thislonelygirl

Ah wants to seperate sort of. Still be together but wants own place because he says he needs to figure himself out and work on himself. Says he wants to work from the ground up on himself and his life and get himself together.
He says he is under stress with probation sobreity etc and he just needs time.
He says his only concern is losing me and our relationship/family.
Says he feels like crying. Alots happened and he wants to start over for himself first and then for us.
I know in aa they basically say this but my feelings are iffy. Only because I dont want to be away from him like that but ok because if it helps...then its for the best.

BoxinRotz

Oh my... I'm so sorry to hear this. I would be crushed if my hubby did this to me after standing by him at his worst! If he does leave, make sure you go get child support and if he was taking care of the whole family without you working, get spousal support too. It's hard raising kids in today's world especially if you are a house wife which is a HUGE job in itself!

I sure hope he can find himself and pull it together! I'm still waiting on my husband to pull his head out of his ass!

lillamy

Babe,

Here's the thing: If he is going to ever become the partner you deserve, you need to let him go figure himself out and become a man, not the ghost of a human being he has been.

Let him go.
He will find his way.
It may be the way back to you.
It may not be.
But either way, he will find his way. And you will find yours. And that's all that really matters. Because you can't hold on to something that doesn't work.

thislonelygirl

Thanks. He says he will avoid it if he can . He doesnt want to leave but will if need be.
He just wants to be better.
I think his medication is also messing with him as side effects are aggitation aggression depression etc.
He says hell speak to his doctor about it as hes been going up and down.
We had a long convo about this.
Yes lilamy you are correct if he goes and gets better good if not then fine
And sorry to hear boxinrotz was rooting for your ah. Thought he was doing better

CAgirl9

Sending hugs!!! I'm sorry for your pain. I'm learning that sometimes I need to shift my perspective and the one thing I see is that it seems like he's serious about his recovery. The time apart might give you a little breather/peace too.

BoxinRotz

Thanks Girl! No... It's okay though. He told me he was only drinking on Wednesdays. He demanded that he have a day to unwind! I said, you shouldn't do that, you know you can't drink at all!!! Apparently we have 4 Wednesdays a week!

dandylion

Dear lonelygirl, I can't express what I was going to say than lillamy just did. I think she has touched the heart of the matter.

You have made lots of progress, the way I see it. Honey, you already know you don't have any control over him--and his recovery. Just know that which ever way it goes--you have everything it takes to thrive and be happy. If you feel that you still love him--you may have to just do it at a distance.

With my A's, I have actually found that it is easier to love--and deal with them from a distance (at least, right n ow) LOL.

My advice--Let go and let God---and take it one day at a time.

sincerely, dandylion

CeciliaV

Oh dear, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know it must hurt, but it can be a good thing to get some distance between you two. If he's serious about getting better, he needs to do whatever it takes to get better...and if it takes living on his own for a bit, then that's what it takes. If/when he does get his own place, you can use that time apart to focus on you and to find peace for yourself.

Sending you strength, hope, and hugs.

thislonelygirl

Thanks guys. Ah has been acting weird. Hes been leaving more. Takes kids but says wants to get out more im usually just getting up when he does or not composed myself
Though we were out together yesterday. My parania is hes distancing himself like other as have when trying recovery. It just seems like he doesnt want to be around me and hes not drinking.
I just dont know. Lost and lonely but dealing

thislonelygirl

Even out yesterday it was like I wasnt there or could care less that I was.
Taking the me time thpugh

Rosiepetal

Hi lonelygirl.
It may be very hard to separate but it may be a good step in recovery for both of you.
The space may give you both time to focus on yourselves.
Maybe he feels a bit pressured by being together & needs the time to focus on just himself?
If you can both build healthy lives then you will both have a higher chance of making it through together.
I know its hard & sending you big hugs.
PS: My RABF has completed 3 months sober today, I continue to support him but also lead my own life & work on me. To date it's working for us.

thislonelygirl

Thanks rosie.
I think im looking into it too much....like hes not an addict and thinking hey why is my normal hubs not wanting to be around me . Leaving and saying he should move out hmm
Then I shake myself a bit and say hold on...hes an alcoholic whos trying to fix himself and really if it comes to the worst case scenerio better now than later right?
So im just holding it together but its a complete upside down for me from him craving time with me and not wanting to be apart to distancing himself emotionally and physically (well atleast from the norm...as he says he still loves me and doesnt want to lose me but its less than usual) but then I remember hes an alcoholic whos trying to get himself in order and be sober and alot has happened in a short time and that ive heard of other alcoholics when their alcoholism is weighing on them and their serious about recovery...or just sober doing the same thing as well. Ughhh. On the brightside im ok and taking the time he chooses to be away as a mini vaca.just keeping my head in check about ut and looking at it as a positive thing. Hes never acted like this before so maybe hes truly serious this time but time will tell.
Thanks all

thislonelygirl

I hope that changes. My ah has done the same. Just the weekends or just one night. It is nevvvvveeerr controlled lol maybe he will figure it out but its taken my ah alot of hell and heartbreak to even get this far

thislonelygirl

Oh and just a thought. He could be wanting to move out 1. Stay sober and work his program since thats what he was saying and he could be leaving alot during the day because 2. Hes trying to busy himself so he doesnt drink since hes got the car and it has a breathalyzer so he cant drink and drive
I think im just reading too much into it but posting here always helps so thanks my lovely supporters for the feedback

Rosiepetal

In the beginning of sobriety it can be very hard for the recovering alcoholic.
My RABF was depressed, ashamed, anxious & distant like yours. They're not to sure where to put themselves. They have to start life all over.
They do need to focus on themselves.
I don't think you're reading too much into it, you are just as affected in this as he is & it's normal that you will have doubt in this situation.
Just be there to encourage, support & love him but let him do the work for himself.
In the meantime do some nice things for yourself & focus on a happier healthier you.
It's all you can do really, give each other time & space & take one day at a time & see how it unfolds. It is a learning journey.
Thinking of you both & wishing the very best outcome for you both.
Hugs as always.