earthmover

I attended my first Al-Anon meeting yesterday and to be honest I don't know what I expected but I felt disappointed. I guess for this first time I wanted some concrete answers ...such as ..has anyone put all their assets into their names instead of jointly held to avoid potential financial ruin, has anyone ever taken that step and called the police because their alcoholic was driving drunk..I wasn't comfortable with the extent of the religous content. I was told that they don't discuss the alcoholics situation because the intent is to focus on the healing of themselves. Brief history....this is a second marriage for me..never had any exposure in my life to alcoholism. Happy healthy childhood and even first marriage wasn't terribly horrific (just too young) and that divorce was "healthy". I am not understanding the "guilt" issue on my part. I do understand that I am the "provoker" in this situation and that I need to work on that, but again that is a reaction not an initial action. I completely understand that I do not cause this, control or cure this. Again..I'm not sure what I expected but am unsure if I will attend another. Thanks for listening.

Gabe

Hey earthmover,
Can you try a different meeting? Sometimes it takes a while to find a group that you click with.
About your questions...I have never mixed my money up with anyone I'm involved with, alcoholic or non-alcoholic. I never called the cops on my ex when I knew he was driving drunk, but I thought about it a few times.
I'm sorry your first experience was a disappointment. I hope there is a way you can give it another try.
Peace,
Gabe

amarie

To be honest with you I have learned more in this forum than at any al-anon meeting. Just listening to other's experiences and how they handle it has really shed some light. I too am on my second marriage and never had any experience with alcoholics. We have been married 9 years and I have finally realized that the alcohol is his problem, not mine. I don't know what you mean about being the "provoker". I hope you don't think that you are making your A drink, because that's not the case. Your A will drink because he chooses to drink, not because of anything you do. Read some of the posts about detachment and I'm sure you will find some answers that you are looking for. Good luck and keep posting here. Everyone is very helpful and supportive.

anonlily

I too went to my first meeting recently. I can tell that it will help me some day though. I just don't know how to get started.

I too had a healthy growing up. I never experienced alcoholism first hand. I thought it was like an after school special movie. You know the husband comes home drunk beats his wife and kids then passes out and does it again the next day. And it happens over and over until the husband kills his wife or his wife kills her husband to defend herself and the children and then ends up in jail for life.

I too have all my assets in my name. Now I am in a financial ruin. I did it that way because he had a credit history that wouldn't allow us to get a thing. I have the house, cars and every single bill in MY name. I am the only one working now too. Mathmatically I cannot cover the bills.

I too have called the police. Not because of his drunk driving.....I'd rather him kill himself sometimes than having to post his bond. But I called the police because I asked him to get out of MY house and he wouldn't leave. The police asked if he lived there and I said yes. And they asked me if he was physically violent towards me and I said no. And they told me legally, I cannot make him leave.

The reason I'm writing is to tell you not to give up so quickly. I think it can help.

I just don't know how to be the provoker and still live with this man?

goatfarmergal

I HATED my first Alanon meeting.

Please don't go by first impressions. Try again or another group.

Answers will come and I know you will find so much more than you ever thought.

For now, just take what you LIKED and leave the rest to deal with some other time, okay?

Daffodil

Hi and welcome to SR.

In my home group we urge newcomers to try 6 meetings before they make the decision about Al-Anon. I too would urge you to try several groups if your area before you decide. Just as people are not all alike neither are the Al-Anon groups.

I too went looking for the key, the right way, the answers. What I found was a group of people who had turned their life around. While living in a small town has it's disadvantages, it gave me to the advantage of knowing some of the people personally and what they had been through in their lives. I could see and feel the serenity in them and I wanted that more than anything. Hopefully you will go again. Regardless of whether you go or not. Take a look around the forums. Share when you need to or would like to.

Love and prayers from one who cares,
Daffodil

Zoey

I don't know the reason, but I had trouble with Al-Anon meetings too. This site is much better. I had only one choice for meetings, so perhaps I didn't find the right group. Hope you have some choices for meetings. Please don't give up on meetings. We always hear something that helps.
I found that for me I learned more at open AA meetings . If you know someone that goes to AA perhaps you could go along to an open meeting, in between Al-Anon meetings.
I also started taking classes to become a drug and alcohol counselor.
For me that was a big help. I also read the personal stories in the back of AA Big Book. I so badly needed to try to find out all I could. Clancy46

Daffodil

Hi there Clancy46,
Welcome to SR.
Sounds to me as though you are on your way to a healthier way of living life. Do take care and hope you will keep coming back.
Love and prayers from one who cares,
Daffodil

JT

Al Anon is not the same as here as you have discovered. For one thing there is no back and forth discussion of specific problems...partly because there are no right or wrong answers. We sometimes get in trouble around here doing just that. When I was brand new I had the same 1st impression that you did...but like Daff said they encourage you to attend at least 6 meeting so I did. I continued after that.

Specifics are what a sponsor is for and they also help you understand and advance through the steps. Meetings are for sharing experiences based on a subject often decided by the person chairing the meeting. That is enormously helpful in step work, slogans and techniques. You get the thoughts of each person in the room and rarely come away without some new spark of knowledge. Often when I had a something specific that was bothering me I would offer to chair a meeting...not difficult at all.

I hope you go back and give it a chance...and like Daff said meetings have different personalities just like people.

Hugs,
JT

vikster

Earthmover,

I believe I feel very much like you do about wanting more concrete help and feeling disappointed in 12-step support meetings. I tried several NA meetings about a year ago and while I found some help in knowing I'm not alone, I was turned off by the format. I've also never dealt with substance abuse before my husband, I'm well adjusted, stable and very logical. I'm the one that keeps her head when things fall apart. And I am an agnostic and not really interested in the type of ritual involved in alanon. But recent events with my A --I even feel really resentful using that abbreviation, because I don't want an A, I want my husband back -- I don't feel like I'm keeping it together and I'm beginning to recognize that I need help from many different camps. I'm lucky to have much support from family and friends - I hope you do, too - but I'm recognizing the need for alanon. While it's not for everyone, it is worth my real effort. It has helped many people, so I will try to get over my reluctance. I plan to start next week and keep returning to this board. I'm also going to see a therapist next week with experience in substance abuse.

I understand, Anonlily, how you feel about thinking these things only happen in made-for-TV movies. I've made that statement to several people recently. I had to have my husband arrested last week. I can't believe this is happening to us. He went on a several day binge with alcohol, coke, pills and pot - something he had never done before - and was in a horrible state at our place of business, scaring the staff and customers. When the staff called me to come in, he was threatening to me - with a hammer - not to hurt me, but to intimidate me, so I'd let him continue on the binge. Arresting him was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But I also know in this circumstance, it was the right thing for me to do. Although it is a drastic step and I wouldn't recommend anyone do it unless you feel it is the right thing. My husband certainly didn't thank me for it and was referring to me as his ex-wife in court. He is mandated to a treatment program by the courts and I can only hope that when he detoxs that he will see it is a problem and really want the help. He has started to reconnect to me on some level, so I don't think divorce is necessarily going to happen, but it is one day at a time for now.

We are all in this horrible situation not of our making together. It is only a small comfort perhaps at times, but it is something.

Good luck and best wishes, Vikster

MeggieStar

Hey Earthmover,

I'm the wife of a heroin addict. I understand how Al-Anon can be daunting at first. I usually post on the Nar-Anon board but attend Al-Anon meetings b/c there aren't Nar-Anon in my area. Sometimes the format gets to me too. It really helped me to get a sponsor, because I can talk to her one on one about specific situations unlike in group when you share, that's it, no discussion. Actually some groups do do open discussion, perhaps you might be able to find one. I agree with others here, please give it a chance...you have nothing to lose by trying it, but maybe, just maybe it will help. And even if it just helps you in one situation, one moment, it is worth it.

I'd like to invite you to the AlAnon/NarAnon meetings we have here on this site. They are somewhat different from face to face meetings....we do try to keep just to sharing but usually we all stay in chat after and that's when we discuss our specific situations and get advice etc. Meetings are 10 PM Eastern Mondays and 9 PM Eastern Fridays. So tomorrow at 9 is the next one, feel free to stop by and "try us on". Good luck to you and feel free to PM me anytime you need to talk!

Meg

earthmover

Thank You All....From each reply posted I have learned something new. I may have been hasty in my initial feelings about Al-Anon. I will try another group in our area and hope for better. I also realize that I am still in the very angry stage...You know ( the I'm not the one with the problem) stage. Because the A's binges are so far apart (as much as 2 years) I falsely lull myself into believing that this time it has worked...then wham I feel blindsided. So you all are getting the backlash of the horrendous weekend. I will continue to read these boards and would like to try the online meeting tomorrow night. Thank you again

smf30

I can totally relate! I don't have a lot of al-anon meeting options by me and I was disappointed too. And very uncomfortable with the whole religious aspect of it all. It was also VERY structured which didn't appeal to me. My first meeting everyone went around the room and told THEIR story, by the time it got to me I had 5 minutes, just spilled my story and not enough time to find COMFORT.

I am SOOOOOO GRATEFUL that I have found this place! I have gotten more out of this board than I have in any book or at that 1 meeting. Granted, it was only 1 meeting. But I also have 2 small kids and need to PAY a babysitter, and I totally resent the fact that I need to go to al-anon in the first place, let alone PAY a sitter money I don't have to do it. Enough ranting, I'm just glad you found this place and know that you're not alone as far as the meetings!

Magichappens

I finally realized that Alanon was not going to tell me what to do. It is to teach us to make decisions that are right for us and not to be dependent on someone else to run our life for us. I always wanted someone else to tell me what to do. I was afraid to make mistakes, try something new, for fear I would fail. I also wanted someone to blame if what I tried didn't work out. Today, because of Alanon, I can be responsible for my own happiness, my own life, my own decisions.

As for the "religious" tone, Alanon is not religious. Whatever belief you have will work; spiritual, atheist, agnostic. There are religious people in Alanon, and they will share their experience as it relates to them, but the slogan,"Take what you like and leave the rest." can be applied. Alanon offers many tools: the steps, the slogans, support, living examples that there is a way to live serenely with any storm. I often turned my back on something that might have helped me because someone or something rubbed me the wrong way. What I have learned is that I can learn from those I don't like. I can find something good in everyday if that is what I am looking for.

There are many people out there who will give advice, tell me what to do, run my life for me. Today, I chose to make my own decisions. With that comes a freedom that I have never known before. Facing my fears, trusting that I will be alright even if I fall, because at least I'm moving. Learning to love without losing myself, my sanity, my self worth. It hasn't happened over night, nor have I perfected it, but it's tangible. I can honestly say that with time, Alanon has worked in my life, not how I planned it, but in a much more wonderful way. If I had even had an glimpse of that when I came in, I wouldn't have believed it. They told me to keep coming back, it works. They were right.

I am not saying Alanon or a 12 step program is right for everyone. All I say is that anything that might help me go from misery to something better is worth more than one hour and a snap judgement. Good luck, and glad you joined us. Hugs, Magic

smf30

Magic- question: How is it that Alanon is not considered religious, but at the end of the meeting everyone joins hands and says the Lord's prayer? I totally understand saying the Serenity prayer. Perhaps it was just the meeting I attended, I don't know. I was born/raised Catholic but consider myself to be more of a "spiritual" person rather than religious. I was just sort of uncomfortable with the emphasis on prayer I suppose.

Illcat

I have been to AA meetings with my girl and I too am uncomfortable with the format. I am not a religious person (spiritual) but I do feel that the 12 steps are religious in tone. Even if they may not be in the eyes of some the people who do the leads are and they usually stress this. My girlfriend and I are kindred spirits in this regards and she has been in AA for 3 months now. She struggles through it because she feels like she has to disregard or suppress her own beliefs. She still powered through and did her 90 in 90. At times I definitely feel we are being forced into believing things that we do not necessarily believe in. Because of the nature we keep silent on it to keep the harmony of the groups intact. Her and I have been talking about active recovery lately. I am also going to pick up that book with all of the 12 step alternatives. I am not putting AA down; just think it’s hard to make it your niche when you don’t believe in everything you are being taught.


My 2 cents

JT

I see the 12 steps as a spiritual program....in fact that is where I aquired the spirituality that I treasure today. Your faith is what you choose to make it and if you want recovery badly enough a small thing like saying the Lord's Prayer to close a meeting is not going to make a bit of difference.

JT

McKrazy

for me, alanon is where I finally heard that I could control something.... me! Yay, it was empowering for the first time to realize I didn't have to feel so out of control and fight to control that which I couldn't do anything about and it was driving me to drink... ah, not really, LOL. But the focus is so strictly on what I COULD do, and who I truly am, and who I was created to be and that I had joined the sickness I hated. Here, I get to vent, hear others' stories, recognize my pain and sickness through their healing and get hope from you all. Here I get to laugh through tears and put life into perspective and certainly learn how others survive and when they finally can't, what they do. I think, for me, too, it's a comfort to know there is something more powerful than myself who is watching my "back side", and knows ultimately the end of the story. And I feel like my being out of control is not such a scary thing when He's in control. I'm actually starting to feel (this is way out on a limb for me) that my being here in this situation is actually part of me discovering and fighting for who I was meant to be. I can be such a follower and I'm learning that there's some places not worth going, even if the leader is your husband. I'm actually feeling like a better person because of my situation than if I had never been through the experiences I've been through. Would I choose them for anyone else? No, absolutely not, but I can be me and be fine, DESPITE my circumstances. That's a huge statement for me. I hope you find the answers and the support you are looking for. praying for you! Pam