Ohhappyday

At the insistence of my sons lawyer we took him back home. He was having a psychotic episode from too much drug use. After a week the paranoia subsided and he calmed down. My son is 28, has a good job. But he takes stuff, seems to change what it is. Currently morphine and Xanax I guess. We told him he could only stay if he didn't take drugs. After some suspicious behavior I bought some drug testing kits. First one was dirty for opiates. Second one was all clean. 2days later... He was obviously using and at first refused the test, then took it came up dirty for opiates and benzos.
He refused to talk about it. Found an apartment and left the same day in a huff ( no money for the rest of the month) last seen wandering around a grocery store, where my husband had to leave in disgust.
Prior to this I had been reading the 10 ways family members can help and had a firm hold on not enabling. The whole switching gears to help him was rough..but someone on this site said tough love is useless on mental illness and he had become psychotic from the drug use. I felt awkward about the testing but I have lived with him high before. I went to a nar anon meeting and found it not very helpful because of the format that no one gives any feedback.
He needs rehab, he needs therapy, he needs to commit to sobriety. I can't help him. Can anyone help me?

Hanna

Just wanted you to know I read this. No advice to offer at the moment but support and understanding. When I don't have answers I just keep reading here until I do.

Peace,
Hanna

Kindeyes

Yes. You can help you.

We all know what the addicts need to do....the problem is.....the addicts often don't want to do it. And we make ourselves crazy trying to control a disease in someone else who really doesn't want our help. We can't love them clean. We can't control them clean. We can't force them clean. But usually, at least speaking for myself, I tried everything.....and in the process....I lost me.

If Al-Anon or Nar-Anon aren't for you.....try individual counseling with someone who specializes in working with family members of addicts. But ultimately....just like the addict's recovery (or not) is their responsibility.....our recovery (or not) is our responsibility. Addiction is a family disease.....and everyone close to the addict is affected.

I was a "loiterer" in the rooms of Al-Anon before I became desperate enough to give it everything I had. Someone told me "work the program you wish he would work" so I did. It saved my life, it restored my sanity.....but it was hard work. Not everyone is willing (or perhaps as desperate as I was) to do that. I had tried everything else. It was my "last hope" and after giving it my all....I sure wish I had done it sooner.

It's really hard to see our children succumb to the disease of addiction. It's scary. It's heartbreaking. But we can find a measure of peace if we choose to....whether the addict continues to use or not.

You aren't alone. There are many here who understand. We'll walk with you if you'd like us to.

gentle hugs
ke

Ohhappyday

From my book-
Helping
Your role as helper is not to do things for the person you are helping, but to BE things, not to try to train and change his actions, but to train and change your reactions. As you change your negatives to positives- fear to faith; contempt for what he does to respect for the potential within him; rejection to release with love; not trying to make him fit a standard or image, or expecting him to measure up to or down from that standard, but giving him an opportunity to become himself, to develop the best within him, regardless of what that best may be; dominance to encouragement; panic to serenity; false hope,self centered, to real hope, God centered; the rebellion of despair to the energy of personal revolution; driving to guidance; and self justification to self-understanding-as you change in such ways as these, you change the world about you and all the people in your world for the better.
Whew. This is my guide, and feels like encouragement but also a tall order. Just drove him with more things to his new place. Offered but then decided not to have breakfast together since he was nodding off repeatedly. Left offering one piece of advice...knowing it was a mistake. Then called from the car to say I love you and gave him a phone hug.
He feels he's in a better place than a year ago. He says I have high standards. I want to see that, feel that. But I mostly feel pain.
I'm going to take care of myself. I can see some positives and can focus on those. It seems a big jump to believing it will all be good or it is now.

GardenMama

My heart goes out to you, OhHappyDay. I would be overwhelmed by that list as well, but thank you for copying it here...maybe pick one that fits your most common feeling/situation with your son and try that one by itself for awhile. Sorry to hear about your NarAnon meeting--perhaps try another, and call ahead to the group leader? Ours is one that offers feedback and I wouldn't have returned if they hadn't, so I completely understand. And yes, working on yourself is really the only and best thing you can do.

p.s. Your son saying you had "high" standards when he himself was high really gave me chuckle.

JMFburns

not trying to make him fit a standard or image, or expecting him to measure up to or down from that standard, but giving him an opportunity to become himself, to develop the best within him, regardless of what that best may be

Ohhappyday,
I always love the part above, thanks for posting.

Really hits home with me . . . I cannot expect my son to be the person I imagined him to be in my head, the version of him I imagined when he was a baby, the version of him I compare to what his sister or his cousins are, etc. He can only be the person who he is, thats all. If he is sober and satisfied with his life, that's good enough.

Ohhappyday

"If he is sober and satisfied with his life, that's good enough."

But my son is not sober. That's the part I struggle with. The risk and fear of what might happen. The seemingly impossible odds that he will ever find a reason to choose a different path. I can accept that I can't change it, but not that being an addict is the best he can be.
My life is going well right now but his senseless pain is always before me. He texted me once today with some financial bad news. I waited awhile and responded with brief sympathy. Returned to my work. His life is a speeding train I have to carefully stay as clear of as I can. Love him without letting his situation control me. And especially minimize hearing the sound of his voice when he's high. When I follow my instincts - rush in to try and help him -that train always runs right over me.
Thank you all for talking with me. I am grateful for that. My husband is devasted and deals with it differently.
I will work on "change your negatives to positives"


And thank-you Garden Mama for the joke! I definitely need to see some humor.

GardenMama

Hearty humor, irony, and a dry, dry wit has helped my husband and I make it through some rough situations. You are in my thoughts and prayers for some deserved peace and belly laughs. Even snickers can make me feel a little better some days, and I am not talking about the candy bar.