to it. Learning to do those things take time and the whole family afterwards.
Al-anon will help, but if you want to read something in between meetings that wraps it up in a nutshell, read the chapter "The Family Afterwards" in the AA Big Book. Lot of good information in that about expectation management.
I get it, codie behavior and all. Coincedentlly it is also behavior that occurs from a breach of trust (ever have a major fight with a close friend? The damage from those is worse than a random argument with a co-worker). We have hopes with the recovery but early on when we are healing ourselves we seem to wait on the other shoe to drop. Plenty of text book answers on how to be aware, accept and place action to it. Learning to do those things take time and the whole family afterwards.
Al-anon will help, but if you want to read something in between meetings that wraps it up in a nutshell, read the chapter "The Family Afterwards" in the AA Big Book. Lot of good information in that about expectation management.
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