cutting apron strings
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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cutting apron strings
Ugh what a mess! The BFs mom is freaking out and having a codie meltdown. I dont know how to handle it and of course my indiference to his decisions makes me the bad guy. Holy crap the addict getting sober and working recovery deffinately doesnt solve all of the problems, especially with codies in the family.
*his probation officer says it is time to pay up on his fines. She wants him to switch to an outpatient program and get a job so he can own up to his responsibilities. He has been in inpatient for 3 months .
* his mother is furious and wants to pay the fines herself. His dad says NO WAY . His fines are his problem and for them as parents to pay them would be enabling. His mom is holding all of his credit cards and tax return and so far has refused to give him his own money.
*His sponsor supports his decision to pay his own fines and switch to outpatient, as do I and his father but his mom is in a codependent rage.
My phone is ringing off the hook and he hasnt even left rehab yet, but I think he will be very soon. She wants him to move back in with them if he does decide to switch and he refuses. He wont be living with me either. He is leaning towards getting an appartment on his own, or going to an SLE.
Why am I the one that his mom is blaming for HIS decisions? Because I told him its his life and his recovery to pursue as he sees fit?! I did have one conversation with her and have since been "busy" she said "you know hes gunna relapse if he doesnt complete the 6 months inpatient. He cant leave the SA is the only thing keeping him sober. How dare you not try to pursuade him to stay!!!!" I didnt yell and scream back but I did say .... mom, if he is going to relapse he is gunna relapse. Its none of our business. Also if the SA is the only thing keeping him sober then it isnt god and hes gunna relapse any way. If he wants to make his own way, then let him. Its his life, not yours. Sorry to break it to you but he's 25. If he falls let him fall. This has nothing to do with me, what do you want me to say?
And she hung up on me only to blow up my phone. I cant stand it. I personally dont think he is headed to relapse, and I think its good to take back financial control of his life from his mother. Ugh not my problem not my problem not my problem.
I just hate how she is having a hard time adjusting to him not acting like a baby. When he was using, of course he wanted her to manage his life and pay everything, but now that he is not she refuses to detatch and so he is doing it for her and so she's trying to latch onto me and her other son and all three of us are just sick and tired of it.
I do fear relapse . Of course I do, but I just dont think its fair to walk on eggshells waiting for it. If it happens I will deal with it then. Using looks like using after all. Of course there is potential for it, but he has been fighting with the courts and even went before a judge and asked for an extension to stay the last 3 months and has been denied. It just doesnt look like hes trying to jump ship to go get high, and if he does.... thats his freaking choice!!!! We cant freaking stop him. We can only stop talking to him. Ugh. I know if he does get out and go use I will post on here blubbering and cry but I will get through it. Sheeesh.
Thanks for letting me vent
*his probation officer says it is time to pay up on his fines. She wants him to switch to an outpatient program and get a job so he can own up to his responsibilities. He has been in inpatient for 3 months .
* his mother is furious and wants to pay the fines herself. His dad says NO WAY . His fines are his problem and for them as parents to pay them would be enabling. His mom is holding all of his credit cards and tax return and so far has refused to give him his own money.
*His sponsor supports his decision to pay his own fines and switch to outpatient, as do I and his father but his mom is in a codependent rage.
My phone is ringing off the hook and he hasnt even left rehab yet, but I think he will be very soon. She wants him to move back in with them if he does decide to switch and he refuses. He wont be living with me either. He is leaning towards getting an appartment on his own, or going to an SLE.
Why am I the one that his mom is blaming for HIS decisions? Because I told him its his life and his recovery to pursue as he sees fit?! I did have one conversation with her and have since been "busy" she said "you know hes gunna relapse if he doesnt complete the 6 months inpatient. He cant leave the SA is the only thing keeping him sober. How dare you not try to pursuade him to stay!!!!" I didnt yell and scream back but I did say .... mom, if he is going to relapse he is gunna relapse. Its none of our business. Also if the SA is the only thing keeping him sober then it isnt god and hes gunna relapse any way. If he wants to make his own way, then let him. Its his life, not yours. Sorry to break it to you but he's 25. If he falls let him fall. This has nothing to do with me, what do you want me to say?
And she hung up on me only to blow up my phone. I cant stand it. I personally dont think he is headed to relapse, and I think its good to take back financial control of his life from his mother. Ugh not my problem not my problem not my problem.
I just hate how she is having a hard time adjusting to him not acting like a baby. When he was using, of course he wanted her to manage his life and pay everything, but now that he is not she refuses to detatch and so he is doing it for her and so she's trying to latch onto me and her other son and all three of us are just sick and tired of it.
I do fear relapse . Of course I do, but I just dont think its fair to walk on eggshells waiting for it. If it happens I will deal with it then. Using looks like using after all. Of course there is potential for it, but he has been fighting with the courts and even went before a judge and asked for an extension to stay the last 3 months and has been denied. It just doesnt look like hes trying to jump ship to go get high, and if he does.... thats his freaking choice!!!! We cant freaking stop him. We can only stop talking to him. Ugh. I know if he does get out and go use I will post on here blubbering and cry but I will get through it. Sheeesh.
Thanks for letting me vent
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 65
Should I dare say NC with him and his mom? I defiantly would with her. She just sounds like a mess. And that is going to drive you up the crazy wall all over again. You deserve a break!!! Maybe go no contact with him until he is clean a year? Is that possible for you? I really hate to see you go through this after everything you have already been through. All this ish still breaks my heart every time a read threads/post like this.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO!!!
GuideMe.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO!!!
GuideMe.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Hugs, Lily. You have a clear and sensible outlook and kudos to you.
Moms of adult A's sometimes have a horrible time letting go and seeing reality as it is but it is something she'll have to come to terms with; this is not said as a heartless, mean person but instead as one of "those moms," who understands how things can spiral out of control as a codie.
I'm sorry she's putting you in the middle.
Moms of adult A's sometimes have a horrible time letting go and seeing reality as it is but it is something she'll have to come to terms with; this is not said as a heartless, mean person but instead as one of "those moms," who understands how things can spiral out of control as a codie.
I'm sorry she's putting you in the middle.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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Lily
If my son had a gf (which he doesn't right now thank goodness) I would hope that she would be just like you. Fully aware of the dangers of codependence.
I do understand where your bf's mom is coming from. Those crazy codependent thoughts rush through my head with frequency......but I recognize them for what they are. She is currently living in a future that hasn't happened yet. In her head, her son has already relapsed (even though he hasn't) and she's reacting based upon that thought process. Call her out on it (calmly and without accusation). Perhaps that will bring her back into the reality of today. Today he's clean and sober.
It sounds like your bf is doing a pretty good job handling the cards he's being dealt. I will keep you all in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
If my son had a gf (which he doesn't right now thank goodness) I would hope that she would be just like you. Fully aware of the dangers of codependence.
I do understand where your bf's mom is coming from. Those crazy codependent thoughts rush through my head with frequency......but I recognize them for what they are. She is currently living in a future that hasn't happened yet. In her head, her son has already relapsed (even though he hasn't) and she's reacting based upon that thought process. Call her out on it (calmly and without accusation). Perhaps that will bring her back into the reality of today. Today he's clean and sober.
It sounds like your bf is doing a pretty good job handling the cards he's being dealt. I will keep you all in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Next time she calls I would tell her "I'm in a program of recovery for loved ones of addicts. I am following my program which tells me I must stay out of the way both for myself and in his best interest. He is capable of doing this. I believe in him. I did not cause this, I cannot cure it and I cannot control it. For my own emotional well being as well as his, I will not engage in enabling any longer. Trying to control his outcome has not worked for me in the past and so I have stopped."
After that my only words to her Codie frenzy would be "Trying to control his outcome has not worked for me in the past so I have stopped"
Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
Limit contact.
After that my only words to her Codie frenzy would be "Trying to control his outcome has not worked for me in the past so I have stopped"
Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
Limit contact.
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Hanna.....that's some good stuff there!!!!!!!! Thank you!!!!!!!! I think I'm going to type that out and keep it in my wallet so I'll have it handy because it can also be used to talk to the addict! Just replace the pronouns he/his with you/yours!
This is what I call a little nugget of GOLD. I often compare meetings etc with gold mining.....sometimes I have to sift through a whole lot of dirt to find a little golden nugget. Your words were my golden nugget for the week! Thanks for sharing!
gentle hugs
ke
This is what I call a little nugget of GOLD. I often compare meetings etc with gold mining.....sometimes I have to sift through a whole lot of dirt to find a little golden nugget. Your words were my golden nugget for the week! Thanks for sharing!
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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oh thank you everyone.
guideme, yes. I have considered going no contact until he is a year clean but have refrained because the two kids have are very attached to him and are still very young and so I am allowing him very limited contact with him while he is sober.
in he event of a relapse that is the plan.
thank you for your replies. I am very very very afraid of him switching to outpatient. The only difference between me and his mom is that I am melting down on the inside. I know I can't control any of the outcomes. "in her mind he has already relapsed" very true. I didn't think of that. I feel like this is a situation to sit back and wait. watch actions not words.
ugh I hate waiting, but the only way I see any answers here is time
guideme, yes. I have considered going no contact until he is a year clean but have refrained because the two kids have are very attached to him and are still very young and so I am allowing him very limited contact with him while he is sober.
in he event of a relapse that is the plan.
thank you for your replies. I am very very very afraid of him switching to outpatient. The only difference between me and his mom is that I am melting down on the inside. I know I can't control any of the outcomes. "in her mind he has already relapsed" very true. I didn't think of that. I feel like this is a situation to sit back and wait. watch actions not words.
ugh I hate waiting, but the only way I see any answers here is time
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Originally Posted by Kindeyes 
Hanna.....that's some good stuff there!!!!!!!! Thank you!!!!!!!! I think I'm going to type that out and keep it in my wallet so I'll have it handy because it can also be used to talk to the addict! Just replace the pronouns he/his with you/yours!
This is what I call a little nugget of GOLD. I often compare meetings etc with gold mining.....sometimes I have to sift through a whole lot of dirt to find a little golden nugget. Your words were my golden nugget for the week! Thanks for sharing!
gentle hugs
ke
This is what I call a little nugget of GOLD. I often compare meetings etc with gold mining.....sometimes I have to sift through a whole lot of dirt to find a little golden nugget. Your words were my golden nugget for the week! Thanks for sharing!
gentle hugs
ke
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
So lost in the future and crazy making.
Red flag: leaving early
White flag: asking to stay
I have put off making boundaries because he was gone, but now he will be returning. I see no reson to push him away if he is indeed sober.
Can you help me decide if these are good boundaries?
The only time I will drug test him is if he visits the children. I believe this is fair.
We both agree that we will not be moving in together at this time.
I am still going to continue working my codie program.
I also have switched programs, from al anon to celebrate recovery.
My only fear is relapse
How do I cope with this fear?
Why is this fear there?
Why do I want him to stay locked away forever?
I am not in control of this situation and it pisses me off. I am dwelling on it and have fallen in my own codie relapse mentally.
Switching to outpatient does not necesarily mean relapse. I am lost, I am hurt, I am afraid. And he hasnt even done anything wrong. The relapse here is mine, not his. Today he is sober, today he is working the program. Why am I freaking out!!!!! HELP!!!
Red flag: leaving early
White flag: asking to stay
I have put off making boundaries because he was gone, but now he will be returning. I see no reson to push him away if he is indeed sober.
Can you help me decide if these are good boundaries?
The only time I will drug test him is if he visits the children. I believe this is fair.
We both agree that we will not be moving in together at this time.
I am still going to continue working my codie program.
I also have switched programs, from al anon to celebrate recovery.
My only fear is relapse
How do I cope with this fear?
Why is this fear there?
Why do I want him to stay locked away forever?
I am not in control of this situation and it pisses me off. I am dwelling on it and have fallen in my own codie relapse mentally.
Switching to outpatient does not necesarily mean relapse. I am lost, I am hurt, I am afraid. And he hasnt even done anything wrong. The relapse here is mine, not his. Today he is sober, today he is working the program. Why am I freaking out!!!!! HELP!!!
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Originally Posted by Lily1918
Can you help me decide if these are good boundaries?
The only time I will drug test him is if he visits the children. I believe this is fair.
We both agree that we will not be moving in together at this time.
I am still going to continue working my codie program.
I also have switched programs, from al anon to celebrate recovery.
" I will not expose my children to someone in active addiction or new to recovery " is an example of a boundary. A boundary protects you and the children from the chaos of addiction and let's go of the outcome. He is free to live his life as he sees fit to do, which he will do, no matter what you do or not.
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Originally Posted by outtolunch
These trend intentions, not boundaries.
" I will not expose my children to someone in active addiction or new to recovery " is an example of a boundary. A boundary protects you and the children from the chaos of addiction and let's go of the outcome. He is free to live his life as he sees fit to do, which he will do, no matter what you do or not.
" I will not expose my children to someone in active addiction or new to recovery " is an example of a boundary. A boundary protects you and the children from the chaos of addiction and let's go of the outcome. He is free to live his life as he sees fit to do, which he will do, no matter what you do or not.
So, I will not expose my children to anyone who is using drugs.
I will not live in the same house with anyone who is in early recovery.
Is that more like a boundary? Just feeling a little lost... thank you for your help
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