We are watching my niece spiral out of control
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 2
We are watching my niece spiral out of control
My family is suffering so much because of my niece's choices with drinking, lying and stealing. She moved in with my parents who are in their 70's about 8months ago and we have watched my parents health drop so quickly due to her actions.
We have tried so many times and ways to help her but she is 23 years, no insurance, and works around alcohol. She is gorgeous and looks like a model--so it is very easy for her to get person to buy her drinks when she doesn't have any money. Her so call friends love to party, her boyfriend has admitted to having problems with alcohol in his pass and thinks he can handle her with her problem. Their last fight involving drinking--she grabbed the steering wheel of his car and almost made them crash.
Her parents are divorce but both have washed their hands off her after she got a DWI. We love her so much but are at a lose. HELP! Anyone!
We have tried so many times and ways to help her but she is 23 years, no insurance, and works around alcohol. She is gorgeous and looks like a model--so it is very easy for her to get person to buy her drinks when she doesn't have any money. Her so call friends love to party, her boyfriend has admitted to having problems with alcohol in his pass and thinks he can handle her with her problem. Their last fight involving drinking--she grabbed the steering wheel of his car and almost made them crash.
Her parents are divorce but both have washed their hands off her after she got a DWI. We love her so much but are at a lose. HELP! Anyone!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
You have found a wonderful resource of support and information. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We understand. We are here to help.
Some of our stories are posted at the top of this main page. There are 15 threads marked with a little padlock in the left column. Those are referred to as Sticky Posts. The stickies are a terrific source of inspiration.
Here is link to one of my favorite sticky posts. The steps in this link helped me when I was living with active alcoholism in my home:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
You have found a wonderful resource of support and information. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We understand. We are here to help.
Some of our stories are posted at the top of this main page. There are 15 threads marked with a little padlock in the left column. Those are referred to as Sticky Posts. The stickies are a terrific source of inspiration.
Here is link to one of my favorite sticky posts. The steps in this link helped me when I was living with active alcoholism in my home:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Worry,
Welcome and I am sorry you are at a lose – I was too when I first got involved here (thus my name).
It’s so hard to watch those we love, doing nothing feels so un-loving but the reality is we can’t do anything except be there for them in healthy ways when they are ready to help themselves.
She is 23 and very resilient, she’s learned how to get her way and how to manipulate people so she gets her way. Maybe her parents didn’t wash their hands of her but have set boundaries they are sticking to which healthy.
At this point in time my concern would be more with your aging parents and their health. No doubt they love their grandchild and took her in out of that love. You and them would benefit greatly from trying al-anon and learning how to deal with her so it’s healthy for all of you.
Keep reading here and learning as much as you can about what you CAN’T do for her even when all of your being is telling you to do this or that. It’s a helpless disease for the loved ones until we learn how to set healthy boundaries and stick to them.
Welcome and I am sorry you are at a lose – I was too when I first got involved here (thus my name).
It’s so hard to watch those we love, doing nothing feels so un-loving but the reality is we can’t do anything except be there for them in healthy ways when they are ready to help themselves.
She is 23 and very resilient, she’s learned how to get her way and how to manipulate people so she gets her way. Maybe her parents didn’t wash their hands of her but have set boundaries they are sticking to which healthy.
At this point in time my concern would be more with your aging parents and their health. No doubt they love their grandchild and took her in out of that love. You and them would benefit greatly from trying al-anon and learning how to deal with her so it’s healthy for all of you.
Keep reading here and learning as much as you can about what you CAN’T do for her even when all of your being is telling you to do this or that. It’s a helpless disease for the loved ones until we learn how to set healthy boundaries and stick to them.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 2
Thank you. It has been a very hard 5 years of watching her self destruct. As her aunt who has been a major part of her life (she has stay here, travel with us, etc.) it is heartbreaking to see what she has become. My mother is at her wits end, my dad mental health has drop to an all time low.
Pre her and her dad--my niece's mother has a drinking problem. Her dad has a mental illness of bi-polar, its a prefect storm for disaster.
It is so draining.
Pre her and her dad--my niece's mother has a drinking problem. Her dad has a mental illness of bi-polar, its a prefect storm for disaster.
It is so draining.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Tucson
Posts: 86
I am so sorry you are going through this. I can relate b/c I am here at this point with my daughter.
I would suggest that you and your parents (and probably her parents) find an Al-Anon meeting. They really help with taking care of you. I can certainly understand why her parents have washed their hands, they likely have been through and seen a lot more than anyone else has and feel that they cant help her.
If she continues to use and abuse your parents by abusing alcohol, and if they have set boundaries about her behavior and drinking and she over steps them, its probably time for her to move on, especially since its affecting their health.
I would suggest that you and your parents (and probably her parents) find an Al-Anon meeting. They really help with taking care of you. I can certainly understand why her parents have washed their hands, they likely have been through and seen a lot more than anyone else has and feel that they cant help her.
If she continues to use and abuse your parents by abusing alcohol, and if they have set boundaries about her behavior and drinking and she over steps them, its probably time for her to move on, especially since its affecting their health.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
O believe me I understand how draining it is. I also have a close relationship with my niece, had her ever summer her whole life then she was pretty much dropped on my doorstep when her mother couldn’t deal with her any longer.
She didn’t have a drinking or drug problem but so many other problems. Her father (my brother- alcoholic) had custody of her, then when he got remarried and his new wife (alcoholic) didn’t want her around anymore they shipped her off to her forever 18 year old mother.
When she couldn’t deal anymore she got shipped to me. It also took its toll on my aging parents but for a while my niece was getting help (counselor) and doing well in school with the help of some very caring teachers.
But that all fell apart one summer when she went to her 45 year old mothers “Disney Princess” wedding and fell madly in love with some loser!! I guess her addiction would be called “seeking love in all the wrong places”.
She came back with the though in her head of moving back to that area to be with this loser. When her counselor and teachers all told her to finish out her senior year give herself time to see if this was what she truely wanted then go there after she graduates.
But no, as soon as she turned 18 in October she manipulated this loser and his family into buying her an airplane ticket. I drove her to the airport feeling like I was watching someone board the Titanic – knowing exactly what was going to happen to her life. Al-anon gave me the strength to detach and allow her to face her own choices.
5 months later she was pregnant and the guy wanted nothing to do with her and she wanted to come home and have her baby. Thankfully I had enough al-anon and understanding to stay detached and tell her that was not an option. No way could my parents deal with her and a baby.
She begged, she pleading she tried guilt and every other trick she knew. I stuck to my boundaries and with every bad decision she continued to make she'd call me to bail her out. She always wanted $ she needed to move constantly when she drained everyone around her who was trying to help her. I continued to stick to my word.
Today she is married and has another child and we have a good relationship from afar. She calls and we talk weekly. She knows I love her and she knows I mean what I say and she respects me for that.
All you can do is tell your niece how much you love her and that when if she decides to make better choices in her life you’ll be there to support those decisions.
She didn’t have a drinking or drug problem but so many other problems. Her father (my brother- alcoholic) had custody of her, then when he got remarried and his new wife (alcoholic) didn’t want her around anymore they shipped her off to her forever 18 year old mother.
When she couldn’t deal anymore she got shipped to me. It also took its toll on my aging parents but for a while my niece was getting help (counselor) and doing well in school with the help of some very caring teachers.
But that all fell apart one summer when she went to her 45 year old mothers “Disney Princess” wedding and fell madly in love with some loser!! I guess her addiction would be called “seeking love in all the wrong places”.
She came back with the though in her head of moving back to that area to be with this loser. When her counselor and teachers all told her to finish out her senior year give herself time to see if this was what she truely wanted then go there after she graduates.
But no, as soon as she turned 18 in October she manipulated this loser and his family into buying her an airplane ticket. I drove her to the airport feeling like I was watching someone board the Titanic – knowing exactly what was going to happen to her life. Al-anon gave me the strength to detach and allow her to face her own choices.
5 months later she was pregnant and the guy wanted nothing to do with her and she wanted to come home and have her baby. Thankfully I had enough al-anon and understanding to stay detached and tell her that was not an option. No way could my parents deal with her and a baby.
She begged, she pleading she tried guilt and every other trick she knew. I stuck to my boundaries and with every bad decision she continued to make she'd call me to bail her out. She always wanted $ she needed to move constantly when she drained everyone around her who was trying to help her. I continued to stick to my word.
Today she is married and has another child and we have a good relationship from afar. She calls and we talk weekly. She knows I love her and she knows I mean what I say and she respects me for that.
All you can do is tell your niece how much you love her and that when if she decides to make better choices in her life you’ll be there to support those decisions.
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