lostnconfused2

-mehh, as in a blah moment. Yesterday afternoon and eve I was doing pretty dang good. I came onto boards and praised and encouraged some fellow addicts. I felt like maybe I was finally getting my niche back. Today is 1 week of no Vicodin- oh god how I miss it. I miss the fuzzy warmth it gave me unlike anything I have felt before. Like a nice blanket to cover me up and let me enjoy everything EVEN more. I could sit and play trucks with my older son or run around chasing after my younger son and "enjoy" it. Everything I do has my mind on those pills. Why? Why can't I enjoy the fact that my older son is reading along with me to a silly kids book or my younger son laughing at silly faces I make? I keep thinking "man this would be so much better if I had a Vicodin or adderall".

So frustrating.

On a plus side, a lady who I got a lot of my adderall from text me today with a "great deal". I ignored her first attempts and then politely said "no thanks". i need to block her number.

I do like adderall a lot and used it way to often. I literally would eat up 200mg or so within a 24 hr period. Scary. I'm tall, 5'10 to be exact. I've always been tiny/thin. The largest I've been is around 160 at tailend of pregnancy and my normal weight (even before using any Stims) was 125-130. I have dropped to 116. I'm wearing a 00 and look like a skeleton. I blamed weight loss on running too much, stress, ect. It hit home a few weeks ago when I ran into an old co worker, who is also a counselor, and she stated how thin I looked and asked if I was ok. I rolled my eyes and thought- "what a bitch, who asks that to someone they haven't seen in 7-8 months?!"

Anywho, I'm rambling again. Have 3rd visit with therapist tomorrow. The first visit was intake with some other therapist, second/last one was with actual therapist. I sat there, heart pounding bc I had taken adderall, talking too fast. I have some other issues that stem to childhood, but my care plan also has these pills/addiction as well. Beginning tomorrow I will be seeing her 2x week.

I just want this feeling to go away. Those pills made me glassy eyed, thin, forgetful, stressed, and super sick to my stomach half the time. How am I sitting here wishing my happy pouch was full?

Thanks for reading. It feels nice to just vent, even if some of it is chaotic and all over the place.

All the best, I just need to remember one day a time.

least

Vent away all you like. We are here to listen.