Avalon393

My Abf just ended things 3 days ago because I slipped and opened up about how I was thinking of getting a 1 bedroom. Everything seemed fine and then the next morning my phone was bombarded with texts about how he's done with me for real, doesn't want to move forward, and I need to move out. I have spent the last 2 days there crying and begging him not leave me. He says he's thought long and hard about this and I'm unhealthy for him. Work has been a disaster for me, crying between clients. He is so cold. I finally packed a bag and am staying at my mothers. Done calling/texting him and acting like a child. If I don't hear from him by Monday I'm moving my stuff out while he's at work. This is just so traumatic for me. I spent 2 years with him, lost him for another 2 due to his addiction, and then just spent another year with him, most of which he was in recovery. I can't believe I am losing him all over again. I love him so much and I don't feel like I'm strong enough to endure this pain all over again. He and our roomate drink and get high every single night. He just got in a physical fight with his brother in which the cops were called while he was drinking, they are complete slobs. But I am somehow left feeling like the unstable unhealthy one. I am mortified. How did you guys cope in the beginning of your breakups if it got to that point? I feel so rejected and lonely, like all of my dreams for the future are done. :/

SparkleKitty

Honey, I am so sorry. I hope your mother's is a safe place where you can cry and grieve and get some distance from both the drama of the break-up and the long term stress of being with an addict.

Let it out, it is the best thing you can do right now.

You will not hurt like this forever, I promise. In the meantime, I am sending you strength and hugs.

soberlicious

Dreams of the future?

I'm sorry you are going through this, but don't accept less that you are worthy of.

alchiewifey

Sorry if this sounds cruel but this is probably the best thing that could happen. **hugs**

Argnotthisagain

Hi Avalon...the feeling like you can't breathe is probably hyperventilation, from stress and panic. Try breathing slowly. The suffocating feeling is actually OVER oxygenation of your blood. Gently holding your breath might help too.

How do I know this? Because the stress towards the end was so bad, that I couldn't breathe at one point and called am ambulance. I didn't even realize how mega-stressed I was, living with his addiction and A behavior.

When my r-ship with the A ended and he moved away, I went through the same kind of pain you are in now. Reading here helped me to hang on. Seeing that other people had similar experiences of incredible, extreme, disabling grief helped me live through it. Helped me keep some connection to hope and reality.

Please stick around here...keep crying as much as you have to. No, I know it's no fun and feels infinite, but keep posting and reading and doing the best you can to take care of yourself. Keep it simple. Sleep as much as you can. Get with friends when you can. Try Al Anon. Try to eat (or not overeat). Use the wisdom here to substitute for your own...after some time, you'll see more clearly, even though right now it FEELS like he is the one magic person.

It's crazy how we get sooooo emotionally attached to these people who are actually behaving terribly and being rotten partners. The emotions are overwhelming. It takes TIME to detox from the fantasies we created and hold on to, and from the stress of the toxic crazyness.

Thinking of you--you're not alone, and you ARE doing the right thing for yourself!!!

Fadedjeans

Sounds like your slip telling about the 1 bedroom put yer partner in a mode to avoid rejection. An alcoholic will protect themslelves from being the reason they lost somone. Especially knowing it was their drinking. Your partner will be able to live with leaving you far easier than you leaving them due to alcohol so they did just that. I empathize with you.

Shadydeal

I am sorry and I can say I think I felt the same way! Horrible I was a mess for along time bc I kept hanging on fighting a battle I could not win bc I couldn't handle the rejection! I tried so hard and invested so much that I wasn't willing to walk away easy. Big big mistake bc it only caused more pain w the same out come. The only advice I have is count your blessings for the hope you have for a new life! Work on yourself to heal, no contact is the key to move healing along and this site has been a God sent to me! Be grateful you don't understand him...it is pathic! We can become so addicted and
sick just like them and you step back wonder wow....how did I get here! I wish you the best and hope you find peace/healing! There is such a better way to live!

redatlanta

You let him in on what you were thinking and he simply beat you to the punch. You are taking it personally (who wouldn't) but its not personal - it impulsive. A quick rash decision to avoid the "humiliation" of you leaving him. So he is feeling high and mighty right now, when it settles down expect phone calls beggin you to come back.

Your dreams for the future ended when he started drinking again - not when he kicked you out. When he kicked you out your dreams for the future (sans alcoholic) became a possibility.

Take the momentum and run with it. Life with a drunk and stoner who is starting to get violent only has one way to end.....badly.

laurie6781

(((((Avalon)))))

As said above, you are probably hyperventilating. Inhale slowly, count to ten slowly, exhale. Do this NINE more times. This will help to slow down your racing brain, it will take away that feeling of suffocating and it will calm you in general. Know that you can do this anytime and as many times as you need to during a day.

Right now you won't believe this, but:

YOUR ABF JUST DID YOU A HUGE FAVOR.

What you can do to help yourself, and again you won't think so, is to go NO CONTACT. That means BLOCK his calls and text messages, have his emails go to spam. Also, just in case the block on the phone doesn't work, change the ring tone for his number to a QUACKING DUCK. That will remind you that if you answer all you will hear is more Quacking coming out of his mouth.

It was also said above that he just beat you to the ending of this relationship. After you told him you were looking for an apartment, his 'good' (NOT) alkie thinking decided he would break up with you as that way he could then day that "you were dragging him down, that you made him drink." NOT

Every time you feel the way you are right now, come here and post. Just posting relieves some of that stress and there is always (just about 100% of the time) someone here that will respond. We are walking with you , in spirit. Whatever room you are in when this happens, or wherever you are, make a mental picture of the space just overflowing with the folks here at SR, trust me it does help.

Feel free to vent here as often as you need toor want to. You can rant, rave, scream, cry and YES even laugh.

Yes, you do. BUT, this will pass. Now would be a very good time to find some Alanon meetings, try at least 6 different ones to get the 'feel' of each meeting and see which ones you feel the most comfortable in, and/or some counseling with a therapist that specializes in addiction. With meetings and/or counseling you will start to work on you. As you get healthier on the inside you will attract others that are also 'hrealthy' on the inside.

And you will start to realize that "your dreams for the future" are NOT done, just put 'on hold' for a bit of time.

Again, we do know what you are going through. We have been where you are now, and have felt like crap like you feel now, and we can all tell you it DOES GET BETTER, honest.

Please be sure to keep posting and let us know how you are doing because we do care so very very much!!

Sending healing thoughts and prayers to you.

Lots of love and bunches and bunches of hugs,

brokenrose

Hi Avalon, I am so sorry for what you are going through, it happened to me too in Nov. of of last year so its been 5 months for me......his drinking was escalating so I called his landlord and said I want my name of his lease (stupid me c0-signed for him, I didn't even live there I have my own house in another city), his landlord called him and the next day he broke up with me after 1.5 years.....he didn't even get evicted but that's how he ended it, he never looked back Avalon, 2 months later he was seen with another girl. At the beginning of March I finally blocked his number but I did it for me, I was the one still texting him, he was long gone and telling me to get over "us". Here is what helped me honey: this site and these wonderful people who offer so much experience and insight, reading all the books suggested (the one that helped the most was The Journey from Abandonment to Healing) individual counselling, good friends and time....that is the worst part Avalon, you have to just take the time and grieve, there's no magic cure. I am so much better now, yes I still miss him, I never got to see him again after I dropped him off one night we kissed and said love you see you tomorrow, he then drank and drank for 2 days, I called the landlord and poof he was gone.....I still remember the good but you know what? There was a lot of bad, I was powerless over his addiction and yet he did what your bf did, he blamed me, said I was boring, could't do things with him because of my responsibilites to my son, and I was too controlling....all lies, all the addiciton talking not the man. I know the next month or so will be very hard for you, surround yourself with people who truly love you and know that you will come out of this bc you are healthy, he is not, his life will get worse if he continues to drinking, it is a progressive disease and if you stayed together, he could have possibly become violent with you as he gets worse and worse....please trust me because I just went through it, it is tough, really, really hard, but you will get through especially if you go no contact (sooner than I did, all i did was get rejected over and over again) feel free to pm me if you need to.....I am thinking of you. You got this, you deserve better. Hugs from Canada.

Avalon393

My mind is so warped. The posts saying that I must have put him in panic mode and jump the gun make me immediately blame myself and want to throw a life line out there even though I spent yesterday morning crying and pleading with him to change his mind. But have been strong enough to not contact him since. My sick head is making me still hope that he will contact me and try to work things out. Spending Easter with multiple couples isn't helping. I am miserable. Thanks for listening.

AnvilheadII

he gets high and drunk every day...he gets into fights with his own brother...he's been addicted before and now that's where he is today.

he's not the one, Avalon. he has nothing GOOD and healthy and sane to offer you. did you know that when healthy relationships end both people walk away sad but whole? that when it's time to let go they just......let go? the torment and resistance you are experiencing right is a direct result and indicator of just how Unhealthy and toxic this situation was.

give yourself time. stay away. heal and grow.

DreamsofSerenity

My exabf also left me suddenly and very coldly.. And I couldn't breathe either. I cried, groveled, begged, manipulated, and generally humiliated myself until I finally bottomed out.

These amazing people on SR told me he did me a favor, and it was for the best. At first I didn't believe them. I thought they didn't understand how much I loved him or how much pain I was in. But you know what? They were RIGHT. I went NC and I swear I never want to lay eyes on this man again. He tried to contact me a couple of weeks ago with some sappy declaration of his true love and I deleted the email without responding. I'm not trying to steal your thread, I just want you to know that many of us have been in the same place you are right now, and we got through it. You will too!

You can not have a real relationship with an active alcoholic. The reason you feel so horribly, and crazy yourself, is because of the extreme unhealthy nature of the relationship. Give yourself some time to go NC. Read on SR as much as you can, go to Al Anon, educate yourself. Day by day the pain will decrease, and you will rediscover the healthy you.

Big hugs to you. You are not alone.

lovesunandsnow

It will get better! I was where you are at last august 2012. My ex-abf and I have not spoken since and I thought I was going to die! I cried, manipulated, and humiliated myself over and over again and still I now know I'm better off without him. He is still drinking and back with his ex that drinks and pops pills.
It is going to be very very hard to see it right now but if you go back and forth it will only get worse before you get better. It's amazing how our minds play tricks on us but keeps posting here, asking for help and keep your family/friends close so they can help you through this. Tons of tears but just know it will get better. Hugs to you tonight.

Shadydeal

Glad you were strong and didn't throw that life line out there today! It's tough ...lord how we know!!! Throwing that line out there as many times as I did only patched it for a while so then you keep riding the roller coaster nightmare! same ending each time for me! Be strong and you did well today by no contact! We all feel for you! I hope you will hang in there. Big hug from Texas !

queensbean

Avalon i know exactly what you mean. i just ended it with my Abf of 7 yrs. He physically assaulted me and then i retaliated. and I KNOW he is telling everyone i started it. they are crazy makers. You are not crazy or sick to want him back. I had to fight that today myself. Even after the assault i wanted to fix it. you need time to heal. and yeah he did do you a big favour. Today you can't see but one day you will. HUGS to you and prayers.

CXR

Been there done that. When my gf broke up with me I was devastated, dysfunctional and wasn't sure I was going to make it. I went to 2 meetings a day for 90 days. I cried every single day and just didn't see how my life would be.

First, in order to save my life -- I needed certain things. I needed space. I needed distance. From the situation and the person. That's just me. I needed no communication. I couldn't go back and beg, try to fix it, explain, win her back, and so on. I had to realize I was co-dependent! I asked questions of people in the rooms -- how do I make it stop, how do I get my mind to stop racing, thinking about her, us, etc. All of it.

I needed alone time to really look at "what" was going on in the relationship. All the "what's" I didn't see when I was in it. Then I looked at the "why" -- why was I that way, why was I people pleasing, etc. I was not a victim...I was a volunteer!!! I had to realize there were parts of the relationship that were just not healthy -- for me or for her, and for us. There were parts which were toxic. I had to understand and look at why I was doing the things I was doing, and allowing other things to be done to me...these were my problems, not hers.

Hang in there. Go to meetings and talk to seasoned people, people who are healthy, trying to get healthy, etc. Go with the success stories and you too will be successful.

You will be fine...just do the work. All the best to you...and my thoughts are with you.

Avalon393

I moved all of my stuff out today, sent texts begging, called (with no answer) , said goodbye to my dog for the last time. Keep having fantasys about him coming over to my mothers and just hugging me. I have never been more depressed or sickley feeling. I keep telling myself people have been through such worse loss and no one has passed away, but it doesn't help. I don't want to be on antidepressants but I honestly cant even imagine how this work week will go. I feel abandoned. and like I will never feel the way I do about him with anyone else. I have lost 5 pounds already. I am going crazy.

Greenwitchwest

When I read your last post I thought I wrote it. I also recently moved out of my exabf's house and said goodby to our dog. I agree with all of the other posters that advised against contact. My ex broke up with me and took me back twice before finally breaking up with me the third time. My begging, texts, calls and letters succeeded in winning him back just to loose him again and all the while he lashed out at me when I simply didn't want the person I loved to die from a terrible progressive disease. Please don't continue to let him hurt you. The pain will subside! I described everything to my doctor as a war in my mind between the rational part of myself that knows there will never be a future like the one I believed in and the emotional part that not only deeply loved, but also desperately wanted to help my ex. With time, my rational mind is getting stronger. That is, I believe, the part that in both our cases threatened to leave first. I have found strength within myself in the last few months that I didn't believe I had. With your energy left available for yourself now I believe you will too. I didn't understand how much stress there was in my life until it was gone. I feel years younger! SR is amazing and I am here for you too! Please feel free to PM me if you want. I check this frequently and love and compassionate understanding from California!

Greenwitchwest

Ahh and while I was trying to highlight the future positive and that you are NOT ALONE I didn't highlight enough how much therapy can help. I was going a bit crazy- feeling physically ill, loosing weight very quickly, bad dreams so sh*t sleep and racing conflicted thoughts. You have a lot to process and needing, not only the help of similar compassionate individuals, but that of a pro is understandable! I took melatonin for sleep and forced down protein shakes to avoid the intense meds, but definitely needed and have used the pro advice.